Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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ATM Advice

"Advice Slips" that don't just print out how much money you just withdrew.
  (+8, -2)
(+8, -2)
  [vote for,

This ATM machine is hooked up to various National databases acquiring information about you from as wide a range as age and occupation to known associates and social clubs. A complicated algorithm assesses the info, cross-references it with your friends' and family's records, and upon selecting the "Would you like an advice slip with your transaction?" selection, the customer is delighted to receive their nugget of intuitive advice. Examples of which might be:

- Sandra seems like a nice girl, why not take her out for dinner?

- Jenkins is pushing you too hard and you're yet to receive a payrise. It's time to start looking for a new job, and finally get off the medication.

- How about Chinese tonight?

- Mandy is having a very hard time at the moment, I'm sure she'd appreciate a token of your support. I know for a fact that she likes chocolate and Sainsbury's Passion Fruit Bio-Pot yoghurts.

- How about a 9 iron?

If you actually want a record of how much money you just withdrew you hit 'receipt' instead.

theleopard, Mar 17 2007

"Orwell Caps" http://www.designsb...cap_big_brother.jpg
Here, put this on... [theleopard, Mar 21 2007]


       gawd, big brother is everywhere.
po, Mar 17 2007

       That's because it's better to give than to receipt.
xenzag, Mar 17 2007

       There's no invasion of privacy in so much as it is an algorithm that has your personal details fed into it and an appropriate piece of advice is formulated. At no point can this ATM utilise the information in any other way, other than directly through the algorithm, nor can anyone (including yourself) access your info.   

       I knew this would end with everyone putting their Orwell caps on but I couldn't figure out a way for the ATM to give advice without it turning into a random fortune-cookie-esque affair.
theleopard, Mar 20 2007

       And what's wrong with a random fortune-cookie-esque affair? It would still bring a lightness to the whole transaction.   

       Without getting all Orwellian, it could still give you advice based on data already available to it.   

       "Don't forget you've got that standing order due out in two days time - are you sure you can afford to withdraw that much? Would you like me to write a note to the manager asking for a temporary overdraft?"   

       "That's a lot of money you're withdrawing from a joint bank account. I'm sorry to say your recent transactions indicate that you're spending a lot of time and money with someone other than the joint holder of this account. Would you like a phone number for relationship councelling, or would you rather a list of cheap motels nearby?"
TheLightsAreOnBut, Mar 20 2007

       Yeah, it could certainly assess, and make assumptions from, your Debit/Credit card purchases for the same account and not be too intrusive. However, I'd prefer it to advise on personal matters rather than monetary ones. If these assumptions can be drawn from simply your transactions then happy days.   

       I like the cheap motels one by the way.
theleopard, Mar 20 2007

       Just give me the damn sucker and mind your own buisness, you nosey son of a bitch!
blissmiss, Mar 20 2007

       Sandra? I thought she said she was married...   

       I'm mildy distrubed by fortune reading machines. An ATM that could advise me on matters of love with any accuracy would probably lead me to hole up somewhere in Montana and start making bombs.   

       Well, I probably wouldn't do the bomb making part... or the Montana part...
ye_river_xiv, Mar 21 2007

       //There's no invasion of privacy in so much as it is an algorithm that has your personal details fed into it and an appropriate piece of advice is formulated.//   

       Yeah... As far as you know.   

       Besides, if the computer can get to it, then you know for damn sure that the people who wrote the software for the computer can get it too.
emjay, Mar 21 2007

       I see your point and understand it needs a little work to ensure the liberties of those that use this service, but bear in mind that it is a voluntary service. You don't have to ask for the advice slip.   

       And maybe in the real world it might have to be limited to monetary advice, just looking at the information directly available to it (bank statements and the like), but still I can't get over the disappointment I feel whenever I get an advice slip that just says;   

theleopard, Mar 21 2007

       "Dude: every transaction you've made in the last six month has been from a non-bank ATM in a pub. The total withdrawal fee accrued from this doofus behaviour is $180. Think of how many cases you could buy for that before you come back."
m_Al_com, Mar 21 2007

       "£100 cash at 2 in the morning? Don't do drugs."
theleopard, Mar 22 2007

       // "£100 cash at 2 in the morning? Don't do drugs."   

       The advice should really be non judgemental:   

       "£100 cash at 2 in the morning? Don't do drugs. If you must, however, make sure you get a good deal. The following is a list of current drugs prices, plus tips for recognising fraudulent practices such as adding chalk to the mix."
TheLightsAreOnBut, Mar 22 2007

       $300 dollars at two in the morning? Stay away from those girls on the corner. Sally would let you have it for a dozen roses.
ye_river_xiv, Mar 23 2007

       Her name's "Sandra".
theleopard, Mar 23 2007

       This could pay for itself in advertising, no more cash point fees.   

       // $300 dollars at two in the morning? Stay away from those girls on the corner. Sally would let you have it for a dozen roses. // Rose's Rose emporium: The only place you can buy a dozen roses at two in the morning. Also sells quality drugs at honest prices - find a better trip for cheaper and we'll refund you double the difference!
TheLightsAreOnBut, Mar 23 2007

       I could have done with these innovative advice slips years ago. Before I became a financial renegade hell-bent on dissecting the conglomerate that is HSBC. Think how it must feel to be denied one of those cards. No Switch, no godforaken Solo card, NOT EVEN A GOD DAMN BASIC BANK ACCOUNT CARD WITH WHICH TO SIMPLY WITHDRAW MONEY. I became too friendly with my cheque book. Got too close. My punishment is that now, in order to access my cash, I must physically walk into a bank and withdraw money directly over the counter. They are only open 9-5 during weekdays. I work during weekdays. They are not open at weekends. I don't work weekends. Sometimes, I just line up in ATM qeueus, you know, just to try and remember what it feels like. It feels good. The humble advice slip has come too late for me, but you should all cherish it.
leroypatter, May 02 2007

       How honest would the machine be? Would we see things like   

       "Why don't you claim rich Uncle William molested you?"   

       "Making the pirates of the caribean ride into a movie was your idea... wasn't it?"   

       "Go to www.halfbakery.com and scan for a good idea, steal it, and market it commercially."
ColonelMuffins, May 02 2007


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