Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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100kV mole killer

Spikes, ground, wire, tesla coil, capacitor, switch.
  (+5, -7)
(+5, -7)
  [vote for,

I am a man at the end of his tether.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 18 2010

Mole Bangers? http://www.youtube....watch?v=s5HfsKLM-34
Video of another guy that went the oxy-acetylene route... [Grogster, Jul 19 2010]

Hunter-rug you are now a candidate for "rug" status [xenzag, Jul 19 2010]

Blow them up instead... http://www.rodenator.com/
This might be usefull [senatorjam, Jul 20 2010]

http://www.youtube....watch?v=JLQ70JJpa0M [2 fries shy of a happy meal, Jul 23 2010]

Southlanders http://www.youtube....6C0&feature=related
"I'm not a bus or a hip-poty-mus" - with excellent mid song solo to match [xenzag, Jul 29 2010]

Bunker Busters http://en.wikipedia...Ordnance_Penetrator
For when you really want them gone [xxobot, Jul 30 2010]

Eastern Mole (close enough) http://www.fcps.edu...gy/eastern_mole.htm
Mole stuff. [Boomershine, Sep 24 2010]


       So, just to clarify, that was a NO on the ammonia refrigerant, then?
Grogster, Jul 19 2010

       The little bastards just laughed, and re-excavated their tunnel system six inches to one side. So now I have a duplicate set of mole runs and mole tunnels, and the first set smells of old pee.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 19 2010

       I used to work with a Instrument Tech named Smith. I drove over to his place one time and he had an oxy-acetylene torch rolled out to his front yard. He was on his knees with an evil grin. He had the "rosebud" attachment hooked up, unlit, and stuffed into a gopher hole, pumping in raw oxygen and acetylene. I watched, transfixed. After about 5 minutes, he rolled the bottles away and tossed a kitchen match into the hole. It felt like an earthquake. I forgot what I went over there for.
Grogster, Jul 19 2010

       My condolences. All the pyrotechnics are fun, but traps, traps, more traps are what worked for me.
normzone, Jul 19 2010

       [8th] might be your man for this job... except I think that fire and flash-bang are more his modus operandi.   

       While you're waiting for the numeric 'collectible' to arrive, could you please elaborate on the idea a bit? I know what a Tesla coil is... but unless it's zapping the moles as they surface, I'm not sure how it helps.
Jinbish, Jul 19 2010

       Can you find all of the entrances?   

       Good. Now get a whole bunch of friends around, and some dry ice. Basically you need to drop in a handful of dry ice and seal all of the entrances as quickly as possible. They should all asphyxiate before they can dig new openings.   

       If that doesn't work, try something more toxic.
Custardguts, Jul 19 2010

       Isn't there a HB rule against animal cruelty?
simonj, Jul 19 2010

       Learn to love the moles.... it's only a lawn. It's your mind you need to change, then the moles (as a problem) will then depart, for this only exists in your head.   

       You cannot possibly favour the "rights" of blades of grass over that of a living animal? What does it say about anyone who takes pleasure in inflicting pain on another creature?
xenzag, Jul 19 2010

       Oh dear. I had meant to delete this - the result of a man at the end of his tether late at night. But now it has garnered a protective shell of annotations.   

       [Custard] et al - gases of all descriptions are pretty useless against moles. They dig on multiple levels, so that neither heavy nor light gases will fill the entire system. They can also close off a tunnel in an instant, and can dig a new one almost as fast. Explosives......there are issues.   

       The premise of this idea was that damp soil is reasonably conductive. An array of spikes pressed into the damp earth, and then zapped with a powerful voltage (I was thinking of anodes and cathodes in an alternating pattern) ought to kill the moles quickly and effectively. However, realistically we'd be looking at several megavolts. Still....   

       [xenzag] the grass is under my dominion too, so it is a bit short on rights. I'm happy to save the whale and the white mountain orangutan, as long as they don't turn my lawn into a battlefield.   

       If the moles had made just a bit more effort over the last few hundred million years and evolved like we did, then they'd be the ones trying to eradicate me. But no. As Darwin said, speaking of the struggle for survival and the evolutionary race between hunted and hunter, 'ya snooze, ya lose."
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 19 2010

       Butane is denser than air. Not as seismic as acetylene and oxygen, but quite effective.   

       //Isn't there a HB rule against animal cruelty//
Humane pest control isn't cruelty.

       //I am a man at the end of his tether//
Your head gardener is at the end of his tether, shirley?
coprocephalous, Jul 19 2010

       //Your head gardener is at the end of his tether, shirley?//   

       There's a rule in the Buchanan estate - never ask a man to do something which you wouldn't be prepared to do yourself. Obviously, this has its limitations, but the bottom line is that I can't just tell the poor man to get rid of the moles unless there is a way to do it. God knows he's done his best; his hearing may never recover, although they've saved his fingers.   

       Good staff are increasingly hard to find and to keep. We lost our fourth under-pantrymaid just last week, which means that nobody is really looking after the underpants. Last thing I need is for the Head Gardener to walk out.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 19 2010

       Joke ?   

