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Anti-Depression Machine

ADM -Treat the symptoms, forget the drugs (I've been there)
  (+11, -8)
(+11, -8)
  [vote for,

Depression has many causes, and many different treatments. But the effect the world sees is pretty much the same. A gloomy, soggy face and slumped shoulders, a person drinking at the bar, enjoying his/her misery.

Picture R2D2 with robotic arms. The anti-depression machine has just what is needed to perk up the lost soul. A slump sensor triggers two robotic arms to lift and separate the shoulders. A third appendage reaches out and slips a joy buzzer under the left buttocks and jolts the subject into alert state; and if this only makes the sufferer mad, a cool compress is ejected from the top to cool down the forehead. A low soothing hum of white noise or meditation tones emanates from the heart of the machine which lulls the depressed into relaxed state. Then the audio begins; there are no sad poems or love songs only humorous and sparkling conversation.

The anti-depression machine is made of shatterproof plastics and titanium so no matter how many times you pound it, throw it or drop it from high places it returns to its former annoying state. But by now you are mad, not depressed, and you have a project and a purpose before you, to destroy the ADM.

dentworth, Jul 28 2005

Playfair.com http://gallery.me.com/biaja/100026
Just raise your hands and yell: I'm Depressed [pashute, Mar 30 2011]


       So we are going to cure depression by making people psychotic?   

       P.S. Don't confuse depression with being down in the dumps: there is a clinical difference.
DrCurry, Jul 28 2005

       Some people I know have depression and they don't slump or visit bars frequently. They just say weird things most of the time, or just sit staring into space for ages.
pooduck, Jul 28 2005

       I wrote this as a way of laughing at myself. It may be too glib for some, but I know plenty about depression.
dentworth, Jul 28 2005

       I like it [+]
contracts, Jul 28 2005

       Beats the tar out of being followed by a clown with a nitrous oxide bottle.
reensure, Jul 28 2005

       WOW! thanks c, I expect you would learn to hate it, as that is the point...
dentworth, Jul 28 2005

       K [dentworth] I was probably taking it too seriously. I admit it is funny. I will give [+]
pooduck, Jul 28 2005

       We'll take two, no, make that three, in case of malfunction.
blissmiss, Jul 28 2005

       Eh, what the heck, I've tried everything else. Gimme one. Just make sure its name isn't Marvin.
Noexit, Jul 28 2005

       Marvin needs one of these himself.
DesertFox, Jul 28 2005

       I agree totally, [DesertFox], but wouldn't Marvin just reprogram the 'bot to make it see how he feels?
froglet, Jul 28 2005

       //This robot depresses me.//
Give it more juice, dentworth. Maybe he'll push the destruct button.
ldischler, Jul 28 2005

       [Dentworth] I got up to about ten paragraphs of anno on this one, most of which were not at all nice, until I read your first anno. The trouble with being satirical about depression is that even most depressives don't get it.....
Basepair, Jul 28 2005

       I thought drugs *did* just treat the symptoms.
Aegd, Jul 29 2005

       [Basepair] I'm not sure how to preface this posting so as not to be offensive. "I have hormonal, cyclical imbalance, with suicidal tendencies", doesn't make for a happy bakery. [Aegd], some depression is chemical imbalance, and the right drug can correct it. So it's more than a symptom treatment, but may be required for lifetime.
dentworth, Jul 29 2005

       Nevermind, I knew it would be asking too much.
blissmiss, Jul 29 2005

       whats up Bliss?, I just tuned in this am.   

       do you need a tracking number for your order? also, the machine comes with a money back guarantee, so two should be plenty. Thank you for your order.
dentworth, Jul 29 2005

       Sigh* I think more of those with depressed or shallow joy should become dog people and get unplugged.
reensure, Jul 29 2005

       //[Basepair] I'm not sure how to preface this posting so as not to be offensive.// It wasn't offensive once I realised how it was meant. I only got wound up because I'm so used to hearing people suggest similar strategies to yours, but in good faith. So, it took me some time to realize we were walking on the satirical side here. Anyway, hang in there. :-)
Basepair, Jul 29 2005

       //I thought drugs *did* just treat the symptoms// I think this implies that there's an underlying cause for clinical depression (and its relatives) which is not treated by the drugs - rather like the pain in your kidneys might reflect an infection which is not treated by the painkillers.

I don't think anyone knows for sure, but I am pretty sure that a lot of depression either has no primary physical cause (ie, it's a 'software bug') or is caused by a neurochemical imbalance which is, in fact, what is treated by the drugs (albeit imperfectly).

I guess my point is that I'm not sure that there is a clear dividing line between cause and symptom in depression. It's an interesting problem.

Incidentally, anyone who's interested for any reason should read Lewis Wolpert's book on the subject. It's very well written and he's one smart depressive.
Basepair, Jul 29 2005

       As are a large majority of the most well known authors in the world. The suicide rate in writers, is extremely high. I believe only topped by cops. Could be wrong, however.   

       I don't want to be critical of your idea, as the intent is clearly postive, but you won't find most depressed folks, "drinking at the bar, enjoying his/her misery."   

       Most often you will not see them at all. They are home, under the covers, too afraid to move even a muscle. To rearrange pillows, is sometimes too heavy. ( A rather stunning symptom, is to drag your ass to your p.c, go to the bakery, and get weird, and delete your account. It's almost suicidal, but with no ugly mess to clean up, just some swiss cheese).   

       People at bars enjoying their misery, are sitting at a bar, enjoying their misery. While they may be depressed, they have not yet reached the clinical definition of such. Or maybe their mate is depressed, and being at home is very depressing.   

       Yes, I know much about both. (Destroying accounts, and the relation it can have to depression :-(
blissmiss, Jul 30 2005

       the more I think about this and the annos, I believe sitting at a bar is as sign of potential mental health and hope. At least the person is out of the house, in a public situation, as a cry for help maybe. This does not apply to alcoholics. That is a whole nother post.
dentworth, Jul 30 2005

       If it decides it's unsuccessful, can it switch into dalek mode?
RayfordSteele, Jul 30 2005

       \\Beats the tar out of being followed by a clown with a nitrous oxide bottle.\\   

       For the category: "Best comment on a Halfbakery posting" gets my vote.
doctorremulac3, Jul 31 2005

       Thanks! <slinks back the Theater of the Absurd muttering ".. but this changes NOTHING!">
reensure, Jul 31 2005

       reensure, I was about to say "speak for yourself, now where's my confounded gas mask?" Most excellent reply.   

       Back to depression, my mother-in law suffered for years, but with help from the family and a break getting a job, she overcame it. After years at the job she was "laid off" (she is old, they wanted a young person, the scum..), but she doesn't mind a bit. She is retired, just without pension. We all help, and she is happy.   

       Sorry for the life story, btw.
moPuddin, Jul 31 2005

       [moPuddin] has posted many an anno since 2005 but has never added an idea.
normzone, Mar 30 2011


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