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Barbarians rarely use cellphones. The reason for this is obvious - chatting away with a cellphone in his hand, the barbarian would be vulnerable to a surprise attack, since he would have to drop his phone before drawing his sword, slowing his reaction time.
Even if he wins the fight, his cellphone
may be damaged from the fall. This would make the barbarian angry, but with his foe already dead, he would have no-one to vent his rage upon.
For these reasons (and a few other minor ones involving the state of barbarian-era technology, the impossibility of time travel, and suchlike), the barbarian market has remained untapped by the cellphone industry.
The Xiphoid Cellphone is a sword which has a cellphone built into the guard. One half of the guard contains the keys, the other half the speaker, with the mouthpiece in the centre. The antenna running through the blade ensures crystal-clear reception anywhere, from desolate plains to remote mountain passes.
The speaker is loud enough that the barbarian can hear the other person clearly as he crouches warily, sword held in front of his face, carrying out his conversation while poised to defend himself against his foes.
Available now from your nearest swordsmith.
Such as 'xiphoid' [imaginality, Jan 06 2007]
An unhappy barbarian
This barbarian is sad. He is sad because he doesn't have a xiphoid cellphone [imaginality, Jan 06 2007]
A happy barbarian
With his new xiphoid cellphone. Notice the microphone in the centre of the guard, powerful enough to cope with his angry bellows, however loud. [imaginality, Jan 06 2007]
For the ninja on your list...
...a new Katana. [2 fries shy of a happy meal, Jan 07 2007]
||[+] Maybe also a camera phone so that the barbarian could take pictures of his foe after fighting him.
||Btw [XSarustaX], Xiphoid means "sword-shaped".
||Harald "Bluetooth" I, king of Denmark, would kick your Xiphoid cellphone toting barbarian's ass.
||Yes, but since it interferes with navigation equipment, you have to keep it switched off during the flight.
||I thought that this was going to be a
cellphone implanted into your chest.
||It's rather the reverse; owners of this cellphone tend to insert it into the chests of others.