Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Traditional Christmas dinner service

The full benefit
  [vote for,

The traditions of Christmas dinner are well-known; indifferently-cooked food, served at an inconvenient time, fractious and impatient children, low-level grumbling about unsuitable or inoperable gifts, and a "difficult" elderly relative with "problems" which demand excessive resources to manage, all followed by a massive row.

But what if you have a two-person household, and are calm, prepared, and organized ? Don't you feel you're somehow missing out ?

No problem ! BorgCo can help. Before the deadline (book early, quantities are limited), fill in the online form on our website and pay (non-refundable) with your credit or charge card.

In the early hours of Christmas morning, BorgCo ninjas will surreptitiously enter your dwelling and set you up for a "real" Christmas.

Two hyperactive small children, one sullen teenager, and an elderly person will be delivered; the vicinty of the elderly person will be saturated with a specially formulated air "unfresehener", allowing a faint odour of stale urine and drty socks to permeate the whole area. Your cooking appliances will be subtly adjusted so that food is guaranteed to be either overcooked, or nearly raw. Vital culinary ingredients will be hidden, as will all the batteries from remote controls, toys, and other devices, along with associated chargers and wall-warts; the stock of spare batteries will also mysteriously vanish. Trained experts will unwrap and subsequently re-wrap presents, in the process modifying software, removing the manual or install CD and replacing it with the wrong version, and introducing an essential cable that superficially looks OK but has a subtle intermittent fault. Garments will be substituted for ones of the wrong size, or an unfavored colour or pattern. Nothing will be spared. While all this is happening, BorgCo engineers at our central command facility will be introducing faults into your broadband, wifi, fixed line and cellular services, so you can't use that new computer, or even call technical support. If you do get through after hours of queueing, our monitors will ensure that your call is dropped just at the critical moment; when you get through again after more hours of queueing, we'll intercept the call and give you wrong advice that makes the problem worse.

Starting at 0533, the small children will rouse the household (by means of a drum kit and a tin trumpet, which make loud irritating noises without requiring any power source) and the day will pass in a miserable, exhausting procession of frustration, time pressure, tears and tantrums (sometimes from the children, too), frantic searching and bad temper - culminating, as promised, by a massive row.

Overnight the ninjas sneak back and return everything to their proper places, removing the kids and the old person.

You awake on Boxing day wondering why anyone ever bothers with Christmas.

8th of 7, Dec 14 2018

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       Would it not be simpler just to invite me round to your place?
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 14 2018

       Because the idea is for "Why bother with Christmas ?" rather than "Why bother with even being alive ?"
8th of 7, Dec 14 2018

       Is there a "gift" option for sending this service to your loved ones?
pocmloc, Dec 14 2018

       Yes. Is there really anyone you hate THAT much ?
8th of 7, Dec 14 2018

       Hmmm, let me think. Its coming... yes...   

       no wait
pocmloc, Dec 14 2018

       You'd better be sure before you order.   

       <points out "non-refundable" clause/>
8th of 7, Dec 14 2018


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