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Teenage Surgical Training

Because what could be more comforting than a knife-wielding, moody, walking skin problem looming over your prostrate body?
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Surgery is the solving of health problems by physically removing, repositioning or adding to the body. Often, such procedures solve the issue and occasionally do it without creating a raft of newer, more interesting problems. Surgical training varies internationally, but typically starts with a solid academic base. At the end of mandatory education, candidates need to be in the top couple of percent, before heading to a top flight university.

In the UK you can begin a medical degree directly, whereas the US prefers a pre-medical degree to weed out the poor. This education typically includes a foundation in biochemistry, physiology, pharmacology, anatomy, pathology, a little applied chemistry and physics before students are introduced to the coal face of medicine. Here, students follow senior doctors on rounds, observing the varied medical disciplines, they shadow junior doctors in the examination and treatment of patients while receiving formal instruction and assessment of their practical and interpersonal skills. Eventually, the successful student will possess a range of knowledge and experience enabling them to monitor patient treatment, make recommendations and know when to pass along problems.

To become a surgeon, specialization is required. Early in their career, a candidate will favor surgical rotations while maintaining a consistent 100 hr work week and frequent squash/golf games to ensure maximum visibility in a competitive field. The candidate spends increasing time in the operating theater, taking part in progressively complex and extensive surgical techniques under the supervision of a senior surgeons. The doctor begins the transformation to surgeon, performing a restricted set of operations. Such people waste no time at all before telling you about the delicacy* intricacy** and artistry required, and how this is balanced with supreme mental and physical endurance, all under the greatest of pressure.

Unfortunately, this is a terrible way of making a capable surgeon. Medical training is an exercise in using the first 30 years selecting for skills and knowledge almost completely unrelated to the task of surgery. Then, you ask someone in their 30s to develop a whole battery of new fine motor skills. In my life I’ve attempted to teach 2-3 people in the late 20s/early 30s how to play the guitar. This goes badly. While not impossible, direct comparison of progress with a 13yo proves humiliating. Life is full of examples: racing drivers, tennis players, footballers, pianists, gymnasts and competitive gamers might all maintain elite status well into middle age, but all require that the activity is essentially mastered by the mid to late teens. Conversely, people who pick up similar activities at 30+yo are dreadful at them. Consider that roughly 39.15% of the world’s golfers are surgeons. That’s a huge enrichment, yet a 19yo Tiger Woods would easily beat the most dedicated surgeon golfer***.

So what’s the solution? Simple: train teenagers to be surgeons. All the golfing, sitting in a fancy office, BMW driving, arrogance, palpating of lumps, pointing at diagrams and X-ray staring can be done by a doctor. Once the type of operation needed is decided upon, the patient is placed under the care of a dedicated and responsible anesthesiologist. Then, someone shouts for one of the teenagers who sullenly unfolds themselves from their phone-gazing and is carefully prepared by someone who understands hygiene. Teenager then performs the quad coronary bypass in 45mins while having a sulk about which parties they didn’t get invited to. Teenager then shambles off to collect the payment of a really cool pair of jeans, some skateboard bearings or a Beanie Baby. Some might argue that teenagers may not want to learn surgery, but my friend Jessica didn’t want to learn the violin but parental pressure ensured that she is involuntarily excellent at the violin.

*orthopedic surgeons have 4lb lump hammers for the finer work

**orthopedic surgeons have some small bits for their power drills

***unless that surgeon possessed the new bs0-co “Power- Shot Pro” line of drivers and irons. Extensive research into the minds of the world’s most affluent golfers has driven the development of the Power-Shot Pro. With distinctive styling and reinforcing copper (Cu) nanotubes (NT), rivals will take one look at your golf bag and think “CuNT”. $11,952: per driver, Irons 1-8: $10,043, Irons 10- 54: $9,871. Power Shot research has proven the 9 iron to be a money-grabbing conspiracy by unscrupulous manufacturers. Don’t fall victim to this scam.

bs0u0155, Jan 18 2017

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       That'd be an interesting new direction for the robot displacement arguments / headlines / articles: "Robots will replace teenagers".
Ian Tindale, Jan 18 2017
  

       // teenagers who ... is carefully prepared by someone who understands hygiene. //   

       That's going to be a specialization all of its own.   

       As to the idea, [+] - brilliant and inspired. Besides, the majority of junior doctors appear to be about 12 ... where do all the doctors go for that mysterious forty year gap ? Do they pupate age 15 as juniors, and then emerge age fifty-five complete with Mercedes, golf clubs, and tweed jacket ?
8th of 7, Jan 18 2017
  
      
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