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'how to tell if you're dead'

a book
  (+12, -2)(+12, -2)
(+12, -2)
  [vote for,
against]

This handy little illustrated guide serves as a list of things you can perform to deduce whether or not you are, in fact, some sort of nonexistent ghost.
daseva, Mar 24 2008

Glasgow Coma Score http://www.trauma.o...ive/scores/gcs.html
How do you rate? [Klaatu, Mar 25 2008]

(?) The sequal. http://www.computer...sale/handbook2b.jpg
[2 fries shy of a happy meal, Mar 25 2008]

(?) Clip from Kentucky Fried Movie http://www.youtube....watch?v=48nwgoOtgbQ
How to tell that you are dead and what to do about it. [Eugene, Mar 25 2008]

IEDAB http://www.qntm.org/
Check out the International Earth-Destruction Advisory Board (if you can find it) on this sight. It provides useful tips for those trying to determine whether or not the Earth has been destroyed. [Alterother, Mar 26 2008]

(?) Am I Dead or Alive? http://www.shekhark.../quantum_riddle.htm
It's tricky, since thought implies existence. [Ander, Apr 03 2008]

Air plane crash victim wonders: am I dead or alive? http://murdo525252....m-wonders-am-i.html
Here's how these guys did it. (They both turned out to be alive, though... What we need is some input from people who turned out to be dead.) [Ander, Apr 03 2008]

[link]






       This would have been useful in at least one film that I can think of - would have saved some 120 odd minutes.
Jinbish, Mar 24 2008
  

       What if one of the things you're not able to do is turn pages?   

       This needs to be in pamphlet form.
zen_tom, Mar 24 2008
  

       I just beat [jinbish] at tabletennis. I think. <refers to book>
po, Mar 24 2008
  

       //This needs to be in pamphlet form.//   

       Or put it as a poster on the wall: "If you can walk through this poster, you're a ghost."
imaginality, Mar 24 2008
  

       I've always found it funny that a dead body can score a "3" on the GCS. Bun.
Klaatu, Mar 25 2008
  

       Tom Waits gives us one rule in "Telephone Call From Istanbul":   

       "Never drive a car when you're dead"
globaltourniquet, Mar 25 2008
  

       The poster idea could be a page, for real. The current reception is a little surreal. I went to the page where they say how to do it using the halfbakery and it told me to post this idea. If I received three positive votes then I knew I could be..   

       Dah dah DAHHHHH!   

       alive, whew.
daseva, Mar 25 2008
  

       By the way, //some sort of nonexistent ghost// - in fact, all ghosts are nonexistent.
globaltourniquet, Mar 25 2008
  

       {Bumps his nose on a wall.[+]} What's wrong with "I think, therefore I am"?
Dub, Mar 25 2008
  

       //all ghosts are nonexistent// So there's not even the ghost of a chance?
zen_tom, Mar 25 2008
  

       I just lost to [po] at table tennis. <refers to book>
"If you've just lost to [po] at table tennis, please turn to page 281..."
<flicks through pages>
"Looooooo - ser!"
I don't like this book.<grumble>
Jinbish, Mar 25 2008
  

       "Check if you're in Denver ?"
8th of 7, Mar 25 2008
  

       But how could you tell whether you were undead?
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 25 2008
  

       [Jinbish] Ping-Po? {it's often played after consuming a bag of cherries}
Dub, Mar 25 2008
  

       I'm unable to resist the Douglas Adams' quote: "Death is God's way of telling you that you're dead".
hippo, Mar 25 2008
  

       You could be clinically dead and possibly still be able to think. Therefore, you could "prove" that you exist, but not that you are alive.   

