Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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SurroundSound Anti-Mugging Jacket

"Behind You ......
  [vote for,

Imagine the scene:

As you walk down an ill-lit city backstreet, you are suddenly confronted by a knife-wielding thug demanding your wallet.

What to do ?

Various options present themselves:

In an enlightened society, and being a trustworthy citizen of good character, one draws one's 12-gauge single shot hand cannon and blows the miscreant into the middle of next week with a HESH round.

In a less enlightened society, your yelp of surprise brings half a dozen burly constables to your immediate aid, their silver whistles shrilling, their size thirteen boots clattering on the cobbles, their trunchons flailing. As they set about re-educating the would-be mugger, one of them leads you to the nearby Police Station where, over a nice cup of tea and a biscuit, you sign a preprinted fill-in-name-here statement affirming that as you were walking donw the alley, you saw the unfortunate young man slip on a banana skin and fall over, accidentally causing himself multiple broken limbs and internal bleeding, after which you called for assistance and a nice policeman gently picked the poor boy up and helped him to the top of the nearest flight of steep steps, where he unfortunately (and quite unexpectedly) suffered a further severe fall.

But none of these options are available. The do-gooding wimpy wussy bleeding-heart liberals in the givernment hate the idea of private citizens with weapons, and have spent the entire national policing budget for the next thirty years on a stupid Dome thing, an Olympic Games, and sponsoring disadavanatged lesbian single parents to go in fact-finding trips to Tierra Del Fuego.

Your options maye be, therefore, somewhat limited - unless you have taken the wise precaution of investing in a BorgCo SurroundSound Anti-Mugging jacket.

As you smile and nod, you reach into your jacket pocket, and slowly pull out a wallet. But there's no money it it - it's a dummy, merely a mechanism to trigger the electronics concealed in the garment. As you slowly extend you hand, the powerful minaturised sound system activates - and, to is horror, your assailant hears - seemingly behind him - the unmistakeable Clickk - Kersnickk of a pump action shotgun being cocked.

A moment later, before he can turn, a quiet voice whispers in his ear: "Now don't move .... just keep still and you might not get hurt. "

This is the moment for you to grin widely, nod to your "bodyguard", and start to back rapidly away....

By the time chummy does turn round and realises he's been the victim of nothing more than sophisticated audio reproduction, you are long gone .....


International language packs can be downloaded, so that the system can be used in foreign countries.

Optionally, the sound of the shotgun can be replaced by the silken whisper of a Katana being usheathed, or the raucous buzz of a light sabre ....

For the suicidal, the system can reproduce the voice of Micheal Palin crying, "Come and see the violence inherent in the system ! Help, help, I'm being oppressed !"

8th of 7, Oct 08 2008

Realistic stereo surround sound. http://www.youtube....watch?v=wT1XuB95qMk
Best with headphones. [Amos Kito, Oct 15 2008]

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       //Olymopic Games//

I'm intrigued. Do please explain further.

What if your assailant is deaf and is merely seeking to supplement their income in order to buy batteries for their hearing aid because their grant funding has been ended due to a vicious, cost-cutting exercise by the military junta in charge of the local council?
DrBob, Oct 08 2008

       I want to give a croissant for the *slipping on a banana peel* comment. I have often wondered how many people have actually ever slipped on a banana peel?? They are bright yellow (until they turn brown) so not difficult to see, unless it was night or you were running looking up, or whatnot. They do not appear to be that slippery and if one was on the sidewalk, wouldn't the gritty cement stop one from slipping?   

       The idea seems a bit buried in story-telling, but it could work, so +
(need some attention to spelling)
xandram, Oct 08 2008

       Sp. fixed (mostly).   

