Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Annual child lacquering

Coat your child in sticky quick-hardening goo once a year for memorial purposes
  (+13, -2)(+13, -2)
(+13, -2)
  [vote for,

Human children, unlike arthropods, shed their skin in bits, rendering it harder for one to present their future sexual parrtners with embarrassing chitinous exoskeletons of their former selves. Remedy this lack by lacquering them annually on their birthdays, splitting the resultant child cases open and storing them like Russian dolls in the attic. Then you'll always have something to remember them by, which you will need once you've done it more than a couple of times or after the authorities have discovered the practice.
nineteenthly, Apr 09 2014

History of the World in 100 Objects - Han Lacquer Cup http://www.bbc.co.u...w/all#playepisode68
15 minute BBC podcast. [DrBob, Oct 28 2014]


       [+] This would also work exceedingly well with cats. Total immersion in methacrylate monomer would do the trick nicely.
8th of 7, Apr 09 2014

       Just wonderful! Ubercroissant.
calum, Apr 09 2014

       This is very.
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 09 2014

       We now have access to 3D body scanners, to help us take 3D snapshots of our family as they change.   

       No need for messy lacquer, but if you want to take a dip, be my guest.   

       And, the 3D scan gives you an electronic file, which you can do all sorts of fun things with. (Add different colors, change positions, add them to games, movies, etc)
sophocles, Apr 09 2014

       You could use a large 3D printer, after taking a 3D scan, to print a "shell" that exactly resembled your child.
Vernon, Apr 09 2014

       I offer you my lacquered pastry [+]
mitxela, Apr 09 2014

       //storing them like Russian dolls in the attic//   

       What happens if you have an obese child who then loses weight? Or, if you're in Norfolk, what happens if the 12th-year cast of your daughter is more slender than when she was pregnant?
MaxwellBuchanan, Apr 09 2014

       OK. My Christmas Card this year should be a picture of all of our dark Lacquered shells, as we each make the "Han Solo trapped in Carbonite" pose, next to each other.   

       I happen to have a 3D printer, but not a scanner. I'll get right to work! (not... of course I'm far too lazy to finish any project)
sophocles, Apr 09 2014

       Family action figures seems like a goldmine idea.
WcW, Apr 09 2014

       This is frigging brilliant. I missed it. Yay! Big gooey bun from me.
blissmiss, Apr 10 2014

       [+] Cool. Can also be used as a cake or jello mold for their birthday party!
xandram, Apr 10 2014

       Need the authorities be concerned? Is live human lacquering really the sort of thing that might result in Social Services getting twitchy? I can't see how. It's not really substantially different from notching heights against the doorframe, now is it?
calum, Apr 10 2014

       "Dead children maybe, Live ones would be murder."   

       Mr. Bond and the Russian Cabaret Dancer.
popbottle, Apr 10 2014

       Before I lacquer children I will have to liquor the missus.
AusCan531, Apr 11 2014

blissmiss, Apr 11 2014

       I can see it now...   

       A future alien archeological expedition will discover one human child perfectly preserved in amber and our species will be reconstructed for their Terrasic Park.   

       Not to mention that this will provide a full set of finger and toe prints for Mom/Dad to give the police.
popbottle, Oct 27 2014

       Gosh, how the days goes by (reaches for brush and varnish)
not_morrison_rm, Oct 28 2014

       Curious that this idea is just six months old: it feels in my head like I have known of and enjoyed this idea for years now. In terms of the extent to which this has marinated itself into the lower reaches of my consciousness - how frequently the idea crops up in my thoughts - this feels like an idea from about 2006. I am remembering it from before I knew of it. Very curious.
calum, Oct 28 2014

       That's because so much is happening in my life that it's stretched time for everyone else too.
nineteenthly, Oct 28 2014

       I am not sure that that can be the case, because the alteration of my perception of time is strictly localised to my remembering and therefore my sensed experience of the existence of this idea. I think that rather than the idea being something that widens time in a global sense, stretching time, horizontally, if you will, in stead it taps into a lower part of the brain, which is less concerned with times as a ringfencing of experience, a vertical. In other words, this idea is (so far as I am aware) the only thing that does not act sympathetically with my perception of the passage of time, which given its subject matter is perhaps ironic.   

       There is either a characteristic of this idea, or of my brayne or of the interaction between the two that allows this mild mindfuck to happen. If I could isolate it / them, I could become a wizard of some sort, I'd expect.
calum, Oct 28 2014

       This idea is both brilliant and recent; a combination which, for hardened cynics, unsettles a lower cortex of the brayne known as the brobe. Experiments in brainial stimulation have shown that if you further probe the brobe, it induces a feeling of wanting to sneeze, but being totally unable to.
mitxela, Oct 28 2014

       // reaches for brush and varnish //   

       A high pressure spray will give much faster and more even coverage, shirley ?
8th of 7, Oct 28 2014

       High pressure spray??? Philistine! (linky)
DrBob, Oct 28 2014

       The problem is the crevices.   

       A much better option would be to use electrostatic powder-coating followed by heat-curing.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 28 2014

       // The problem is the crevices //   

       Yes, the problem is always the crevices.   

       Dip-coating using a bath of molten PVC gives a nice smooth uniform finish.
8th of 7, Oct 29 2014

       I think someone tried it with concrete on one of the bridges on the M25.   

       But he couldn't find the same guy for casting number 2.
Ling, Oct 29 2014

       Nice to be reminded of this slightly macabre idea. Rather than store these in the attic, use them around the house to hold shelves up, like small, sad-looking caryatids.
hippo, Oct 29 2014

       Get the embalming right, and a bit of deft work with some florist's wire, wax, and cotton wool, and they can be happy smiling little caryatids ... forever ...
8th of 7, Oct 29 2014


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