       How about: if you're surrounded by corrupt CID officers and appear to have travelled back in time, then you are dead?
nineteenthly, Mar 25 2008
  

       The best test for 'death status' must be to listen out for your Fatal Auto Collision Song, Shirley?
Jinbish, Mar 25 2008
  

       Coffee table was when I was thinking of having it as a coffee table book. Which probably wouldn't be best for general company so I changed it.
daseva, Mar 25 2008
  

       I guess, I kinda want it to be cute or something. Like, a really absurdly long list of rules that must be carried out, all conditional on eachother, each more rediculous than the last and each gets it's own page. So, for instance:   

       Page 1. If you can say that you are alive, then you are alive. <picture of man screaming this to the heavens>   

       Page 2. If you can't say this sentence, try something similar. Like, I am a living human being. Something that's ok with you.<picture of somewhat confused old fart saying 'I am a Christian?', and a thumbs up from outside the window.>   

       Page 3. It's ok, you're alive, you don't have to say it. You're reading this book, of course your not dead. Your body is falling out of quantum indeterminacy into reality at all times. <picture of man with radiant glowing clouds centered on his chakras as he sits in a chair watching Michael Jordan play ball on a 20inch screen somewhere in a large city with the windows open at dusk>   

       Page 4. But, what if you were an undead? That's ok, we have a solution. Scratch yourself. If you heal, then you are not the undead. If you don't heal, then go see a doctor. He will either be able to heal you, or you will have to incure serious body and head damage and not be able to walk around to ensure you are not an undead. <picture of a nervous wreak with a razor blade in one hand as he stares at the red line resting along the index finger of the other>   

       Page 5. And what if you were a brain in a vat? <picture of brain in a vat and two young scientists making out against the bench your vat sits on and they're slipping and about to crash into the vat.>   

       Page 6. Why wouldn't ghosts be able to think? <picture of a few ghosts playing chess together>   

       Page 7. Ok ok, ghosts aren't real, but what about a dream? Maybe just like how you have dreams and they are just brain stuff, god has dreams and it's just you right now. You're not even alive you're just one of God's dreams! <picture of God cuddling with his pillow, you cuddled up with yours in his cloud, and some guy battling a giant yellow flying lobster in yours>   

       And so on. I guess, in the end I want it on some absurdities of many philosophies by including them in the paranoid notion of not existing even though you think you do, and also getting away with it because some wit may be involved and some cool art for the illustrations, too.   

       btw, Descartes, later in life, became continually perplexed with the notion that the world might be an extension of himself. This disassociated reasoning was in stark contrast to the sensory deprived cogito ergo sum conclusion, and might harbor a good page in the book, something about trying to bend a spoon with your mind.
daseva, Mar 26 2008
  

       I would find a gene bottle to live in and then tell girls to rub my bottle with their jugs for good luck!
quantum_flux, Mar 26 2008
  

       Wouldn't the first million pages define what it is to be alive? The next million pages would define the process of changing from alive to dead. During the reading of this book, you will of course have made the transition described, from utter boredom.
Ling, Mar 26 2008
  

       A book? Heck, a car bumper sticker is all you need - "If you can read this, you are not dead."
DrCurry, Mar 26 2008
  

       We want a bumper sticker that says, "If you can read this, you're about to DIE......"
8th of 7, Mar 26 2008
  

       In book: "Try asking Robert Jordan how the 'Wheel of Time' series was supposed to end. If you can, you're dead."
lurch, Mar 27 2008
  

       //But how could you tell whether you were undead?//   

       An insatiable desire for BBRRRRAAAIIIIINNNSSS!!!!
Noexit, Mar 27 2008
  

       //We want a bumper sticker that says, "If you can read this, you're about to DIE......"// Placed discretely on the underside of the fueltank protector plate.
4whom, Apr 01 2008
  

       Reminds me of Beetlegeuse's Handbook For The Recently Deceased.   

       Bun, donated primarily for [Noexit]'s anno.
theleopard, Apr 03 2008
  

       This book might be quite useful. I see it as having a nice user-friendly flow-chart.   

       "OK, so you're dead. Lie back and try to relax."
Loris, Apr 03 2008
  

       Do you go bump in the night?
james_what, Apr 03 2008
  

       Would this be a thickly-disguised call for a list?
Ian Tindale, Apr 03 2008
  
      
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