Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Somebody Bottle Me!

Same deal as "Calgon take me away" but with more violence
  (+1, -3)
(+1, -3)
  [vote for,

How many situations have you been in that you have desperately wished to not be a part of? Probably quite a few. Something simple like being stuck in traffic or something more complex like getting caught by PETA in a local church basement sodomizing a donkey in front of young children. With one call to this service, a contract thug (much like a AAA tow service) will rush to your aid and smash a glass bottle over your head immediately taking you out of the situation. Of course you would eventually have to deal with reality again when you wake up but the worst will already be over!
darth_smoothies, Feb 05 2001

If I had a nickel for every time I was caught, simply. [reensure, Feb 05 2001]


       Maybe you could offer a premium service: The goons take you down discreetly with a tranquilizer dart and use a breakaway bottle to achieve the same effect for the onlookers.   

       Really big spenders could arrange to have everyone else participating in the situation hit with bottles instead.   

       I expect the goons would want to carry one of those roll-out toolkits with a wide selection of bottles: Brittle glassware for delicate-pated children, thick pop bottles for the concussion-hardened crania of close family members, champagne for donkeys, and so on.
Monkfish, Feb 05 2001

       This all sounds to me remarkably like the USA's foreign policy. Just substitute a third world country of your choice in place of the donkey.
DrBob, Feb 06 2001

       no, no, no. youve got it all wrong. No tranquilizer darts, no break-away bottles (although having ALL participants hit with bottles sounds good so take away one of the "no"s). This service is intended to give you what you deserve for getting into that situation in the first place. Its not a "get out of jail free" card, its a "how bad do you want it?" card. If you get caught by PETA w/donkey, you deserve at least a bottle upside the head to get away from that situation. Kind of like a cyanide pill but you dont die, you just have a headache. you may wake up in a jail cell but this service is not about getting you out of the consequences of your situation. Thats what lawyers are for.   

       Send lawyers, bottles, and donkeys...
darth_smoothies, Feb 06 2001

       Sorry, I forgot the Violence.
Monkfish, Feb 06 2001

       The donkey, sadly. I might add that this could probably apply to all the 'western' nations. Not just the USA.
Incidentally, what's PETA? A protection agency of some sort I guess. But what does it protect? Young children, donkeys or church premises?
DrBob, Feb 11 2001

       Have you all noticed that it is the most inane ideas that get the best and most comments in halfbakery? Not that i'm complaining...I'm too busy wiping tears of laughter from my eyes to complain. But at this rate we'll never save the world with our combined genius!
RobGraham, Feb 11 2001

       Um... Calgon... isn't that the stuff for removing limescale from dishwashers?
Loris, Jul 22 2004

       // rush to your aid and smash a glass bottle over your head immediately taking you out of the situation//[+]

//this service is not about getting you out of the consequences of your situation//[-]
Voice, Mar 12 2023


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