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The Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program

Keep away unwanted Evangelists
(+2, -2)
  [vote for,

Do you so NOT care about your eternal salvation?

When I was a kid my mom had a tradition where whenever there was the slightest inkling that the Jehovah's Witnesses were on the prowl in our neighborhood she would shut the blinds lock the doors and tell me to be quiet in the hopes that they would go away without noticing us.

My hope would be to use current pattern recognition technology to detect these unwanted visitors and somehow discourage them from shoving their religion down the throats of the uninterested. The recognition system would be fairly easy. Three cameras arraigned around the door wound scan, on detection of movement, for visible copies of AWAKE! Or The Watchtower. If the PR software detects the suggested parameters then the deterrent system would be activated. I tend to lean twards the stereotypical evil villain sort of things, trap doors, stairs to slide, ambient pepper spray, and the like, but the possibilities for deterrents are endless, as are the applications. I used the Witnesses as an example but you can set the parameters for white shirts and bicycles for the Mormons or some Pattern Recognition software is advanced enough that you could even target specific unwanted relatives.

Goceph, Mar 02 2004

A wee tad baked http://www.halfbake...ea/Doorbell_20email
[k_sra, Oct 04 2004]

(?) Baked Elsewhere http://www.crapco.c...ds/ads/witness.html
[Anarch, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal #1783 http://www.smbc-com...omics&id=1783#comic
[jutta, Apr 22 2010]


       I have been told that the best way to make sure you are never again bothered by JWs is to tell them "I'm a Catholic."
calum, Mar 03 2004

       // Patten Recognition software //   

       To detect people wearing clogs and overshoes?   

       Or do you mean Patton Recognition, to prevent visits from the draft board?
kropotkin, Mar 03 2004

       If Jehovah was guiding the JW's to your door, then god would totally send Jesus back to Earth to kick their ass, and Jesus is one tough mo-fo !!!   

       This idea is little more than a stupid pun, take it easy.
SystemAdmin, Mar 03 2004

       /trap doors, stairs to slide, ambient pepper spray, and the like, but the possibilities for deterrents are endless, as are the applications. /   

       Don't you hate it when people use aggressive means to put across their point of view?
egbert, Mar 03 2004

       [Goceph].Totally agree.Finally someone with a solution to a problem that has plauged many parts of Canada.( I assume you are witihin striking distance of Georgetown, Ontario?).
python, Mar 03 2004

       Why not just worship the Jahovas whitness as your gods? Make anmal (possibly human) sacrafices to them. Start a death metal band in their honor.   

       Or just spray them with the hose.
andrew1, Sep 27 2005

       (The Jehovah’s) (Witness Protection Program), or
(The Jehovah’s Witness) (Protection Program), or
(The Jehovah’s Witness Protection) (Program)?

       I guess you mean the second version.
Ling, Sep 27 2005

       I used to welcome JWs to my house and argue endlessly with them. I even told them when and where i was moving so we could carry on arguing. It was actually quite enjoyable, and provided me with a number of customers to my business, so no, i don't like this idea. Surely a lot of us are here because we enjoy arguing - why not do it with JWs?
nineteenthly, Sep 27 2005

       //why not do it with JWs?//   

Isnt that a sin before marrige?
andrew1, Sep 27 2005

       I remember once my Mom INVITED some JWs in. My folks are Mormons. Ever seen JWs get nervous, stammer, and make excuses to leave? :) Quite funny!
rallen71366, Dec 18 2005

       Its a simple solution- Give them a fruitcake. Make them eat the whole thing at your table before agreeing to discuss ANYTHING with them (even the Watchtower). If they eat the whole thing, I guarantee you that they will not want to stay long. If they decide not to finish it, just tell them that it will be here when they get back.
Jscotty, Dec 18 2005

       Bun for intolerance.
MikeOxbig, Dec 18 2005

       [SysAdmin] No, it's a silly pun. [Ling] Any of the three were options. It was either protection by, for or from JW's. Protection from JW's seemed the easiest to write.
Goceph, Apr 20 2006

       Why not just set your sprinklers to "stun," that should at least ruin their magazines, and unless they can give you junk they won't come, right?   

       You could also start a library with all sorts of "banned" books, like the necronomicron, the malleus maleficarum, the stanzas of dyzan, the Kama Sutra... and put it in a prominent place by your doorway. Could lead to uncomfortable moments if you invite anyone over...
ye_river_xiv, Dec 24 2006

       <Ding-dong>"Hi, have you considered the destiny of your eternal..."   

       "Calum's a Catholic."   

       Hmmm... it didn't work.
RayfordSteele, Apr 22 2010


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