Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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electrically assisted eggs

battery operated pack for chickens
  (+3)
(+3)
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against]

basically this is a small backpack containing light weight batteries, which could be recharged by the energy produced by the birds feet as they stomp around the farmyard. the pack is held on by leather straps that go around the bird’s thorax area & bears the weight so there is no discomfort to the animal.

the intention of this little backpack is to make egg-laying more comfortable.

the egg takes a full 24 hours to complete its journey from the ovary to the vagina (picking up the egg-white and shell on its way) but the time spent in the last is very short. I believe the fact that, as a rule of thumb (so it has to be right), hens only lay one egg per day is because the process is so stressful.

the muscles in the chickens’ rear parts would be gently massaged with a device similar to the vibrating action of a ringing mobile phone, this would be adequate to relax everything up for the final push …like I said, just for a brief period and generally in the morning for some reason. simultaneously a small spray of lavender is released towards the other end of the hen, to soothe the bird’s mental state.

also in the pack is a small radio tuned into a classical radio station - music is so calming – apparently Beethoven's "Pastoral Symphony" and Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water" seems to work best for cows (so perhaps a little research is needed for chickens).

“the cow study may have been flawed, however, as no mention was made of whether or not "punk" cattle were included. you know the ones, walking around with a bad attitude and pierced udders...”

po, May 19 2003

Cluck that tune! http://members.cruz.../chicken.music.html
[thumbwax, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

[link]






       Battery operated battery chickens? I object on the grounds of
a) cruelty to animals (factory farming is cruel, however you go about it)
b) cruelty to people (what a horrendous pun)
DrCurry, May 19 2003
  

       these are free-range hens (of course) and no pun intended. honest!   

       spent a week researching this crap and in 3 seconds you condemn it as a pun. <g>
po, May 19 2003
  

       I give a big ol' + for a good laugh. Punk cattle, indeed. Lavender spray? Wonderful.
bquady, May 19 2003
  

       What on earth ever made you think of electrifying chicken bums? Have they been complaining?
waugsqueke, May 19 2003
  

       soon on the market "Free Range, Naturally Laid Eggs". Perhaps you can come up with a better use for the energy created by chickens "stomping", small heating/cooling devices for the coop maybe?
rbl, May 19 2003
  

       I am not electrocuting the little critters, I am massaging them. I have had a lot of neck pain recently but then my mind does work in a rather odd way.   

       its not a pun, waugs, you believe me, say you do.   

       rbl, gonna brand them "happy eggs"
po, May 19 2003
  

       [bliss] But now they'll come out fried. (don't you hate it when several people comment before your "quick" response?)   

       [po] I appreciate your trying to releive the suffering of chicken kind, but am not convinced by the method. I just can't imagine a soon-to-be-mother of the human kind when yelling for pain killers being happy as the doctor brings in some electrodes and a car battery. I say go streight to drugs or an epidural.
Worldgineer, May 19 2003
  

       If it is a pun, I don't get it.
waugsqueke, May 19 2003
  

       world, off-topic somewhat. 20% (I think it was) of UK birth's are now caesarian section - absolute bloody disgrace. either as a convenience to the parents or mostly to free up beds in the hospital.   

       they cost the tax-payer more than double a natural birth + come with baggage, e.g. mothers are less likely to breast feed etc.   

       like I said this is merely massage for our sweet fowl.
po, May 19 2003
  

       male docs?
po, May 19 2003
  

       chest, breast. you know what I mean pedant.   

       hmmm, stranger, remember name, writes on back of photo. don't trust the smart arse. newbie - give him a slap at first opportunity.   

       <smiles> might be rich! <\smiles>
po, May 19 2003
  

       + wihtout a doubt a well meaning and simple solution to the stress of pumping out eggs day after day, however I am concerned about someone even mentioning epidurals for chickens!   

       Mind you, you could add bacon flavour at the same time.
scubadooper, May 19 2003
  

       [po] Newby gone. Might as well tear up that picture.
Worldgineer, May 19 2003
  

       po: imagine some ob gyn had proposed hooking you up to the mains when it was time to eject your own sons nos. 1 & 2? Would they have found all the piece of the body yet?
DrCurry, May 19 2003
  

       cloaca puffs?
bristolz, May 19 2003
  

       [po]'s knowledge of this process is a bit frightening...
phoenix, May 19 2003
  

       Po's perverted^h^h^h^h^h^h^h^h^h mis-guided plan to vibrate parts of chickens I'd rather not think about is even more frightening.   

       I'll not fishbone it, because it was well intentioned, but I find it very very yucky.
FloridaManatee, May 19 2003
  

       what a wimp!   

       3 sons, Curry, 3 sons. they all came into the world the same natural way and a backrub would not have gone amiss - electrically or manually.
po, May 20 2003
  

       <gasp>
Shz, May 20 2003
  

       Nobody mention fish fingers.
egbert, May 20 2003
  

       I haven't laughed this hard since I don't know when. I can envision a day when humankind (and chickenkind) so totally rely upon this device that gradeschool science classes will discuss the topic "Which Came First, The Chicken Or The Egganator?"   

       A croissant is part of this (crazily) balanced breakfast.
dijontoothpaste, May 20 2003
  

       Ha, ha, ha! A yard full of hens waddling around with fistfuls of double A's strapped to their haunches, the air full of lavender and Wagner. Ha, ha, ha! +
k_sra, May 20 2003
  

       (+) cause 'chicks dig it'.
Cedar Park, May 20 2003
  
      
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