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Ambiguous Newscasts

Ambiguous bulletins insure news agencies leave their options open
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jutta so nicely explained garden path sentences (which I had never heard of before) in referring to an subtle annotation by Rods Tiger that I thought it might be fun to put intentionally ambiguous sentences together in a mock news bulletin. Perhaps news agencies would find these useful--after that election-day debacle when newscasters kept awarding Florida to one candidate and then the other, the fourth estate could use a little creative ambiguity.

Example:

During ongoing labor negotiations today automobile assembly line workers continued to bolt. Said union steward Slats Downhilski, "We workers have no options but management just keeps taking stock." Meanwhile, offensive planners discussed strike strategies in an effort to lay a firm foundation at the union hall.

[Addendum: I forgot about Frank & Earnest! I also notice that the alternate meanings of jutta's garden path example sentence revolve around a fairly subtle shift in the word "with," while my examples are all obvious double entendres. Further, only the first of my sentences actually reverses meaning depending on the interpretation--the others are not symmetrical in that respect. In other words, points awarded for subtlety and symmetry.]

Dog Ed, May 12 2001

Garden Noam http://www.halfbake.../idea/Garden_20Noam
jutta's annotation explains garden path sentences [Dog Ed, May 12 2001, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Frank & Ernest http://www.frankandernest.com/
A maleprop's delight--and scourge of pedants. [reensure, May 12 2001]

Naked News http://www.nakednews.com/
THIS is what Peter's talking about. [AfroAssault, May 12 2001, last modified Oct 05 2004]

[link]






       Authorities Shut Down Hypnotist's Practice; Patients Denied Entrance
globaltourniquet, May 12 2001
  

       A little better than my first efforts:   

       Scholars study historic debates: Douglas spoke while Lincoln talked.   

       World of haute couture changing: Ralph Lauren is no longer in fashion.
Dog Ed, May 13 2001
  

       Since none of these are garden path sentences, maybe you should remove the reference and make it a new game about malapropisms?
jutta, May 13 2001
  

       Oh dear, my ignorance must be showing--I thought I had gotten close with Lincoln/Douglas. I'll have to educate myself, I guess. In the meantime...Ambiguous Newscasts it is.
Dog Ed, May 13 2001
  

       Correct me if I'm wrong, jutta, but a good example of a garden path sentence is Groucho Marx's famous "The other day I shot an elephant in my pajamas..." (you know the rest).
globaltourniquet, May 14 2001
  

       Yes! You got it.
jutta, May 14 2001
  

       Rather than post a new 'idea' - I'll elaborate here:
Last night Television News Commentatators and their Guests informed myself and untold numbers of others in the course of an hour that anthrax was easy to make - no lab is necessary... Camp David is in the mountains of Maryland 90 miles North of The White House - President Bush is meeting with Vice President Dick Cheney - who was been in seclusion there - along with Colin Powell and high-ranking Military Authorities... They also told of how one flight attendant was concerned because her laptop computer was not examined more closely - it could be a device as she explained to Security personnel - who replied they didn't think it was necessary... The news also featured reports on what the Reserves who have been called up will be called upon to do and after exactly how many days of training... All this and more spewing from the mouths of Commentators, Analysts, Authors and Former Generals. There is a time and place for everything.
There is a man under arrest who was in possession of his Brothers Pilot Identification who is not cooperating with Authorities. I'd venture that he has received far more pressure to speak than the pundits. Apparently he is the only one with brains enough to keep his mouth shut so as not to inform his Enemy of facts. Whether directly or indirectly.
I am going to contact News Organizations and Federal Authorities at every level via email to call for a moratorium on 'News' that is far more dangerous for an Enemy to make use of in their own foresight than apparently these same News Organizations and Authorities have exercised no restraint on to this point. Apparently there is a reason why News Organizations haven't been targets of any attacks - they are the Source Of Information for The Enemy. Where a thought may not have occured to them before - there certainly is information that they now consider relevant to their cause.
Soon enough we will have Cameramen running around Afghanistan compromising efforts of Military Operations. The one Camera shot I wish to see is from the viewpoint of a camera affixed to a missile heading straight at Osama Bin Laden as it sends him to Hell.
thumbwax, Sep 15 2001
  

       thumbwax: it's true that the Afghans are considering allowing cameramen into Afghanistan for propaganda reasons (showing civilian tragedies, etc) but that's only the case because our governments lie to us about the conduct of war and the efficacy of the techniques they used (e.g. the deliberate targetting of civilians). It's taken years for truths about the Gulf War to come out, facts which relate to the health and lives of our servicemen as much as to the deaths of Arab civilians.   

       I think some of what they say on the news about making bombs, beating security, and other areas (e.g. using the internet for finding child pornography, bomb making info, preparing drugs for injection) can be irresponsible, but this information isn't hard to come by. We'd have to ban most news reporting and lots of Hollywood movies.   

       Incidentally, Anthrax is easy to make, but requires a multi-million dollar lab to convert into a powder suitable for distribution. Which is why people think Iraq must be involved in the present attacks.
pottedstu, Oct 14 2001
  
      
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