       Banana peel is slippy ... if you peel a banana, the peel rapidly turns black; and since the peel has deliquescent properties, prety soon there's a dark, slippery puddle of goo. Yes, it is possible to slip on a banana peel. If you doubt this, enquire of any police officer .....
8th of 7, Oct 08 2008


       <Orwellian> What sp?
Jinbish, Oct 08 2008

       //half a dozen burly constables to your immediate aid, their silver whistles shrilling, their size thirteen boots clattering on the cobbles, their trunchons flailing.//   

       If only...
Jinbish, Oct 08 2008

       // If only... //   

       Well, precisely, hence the need for this system ...
8th of 7, Oct 08 2008

       // the police would remove the criminals from the street, before they've committed any crime //   


       // how much more obvious does crime prevention have to be spelled out? //   

       When dealing with politicians, in words of one syllable or less, acompanied by the encouragement of a Pointed Stick.   

       // place the processed former criminal back into society //   

       In a succession of small, sealed plastic bags, presumably ?   

       Rarther than "processing", should that not be "re-processing" ? The technoklogy for this is well Baked, whereby the material is dissolved in concentrated nitric acid, separated chemically into its components, the useful portions recycled, and the remainder buried under concrete for 50,000 of your Earth years ?
8th of 7, Oct 08 2008

       I T - //before they've committed any crime//   

       I can buy a hefty knife, and carry it about, and use it to cut up meat at the shop.   

       Now, if I bought it with the express intent of dismembering a fellow human, that would be illegal. The former instance is legal.   

       Before one has committed a crime, one is a law-abiding citizen. However, 8th's interpretation does have a certain appeal - the police cruize around, and once they find a person who is going to commit a crime, they remove the possibility and "re-process" the would be criminal into something useful to society. Or a garden.
neelandan, Oct 08 2008

       Ah, [neelandan], the old "capability does not imply intent" justification .....   

       We just KNEW you were going to say that .....
8th of 7, Oct 08 2008

       Sp fixed? I knew givernment wasn't a typo.
zeno, Oct 08 2008

       //Ah, [neelandan], the old "capability does not imply intent" justification .....   

       We just KNEW you were going to say that .....//   

       and if he hadn't I would have been more than glad to say it myself for him. It just so happens I've had a knife in my pocket for nearly 12 years now. I've used it to open countless letters, clean my nails several times, slice dozens of apples, and upon one occasion, I even used it to scare away a would-be mugger. But never have I had occasion or desire to dismember anyone. Plus it only cost nine dollars, and I reckon this complicated coat (not suitable for use in warmer climes) would cost a bit more, and not be very useful for other situations.
ye_river_xiv, Oct 12 2008

       Is there an automotive variation, perhaps in the form of an auto bra, to deal with the road ragers? (had my first seriously scary encounter with somebody having a bad day recently)
normzone, Oct 12 2008

       //Why do you need a knife to scare people away?//
He doesn't, he needs it to open letters, clean nails, slice apples, etc., the "scaring people" is just a bonus.
FlyingToaster, Oct 12 2008

       My Leatherman isn't going to scare anybody, but every time I walk into a federal building they all act like I'm going to hold a few dozen people hostage with it.
FlyingToaster, Oct 13 2008

       //International language packs can be downloaded, so that the system can be used in foreign countries.//   

       However the sound of a cocking shotgun is translingual. Here's the English version of the translation but the meaning is the same in all languages:   

       "Cha-chink": (As emitted from a shotgun's cocking mechanism) Universal exclamatory imperative   

       "The bearer of this weapon is not to be attacked, molested, violated or assaulted. Do not proceed with any activity or course of action without the expressed verbal consent of the person cocking this shotgun and most especially, immediately cease any aggressive or violent behavior. Refrain from making any sudden moves that may be construed as hostile. The bearer of this shotgun has opted not kill you at this time, however, this courtesy may be rescinded without notice and at the sole discretion of bearer.   

       Thank you for your cooperation."
doctorremulac3, Oct 15 2008

       "Throw down your weapons. You have 20 seconds to comply."
theleopard, Oct 15 2008

       Muggers generally place the ill-gotten gains (wallet) on their person. Thermite be a better deterent opportunity here.
4whom, Oct 15 2008

       Oooh Oooh that's a good one. How about a flesh-eating virus coated fake wallet?
Custardguts, Oct 24 2008


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