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Translate the Bible for Laughs

No more po-faced versions!
  [vote for,

I think there are jokes in the Bible which are often missed because the translators had no sense of humour. For instance, the entire book of Jonah is basically a funny story, Jesus is a stand-up comedian and you can't take Leviticus seriously. Also, look at Jewish humour. Are you seriously suggesting there is none of that in their most important work of literature?

My suggestion is therefore to translate the entire Bible in such a way as to bring out the perhaps gallows humour in every page. Clearly someone was having a laugh at our expense and we've missed it, so let's put it back in.

nineteenthly, Jan 23 2017

The Amusing Bible http://www.worldcat...thers/oclc/81299671
[theircompetitor, Jan 23 2017]

Missing page from the Bible https://www.youtube...watch?v=LmHSPI7ZkRk
Not the original [nineteenthly, Jan 24 2017]


       So three guys walk into a barn...
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 23 2017

       //I knew [MB]'s true calling was a stand-up comedian// Funny you should mention that. The assessors at my last (literally) quinquennial assessment held much the same opinion. My fault - "review" and "revue" are so easy to confuse.   

       //How do you tell most of the world's population that religion is a bit of a joke ?// You just have to say it using short, simple words.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 23 2017

       I would say it's already done: the bible has been translated, re-translated and mis-translated many times already; and it's certainly laughable.

//So three guys walk into a barn...//
neutrinos_shadow, Jan 23 2017

       ...and get a woman pregnant with one of them by means of the second, but the third one will be called the father, for some reason or other...
RayfordSteele, Jan 23 2017

       //So three guys walk into a barn...//
calum, Jan 23 2017

       "So 70 translators walk into a barn, each translates the bible, and they all agree on the exact same translation."   

popbottle, Jan 23 2017

       Nobody's spotted the in-joke in the summary :-( .
nineteenthly, Jan 24 2017

       A lot of this can be brought out in the way you read it - you don't need to change the words.
pertinax, Jan 24 2017

       That bit where God commands Abraham to sacrifice his first born son, Isaac, and then says at the last minute "No don't do it!" - it's pretty obvious God was joking all along and Abe didn't get it.
hippo, Jan 24 2017

       Just a bit of fun
calum, Jan 24 2017

       "Hey Abe! Bants!!"
hippo, Jan 24 2017

       "... and furthermore, it shall come to pass that .... Moses ? Moses ! MOSES !! Put that toasting fork down and pay attention ! No ! Listen to me ! I am the LORD thy God .... Yes, I know you missed lunch, I didn't set this bush on fire just so you could cook your tea ... Now, about the milk and honey ... no ! There's no honey for your toast ! This is future honey. No honey now. And it shall come to pass that WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE MARSHMALLOWS ?"
8th of 7, Jan 24 2017

       Matthew 7:7   

       Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, knock, and the door shall be opened to you
Ling, Jan 24 2017

       "so anyway, it turns out that Pontius actually said 'pacify the little bugger' "
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 24 2017

       MB, you are a piece of work. I laughed. Good un. And Nineteently, I immediately saw the [po] reference.
blissmiss, Jan 24 2017

       For [hippo] :   

       Oh, God said to Abraham, "Kill me a son"
Abe said, "Man, you must be puttin' me on"
God said, "No" Abe say, "What?"
God say, "You can do what you want, Abe, but
The next time you see me comin', you better run"
Well, Abe said, "Where d'you want this killin' done?"
God said, "Out on Highway 61"
normzone, Jan 24 2017

       Cain: eh jokes bruv
Abel: ...
calum, Jan 24 2017

       Ah... gold, frankincense, and mirth.
It makes so much more sense now.

       " ... a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. "   

       Beast: <HONK, HONK> (grins inanely)   

       St. Groucho : " Enough with the honking already, and stop treading sand everywhere ! "   

       St Chico "Hey-a, is dem real crowns yous got dere ? You want I should go down Fat Louie's with one, get-a it valued ?"   

       St Groucho: "Yes, you got those insured ?   

       Beast: <Honk>   

       St Groucho : "Listen, I got the very policy for you here, from Firefly Insurance Corp, look, over a hundred clauses ...."   

       St Chico: "Hey-a, it got-a one of dose Sanity Clauses ... ?"
8th of 7, Jan 24 2017

       Ah, but blissy, do you realise why it's there?
nineteenthly, Jan 25 2017

       "And in foreign news, Jerusalem is tonight celebrating what is believed to be the world's first parthenogenic human birth. Mother and child are in a stable condition."
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 25 2017

       Sacrilege! You're all going to Hell.   

       And when you get there, the first round is on me.   

whatrock, Jan 25 2017

       You know, it's strange. Of all godly acts, smiting and plaguing are surely the most instantly recognisable as divine. I mean, a remission from disease, or the end of a famine, can be put down to good fortune; but a good smiting, or a decent rain of frogs, is pretty incontrovertible evidence of something deific.   

       So, you would think that the major religions of the world would make a bit of an effort to provoke an obvious divine retribution, thereby confirming the whole gods business.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 26 2017

       No, no, that would be like a magician revealing his tricks. The aim is to keep the suckers guessing; "it MIGHT be true, you'll just have to have faith...".
neutrinos_shadow, Jan 26 2017

       Just like homeopathy, then.
8th of 7, Jan 26 2017

       Samson's worst hair day, ever.   

       //rain of frogs// these can have natural causes.
pocmloc, Jan 27 2017

       I had already thought the bible was funny...(but I bunned this earlier) I guess the word is Samson was the funniest because he brought the house down. (read it on the internet)
xandram, Jan 27 2017

       <Deep Aussie accent> Nah, that's not a slingshot; _this_ is a slingshot. <\DAa>
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2017

       Are other "holy" books under consideration? (you know the one I mean in particular, where no one laughs too much, out of total fear)
xenzag, Jan 27 2017

       Prophet Cheech and Priest Chong, Up In Incense:   

       The protagonists get high on incense in the Holy of Holies and describe their heavenly visions...
RayfordSteele, Jan 27 2017

       //the one I mean in particular, where no one laughs too much, out of total fear//   

       You mean the Inland Revenue Guide to Income Tax, Allowable Deductions and Reliefs?
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 27 2017


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