       How is this funny ?   

       Tea leaves in one's cup of tea are far from pleasant.
8th of 7, Jul 19 2010

       //the grass is under my dominion too// now you sound like Ronald Reagan: "Once you've seen one tree, you've seen them all".
xenzag, Jul 19 2010

       Even the Bush administration had a mole problem.   

       Moth balls, lime, or castor oil.
RayfordSteele, Jul 19 2010

       Moles are subterranean animals, so their hearing would be exceptional. Powerful sound waves should be able to disrupt their feeding and other behavior, driving them insane. I suspect they have a "sweet" spot in terms of sound frequency which they are highly sensitive too.
ddn3, Jul 19 2010

       Actually, moles are pretty indifferent to sound. Various methods alleged to deter moles include:   

       setting an empty wine bottle in the ground so that the wind makes an eerie mole-scaring sound.   

       sticking a child's windmill in the mole hills.   

       burying a cheap transistor radio (switched on).   

       spending large sums on space-age ultrasonic mole repellers (these are great - they are always advertised with a drawing of a mole running away with his hands over his ears).   

       burying one of those "musical greeting card" gadgets (minus card).   

       Not one of these methods has any effect whatsoever, except to make the mole move six inches to one side and start over. The verges of the extremely busy road near where I live are pockmarked with molehills, as are the grass areas adjacent to many major runways.   

       Moles are pretty insensitive to sound or smell. They are, however, quite sensitive to pitchforks.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 19 2010

       // Last thing I need is for the Head Gardener to walk out// Aye, the barber can't be expected to nit-pick as well as trim.
pocmloc, Jul 19 2010

       100kV? Pffft. The moles are laughing at you.   

       What you need is a tent peg, a model rocket, 1km of fine copper wire, and the patience to wait for the next cumulonimbus cloud.
Wrongfellow, Jul 19 2010

       Killing moles just makes them angry.   

       Seriously, moles are territorial. If you kill the one or two in your garden, there will be half a dozen from the surrounding area digging all over trying to claim the territory.   

       Leave the moles and the tunnellng will settle down.   

       I was recently reading some memoirs of local characters from the end of the 19th century - the mole catcher knew his job was always safe - as soon as he'd caught a few moles on an estate, there'd be more moles and more work. If work slowed down, he always knew where to find a couple of moles and 'introduce' them to one of the big estates, resulting in territorial disputes, enthusiatic tunelling and more work!
Twizz, Jul 20 2010

       Better rsults might be obtained by exploiting human's propensity for violence.   

       The best method might be to promulgate the view that some part of the mole has an attractive quality, or some special benefit; pehaps "Mole meat makes you younger".   

       The demand for moles will increase dramatically, and within a short period they will be hunted to extinction (something your species seems to have a penchant for).
8th of 7, Jul 20 2010

       (8th) Would that work the way it did with Mink?   

       Valued for their fur, they were imported and extensively farmed (much easier than hunting them). Some escaped and took up residence, causing all sorts of upset by eating rare birds eggs etc.   

       Where's my moleskin trousers?   

       N.B. Mole meat makes you constipated.
Twizz, Jul 20 2010

       // Mole meat makes you constipated //   

       There you are then, the perfect natural organic diahorrea remedy.   

       "One man's meat is another man's pharmaceutical preparation."
8th of 7, Jul 20 2010

       //Mole meat makes you constipated //
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Jul 21 2010

       Careful there [Abs], you're risking a trademark infringement.
8th of 7, Jul 21 2010

       That reminds me of the story about the lost Gerbil...on a similar thread, constipation would be likely if said mole was inserted in the wrong place.   

       Unless it tried to dig its way out.
Ling, Jul 22 2010

       "Killing moles just makes them angry."   

blissmiss, Jul 22 2010

       What you need are garden gnomes blowing little vuvuzelas into the tunnels. And snipers waiting for them when they emerge.
shudderprose, Jul 22 2010

       Hmm. Killer Robo-Moles ? Tiny tunneling Terminators ?
8th of 7, Jul 22 2010

       What worries me is that, having posted a hypothetical and implausible solution to the furry talpid problem, it seems that mine is still the most practicable solution on this page.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 22 2010

       //Whatcha need is some ferrets to drive them out of the tunnels//
You can get a ferret down a mole tunnel?
What sort of mutant moles (or ferrets) have you got?
coprocephalous, Jul 22 2010

       ... And so will be born another halfbaked idea:   

       "Device for inserting ferrets into mole tunnels":   

       A pair of oversized gloves with steel digging tips, are fitted to the mole. When the mole digs, the tunnel is larger than normal, due to the paw extensions. The hole is large enough for a ferret to enter.
Twizz, Jul 22 2010

       //Learn to love the moles...//   

       xenzag, if you feel this way about moles, I have a live one I can ship you at this very moment.   

