Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Tonicstring© Bodyfloss

Thread yourself by passing a 30ft Tonicstring© through your digestive tract
  (+2, -7)(+2, -7)
(+2, -7)
  [vote for,

The human is nothing but an irregular torus. Let us treat her as we would treat ourselves.

We can swallow a pill tied to the negative (-) "lead" of the Tonicstring© and let her pull the tonic laden nonbacterial acidproof lightweight and almost fishingline-like string downward into our tracts. Down it will go as the brave pills noses onward with her lifeline of tonic. If there is any snag we will gently feed her more line. We will keep the line free of obstructions in a loose orderly "farmrow" arrangement on the table in front of us. We will keep our mouths open and "facing the farm". Those of us who choose to meditate will find this an excellent posture that may produce a special feeling of our place in the universe as we watch the Tonicstring© being slowly, almost but not quite imperceptibly, pulled toward us and down into us by our leaden leaderess.

When she reaches the end of her journey, you will know soon after the completion of your business. When sufficient length is at hand (12"-18" for beginners) wash the Tonicstring© and tie this negative (-) end to the positive (+) other end of the Tonicstring© thus completing the Tonicstring© Circuit. The benefits are received immediately upon completing the circuit, which is when the Tonicstring© tonic can go to work releasing it's tonic into your body in equatorial doses similar in chi-shape to the magnetosphere.

It is not important to reach the knot or not reach the knot. The knot is there. Don't think about the knot. Think about the tonic.

Spend a couple days moving yourself around the Tonicstring© Circuit. As the Tonicstring© crawls toward you (and you toward the tonic) you can almost feel the positive (+) tonic entering you while the Tonicstring© is doing it's job. Depending of the length of your Tonicstring© you may or may not reach the knot during a two-day flossing. If you do, remember to wash the the rest of the negative (-) off the incoming pre-positive Tonicstring© with the Tonicstring© Combination Soap and Concentrated Tonic Solution (sold separately, but call now and we'll throw in two 12oz. containers!). Thoroughly.

After two days (or your chosen flossing period) cut the Tonicstring© first at the toothline (+) and then at the posterior (-). Do not attempt to pull the Tonicstring© out from the mouth. Do not reverse the flow of the tonic from negative to positive. Likewise do not attempt to accelerate the tonic absorbance your body can safely handle by pulling the Tonicstring© outward from the negative. Let the Tonicstring© pass naturally like all things.

Repeat as necessary.
Keep out of reach of children.

Mind you:
I do not know if 30ft is enough. I think that it is. I don't know what the pill is made of. I think plastic would work. Although half-baked, Tonicstring© Bodyfloss is tré Tipuét! as such i will not quibble about such things. The proper measurements can be measured, materials found, techniques learnt. We should go onward from negative to positive, allowing topology to unite us in the brotherhood of all torai that we each are daily reminded of belonging to.

gnormal, Feb 07 2001

Dhauti http://www.healthan.../clean/abdomen.html
Here's a "cleansing" yoga exercise that will get you part of the way there. Even though there's a picture of a woman merrily choking down metres of cloth, most sites try to discourage people from trying it, and I'd guess that they know best. [Monkfish, Feb 07 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Straight Dope column http://www.straight...lassics/a1_050.html
A bit of talk about whether or not body-flossing is possible. [Monkfish, Feb 07 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Discussion of drinking lots and lots of water. http://www.quicktop...t2SjQh7dH9eqhY89WSf
please join in. [gnormal, Feb 07 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

See bodyflossing done on SONY Pictures "Crumb" http://www.sonyclas...om/crumb/crumb.html
Documentary on Artist Robert Crumb is a marvelous portrait of a mentally borderline artist. His brothers are truly psychotic, and part of the movie interviews his brother Max while he is performing this Bodyflossing. Must see for anyone even slightly interested in artistic personalities and/ or mental illness. [Bonarein, Feb 07 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]


       I don't think 30 feet would be enough, gnormal, partly because of the length of the intestine, but also because the string will bunch together while the body attempts to digest her.   

       I worry also, that she may cause retching by her continual stimulation of the oesophagus.   

       Other than that (and possibly one or two other trifles) she's a great idea, and I look forward to seeing her in my local chemist shortly.
Lemon, Feb 07 2001

       wow! according to uncle cecil i was almost right about the 30 ft. but we'd better up it to 60. better too much than too little.   

       it sounds like the only major obstacle is the bunching-up problem. but that's what the sinker is for. the plastic torpedo. her. the intestinal walls should push her along without noticing her nearly invisible lifeline. the tonicstring should be a little bit stiff to prevent bunching. i still think it's possible. i heard there was a guy on letterman who could tell you what music was on a vinyl LP by looking at the grooves. so a fully threaded human sounds comparatively easy.   

       on the nirvana by water note- one st parick's day i had a water drinking contest with a friend. pint after pint we paced each other. i think i won with something like 25 pints. but anyway, after about 5 we both became giddy! we could only guess that it was due to our physiology telling out brain that we were drunk since all other times we felt so full of cold liquid was when drinking lots of beer. after a few more we got cold and shivered. we were flushing out our thermacity. that was a fun day.
gnormal, Feb 08 2001

       note: water drinking contest (sorry to get off topic). An overdose of water diludes your bloodstream thereby redusing the amount of oxygen to your brain; this causes the euphoric effect. P.S. tonicstring bodyfloss sounds disgusting.
LittleBitONothing, Feb 08 2001

       getting off topic is perfectly ok. just use this QuickTopic.com - one of the coolest lil things ive ever seen. (the QT guy referred me to halfbakery.) See the link in the link section.
gnormal, Feb 08 2001

Galileo, Sep 01 2001

       How many of you are over fifty, be honest.
demtangs, Jun 20 2003

       From the title I thought this would be a "weight-loss" idea. Anyway, good one.
thecat, Jun 20 2003


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