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Anti-Gravity Bra

No more backaches, no more fatigue, no more breast reductions!
  (+1, -8)(+1, -8)
(+1, -8)
  [vote for,

Ok, if anti-gravity is just a dream, let us approach this with NASA technology and methodology. How is simulated antigravity acheived? And why is it only there for the benefit of astronauts? This would benefet women's health, and the economy at the same time.

I can think of five ways to remove the weight of these big gazongas by countering the effects of gravity with mechanical force (not counting other people's hands). I consider only two of them practical at this time:

Push/hold them up - leverage against the earth.

Pull/lift them up - lighter than air.

Float them - immersion in liquid medium.

Throw them up - centrifical force.

Leave them behind - freefall.

Push them up: Hydrolic dolly bra that wheels along with you, holding them up, and providing a shock absorbing system to take up bouncing from uneven terrain. This would be facilitated by a fashion shift to historical European dresses with huge hoop skirts that would hide the framework. The additional materials would give the textile industry an economic infusion, and there would be more jobs created for skilled dressmakers.

Pull them up: Lighter than air suspension bra system. The boob zepelin that floats over your head. Fahionizing the zepelins would become a whole new industry in itsself, creating new jobs.

Float them: Only good if you're The Little Mermaid. I haven't worked out a way to take a pool around with me.

Certrifical force: Since lifting the breasts away from the body evenly would entail spinning me around the earth by my ankles approaching escape velocity, I do not think this method has any practical application, despite the theoretical possibility.

Freefall: I don't consider freefall bras practical, as jumping from an airplane or off a cliff feet-first (or otherwise) would have limited practical application when getting dressed and going to the mall. Besides, I can't tolerate heights.

Oolahboolah, Nov 12 2001

Develop a lighter-than-air solid http://www.halfbake...er-than-air_20solid
Pull them up. [pottedstu, Nov 12 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

Joe Is My Interactive Bra http://www.hi-d.com/issue1/jb0.html
Linked by [hippo] on Hand-Bra idea. Seems the best Oolahboolah's going to get. [pottedstu, Nov 12 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

The Mystery of Britney Spears' Breasts http://www.liquidge...britney_breasts.asp
[hippo, Jan 17 2002, last modified Oct 04 2004]

hand bra http://www.halfbake...nd_20bra#1006216748
[hippo, Jan 17 2002, last modified Oct 04 2004]

Segway Human Transporter (HT) http://www.segway.com/shop/
"Release for consumers is projected for late 2002..." [bristolz, Apr 27 2002, last modified Oct 04 2004]


       Marian: and I thought you were an old maid.
pottedstu, Nov 12 2001

       Push them up. Baked. It's called a bra. Or a wheelbarrow.   

       Pull them up. See discussion on manufacturing a lighter than air solid. Impractical. (Also an anno on the now-deleted Anti-Gravity T-Shirt.)   

       Float them. Baked. Dolphins; swimming; theories that human beings were at one stage amphibious (this would explain why humans are the only mammal with big breasts even while not lactating. Well, it explains the women at least.)   

       Certrifical force: buy a dictionary. Centrifugal force would have bad effects on the spine and vomit glands.   

       Freefall: baked, as with astronauts. Also impractical.
pottedstu, Nov 12 2001

       >Push them up. Baked. It's called a bra. Or a wheelbarrow<   

       pottedstu, if you had to carry around two-and-a-half-pounds on each side, you'd realise that bras are aesthetic, and do not provide relief from carrying weight forward of the body. Not any more than carrying your books in a back-pack weighs less than carrying them in your arms, it just distributes the weight differently. In fact, bras create more discomfort by raising the point on the 'lever' of your body which your lower back has to strain to hold erect.   

       What I would like people to think about is how it might be physically possible to relieve this misery, short of physical mutilation (breast reduction).   

       It also doesn't hurt to think about how we are managing our bodies for fashion at the expense of our health, either. It is not a new thought, it may not do much good, but until we stop conveniently ignoring it to be socially acceptable, it should be periodically reiterated.   