       If not, he's going on a five-mile drive to a pleasant, quiet meadow far away from my gardens and far from the hustle and bustle of estate life. Here, he will be released, to snuffle around in bemusement for a while before scampering off to find a nice patch of rich, dark earth where he can begin to think about burrowing again. At this point, there's every likelihood that a kestrel will swoop down and eat him.   

       I like kestrels.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 22 2010

       Give these guys a call [MB]. [link]
You could start a petting zoo, now wouldn't that be nice?

       [2fries] the video appears to depict some sort of North American dwarf beaver.   

       My gripe is with East Anglian Giant Moles, and they are far more difficult. They were bred back in the middle ages from the natural East Anglian Large Mole, in order to facilitate the drainage of the fens. Shafts would be dug twenty or thirty miles apart, and moles of opposite sex dropped into each shaft. The resulting tunnel was as straight as a Roman road and almost a perfect 24" circle in section.   

       Naturally, a good proportion of these East Anglian Giant Moles escaped, and have caused problems ever since.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 23 2010


       //I am a man at the end of his tether.//   

       Lateral thinking: what's the other end of the tether secured to? Whatever it is, could you get a mole to dig it out for you? Then you would be free.
pertinax, Jul 25 2010

       How big is this lawn of yours Buchanan?
methinksnot, Jul 26 2010

       I don't see the problem: just add a bit of automation to the trebuchet.
FlyingToaster, Jul 26 2010

       //How big is this lawn of yours Buchanan?//   

       We've never been entirely sure.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 26 2010

       It is a little known fact that the dungeons of Norwich castle were dug by the pioneering use of the East Anglian Giant Mole.   

       In a moment of pure genius, the architect dug a shaft and lowered a pole into it with the mole tethered to a rope which was wrapped around thwe shaft. As the mole began to dig, the rope unwound, allowing the mole to dig in a spiral until the required radius was achieved. Repeating the operation at several levels resulted in a cyclindrical dungeon. Spoil was removed by forcing peasants to eat it.   

       The above may be utter bollocks.
Twizz, Jul 26 2010

       Small lawn = plausible solution   

       Large lawn = halfbakery
methinksnot, Jul 28 2010

       Apart from kestrels, what else predates moles ?   

       Maybe you need the mole equivalent of myxomatosis.
8th of 7, Jul 28 2010

       //what else predates moles ? //   

       Algae, the continental crust, the Moon and "Happy Days".
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 28 2010

       careful with the horse. It won't like the holes.
methinksnot, Jul 28 2010

       I know. The horse is already quite unhappy about pieces of paper, unexpected shafts of sunlight, rabbits, metal gate- closers, and a seemingly endless array of other minor (but apparently deeply disturbing) items of everydayness.   

       It also gets new shoes more often than I do, wears twice as many of them, and they cost more than mine.   

       To have it catch its foot in mole-hole would just be the iceberg on the cake.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 28 2010

       William III

       sudden re-arrangement of the above   

       a worrying precedent
pertinax, Jul 29 2010

       That's nearly a haiku, [pert].
8th of 7, Jul 29 2010

       Crank up the volume and learn to love the Mole Song.... link (you owe me now Max)
xenzag, Jul 29 2010

       You guys are thinking far too small [link]   

       Actually i'm all for living with the peacfully [-]
xxobot, Jul 30 2010

       the peacfully is good.   

       I doubt the moles would pick my spelling
xxobot, Aug 03 2010

       Far be it from me to suggest that this isn't an ingenious, earth-shattering and life-affirming example of the brilliance of the human mind when faced with a seemingly intractable problem, but this isn't an ingenious, earth- shattering and life- affirming example of the brilliance of the human mind when faced with a seemingly intractable problem.
twitch, Sep 23 2010

       Well, it might be, and then again, it might not.
8th of 7, Sep 23 2010

       It could be earth-shattering. Given the right soil conditions.
gisho, Sep 23 2010

       //Apart from kestrels, what else predates moles ? //   

       You mean, other predat(ors)?   

       "Moles have few predators, because they are not easy to catch. Snakes, foxes, raccoons, and owls will eat them if they can catch them."[link]   

       Sounds like even they have little luck with moles.
Boomershine, Sep 24 2010

       And [link]:   

       "From the main tunnels, the mole digs several side tunnels which head towards the surface. Then the mole digs "temporary" tunnels from the side tunnels. These are what the mole uses to look for food. Temporary tunnels are just under the surface of the soil. The mole does not re-use the temporary tunnels, it just digs new ones when it's hungry."   

       This might explain why your moles keep moving 6" to the side. That's what they do.
Boomershine, Sep 24 2010

       [Max], wherever you are; I hope you took with you the Magnificent Collection of Handy Hints you chronicled on this site over the years! I bring this up for an admittedly Self Serving Reason; that is, it occurred to me that 1) I may need a number of my own Half-Baked Brainstorms to be doable in the next life, and 2) if you're anywhere close by I may need assistance with MY OWN Mole Problem, and 3) what if I AM the Mole in the next life, hmmm?? I'd certainly like to be cognizant of any extermination effort you may resort to, Shirley?   

       Respectfully Submitted Into The Ether,
Grogster, May 23 2020


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