Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
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help button

" "
  (+8, -4)
(+8, -4)
  [vote for,

my new remote thingy has buttons for: power, drive select, AV (!?), channel up and down and sideways, volume, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0, prog check, manual skip, input select, delete, reste, skip/index, slow/search, stop, pause, play, status, exit, GUIDE, direct navigator, function menu, option, return, create chapter, REC, REcmode, ext link, direxct TV rec, TEXT, STTL, display, timeslip, jet rew - most of which do apparently nothing.

I suggest one more button "help" - on-screen directions that tell you where you are going wrong.

po, Jan 07 2010

Handy PDF version of MaxwellBuchanan's annotation http://www.panix.co...ta/hb/po-remote.pdf
Well, of most of it, anyway. [jutta, Jan 10 2010]


       your purpose then is to deny the manufacturers what little pleasure they get in annoying customers? hmmph... [+] but I'm sure baked in some models.
FlyingToaster, Jan 07 2010

       Why have on screen direction when it could be used to notify the local crack team of SAS/nerdy tech help?
<Cue helicopter, parasailing ninja, etc. etc.>
Jinbish, Jan 07 2010

       oh "crack" threw me for a minute - yeah, they could sail through a window anytime they like!
po, Jan 07 2010

       Power: self explanatory.   

       Drive select: park, neutral, forward, reverse.   

       AV: alternative video. Plays a Brazilian documentary about disability allowance.   

       Channel up and down: makes the channel go up and down.   

       Sideways: moves the TV to left or right to facilitate hoovering.   

       Volume: the overall size of the TV set; similar to "inflate/deflate".   

       1-10: calculator function.   

       Prog check: transfers money to the account of the man who programmed the remote (American spelling)   

       Manual Skip: allows the mains lead to be used for on-the- spot exercise.   

       Input select: jumps to the Food channel.   

       Delete: deletes the remote control.   

       Reste: this is clearly a European/US hybrid remote. Close your eyes and lie back whilst holding this button.   

       Skip/index: online list of excercises (see "manual skip")   

       Slow/search: makes the TV run slower while you look for the remote to change channel, so you don't miss too much.   

       Stop: stops.   

       Pause: similar to "reste", but shorter.   

       Play: converts the TV to an Aibo   

       Status: displays a message saying "48 inch flatscreen"   

       Exit: allows you to leave the room   

       GUIDE: *this* is the button you want. It summons a young girl guide who will know instinctively how to use the remote. May not function in all areas.   

       Direct navigator: as opposed to the indirect navigator.   

       function menu: pauses the programme for you to go to the loo (user-selectable time delay, depending on function expected).   

       Option: this button is optional.   

       Return: self explanatory; only applies if you have kept the receipt for the remote.   

       Create chapter: allows you to form a small local group of sheep worshippers.   

       REC: reconsider   

       REcmode: reconsider your mode   

       Ext link: this basically exts your link. You should do this every 2-3 weeks to clear the buildup of electrons in the aerial.   

       Direxct link: as above, but more thorough.   

       TEXT: stands for Transmitter Enhanced External Tone.   

       STTL: settle. Leaves the TV on the Nature channel, reduces the volume, turns down the treble and makes you a cup of tea.   

       Display: activates the "screen" - the large glassy area on the front of the set, which can supplement audio programs.   

       Timeslip: Measures the duration of a slip.   

       Jet Rew: must be used the first time the set is turned on, to prevent a dangerous buildup of protons in the capacitative discharge circuit.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 07 2010

       //Sideways: moves the TV to left or right to facilitate hoovering//
Is it just me? or is there lots of posts-in-waiting in the annos today
FlyingToaster, Jan 07 2010

       It's just you.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 07 2010

       [MB] Truly inspired. You get at least 50 Cosmic Brownie Points for that anno. Would you rather have them as good karma, or as years deducted from your time in purgatory?
mouseposture, Jan 07 2010

blissmiss, Jan 07 2010

       //good karma, or as years deducted //   

       Cash is always welcome.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 08 2010

       I think we should be allowed to bun annos.
nineteenthly, Jan 08 2010

       Instead of pressing F1,press "S""O""S"   

       That should fix it .
skinflaps, Jan 08 2010

       Bun annos? No way!   

       I'm at the medical library at the local university hospital. Dropped by this while taking a break, and... well, I was trying to be quiet. Staff thought I was having a seizure, and since there were about 8 doctors in the house, I just got Triaged.
lurch, Jan 08 2010

       I thought maybe this was a proposition to help the button. Because the button labors silently for hour upon thankless hour, the only help a Frito-greased thumb on the bum and a failing battery. The button could use help.
bungston, Jan 08 2010

       hey, where's the 30 min sleep function?
po, Jan 08 2010

       [marked-for-post] MB's intermittently insane and mostly false instruction guides for common household items.
daseva, Jan 08 2010

       Awwww, gosh...
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 08 2010

       what's a marked for post?   

       oh god, MB's gonna do a speech...
po, Jan 08 2010

       My lords, ladies and gentlemen, esteemed fellow halfbakers, [P]o, members of the League of Improbable Persons, representatives of the press, caterers, lighting managers, cameramen, sound technicians, ostlers, ostlees and of course the honourable Jutta....and now I see my time is up.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 08 2010

       Wow. And I liked the idea too, [po]
Mustardface, Jan 09 2010

       Presumably, if we fancy [MB]'s anno sufficiently, we could prevail upon him to stick it on his profile page.
nineteenthly, Jan 09 2010

       Or tie him up and force him to eat worms and salamanders, until he does.
blissmiss, Jan 09 2010

       that's sad. no bloody terrible...
po, Jan 09 2010

       I wish MB had come up with this - I'd give him a bun.
po, Jan 09 2010

       Awwww gosh. No, wait, I said that before.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 09 2010

       did u?
po, Jan 09 2010

       I did. It was in response to another piece of undesevered flattery.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 09 2010

       Awww, Jutta. I'm 40-something years old, and this is the first time I've ever been illustrated.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 10 2010

       (Oh, and the fact that I'm 40something is just between you and me.)
MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 10 2010

       MB & Jutta: A new Classic, to be added to my "Swing: what the customer wanted collection"
Ling, Jan 10 2010

       Excellent work, [MB]
The cheap implementation of this would be a button which popped up a message on the screen saying "What you just did was wrong"
hippo, Jan 10 2010

       Now I want to be confused and unable to change my channels so I can get jutta to...oh wait...nevermind ;-)
blissmiss, Jan 10 2010


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