       >Certrifical force: buy a dictionary. Centrifugal force would have bad effects on the spine and vomit glands.<   

       Being able to point out an incorrectly spelled word does not make your opinion more valid.
Oolahboolah, Nov 12 2001

       2 1/2 pounds? good god (see weigh your head idea - forget the catagory though)
po, Nov 12 2001

       I'm thinking that the centrifugal force method, beside being bad for the spine and vomit glands, would also yield one startlingly unpleasant side-effect: A phenomenon known as 'sock-boobs.' See old National Geographics for illustration.
mazo, Nov 12 2001

       vomit glands ? oh I feel really sick!
po, Nov 12 2001

       2.5 lbs? Just throw 'em back over your shoulders. That should redistribute the weight better.
quarterbaker, Nov 12 2001

       How about if I just throw 'em back over my shoulders *AND* pose for the National Geographic? What a thought!   

       But please keep focused! The idea is to find a way to transfer the weight away from the body entirely... bosom crutches, or bosom walking sticks.   

       Better yet, bosom stilts, like the guy at the circus, but the stilts end under the bosom with a bra 'shelf' built across the top of both. There would be hand grips about waist height, and the sticks attach to the shelf to either side of hip width with smooth, ballbearing sockets.   

       The movement would be somewhat like walking with those thingies that people ski with, but with a normal walking gate, opposite arm and leg leading at each step.   

       On second thought, I just imagined what that would do to my bosoms.   

       Ok. How about wheels on the poles, and they just glide along?   

       Help me out here. There must be a way!
Oolahboolah, Nov 13 2001

       Brilliant. Stunning. I'd tell you where to lose weight, but I doubt you'd have any to spare there.
Oolahboolah, Nov 13 2001

       How about a large helium-filled balloon, positioned just above your head, with ropes/cables/lancets attached to your nipples? To avoid attracting too much attention, in the manner of obvious camouflage, the balloon can be shaped and colored like a cartoon light bulb, to give the impression that you are pondering a brilliant idea.

But you're getting dangerously close to a WIBNI, as in "WIBNI . . . my gazongas could be weightless while remaining amply cleavageable."

And don't be so hard on UnaBubba.
quarterbaker, Nov 13 2001

       yeah leave him alone
po, Nov 13 2001

       [pottedstu] Thanks for digging out that link. I'd forgotten about that.
[Oolahlahboolydoolah] You have met the traditional HalfBakery response to ideas with "anti-gravity" in their titles.
hippo, Nov 13 2001

       The negative response, at least from me, isn't for the anti-gravity or the WIBNI (although the vagueness certainly puts me off, and this site *is* for answers, not questions), it's more the crapness of all the ideas. None of this would work in the slightest. I mean, pushing one's tits around on wheeled tripods? In the hands of benfrost, this could be a funny (if misogynistic) joke. At first I was negative because I thought Ool was a man, but from a woman this is even lamer.
pottedstu, Nov 13 2001

       I like it.
Helium, Nov 13 2001

       When modern science fails you, Oolahboolah, you have to fall back on a low tech solution. I'd be happy to hold them up for you.
DrBob, Nov 13 2001

       It sounds like what you really want here is a bodice. Those don't anchor the weight on the ground, true, but they lower where it's anchored on your body, rather than raising it the way a bra does.   

       (Or, you could get yourself some helium-filled breast implants. They'd lighten the load a good bit, and they couldn't look any less realistic than some of the silicone jobs out there, could they?)
moonmoose, Nov 14 2001

       Where can I get one of these weigh-your-own-breasts thingamigs?
Perhaps you need Breast Suspenders. Clip at the back of your lower outergarment, clip at the nipple. It would certainly do wonders for your disposition. Hie thee posthaste to a charm school.
thumbwax, Nov 14 2001

       [Oolahboolah]: You *will* be berated for sloppy spelling and grammar here. Don't take it personally. Your ideas will likely be met with more respect if they're conveyed properly. Like it or not (and I do; it's one of the only online communities that cherishes proper English), that's just the way it is here.
snarfyguy, Nov 15 2001

       This whole discussion seems familiar. I deja vu that I once suggested hitching such a flopper-stopper over the shoulders to a bum-lifter, thus balancing the weight of these saggy bits though not eliminating it. And those who suggest helium implants should check the lighter-than-air-solid thread, where someone worked out the volume of helium needed to lift a given amount--helium implants large enough to do some good would, I think, require mammaries the size of hippopotamus buttocks. Unless, I suppose, you wish to remove a large proportion of the natural tissue and replace it with a gas bladder, but then you might just as well get the darned melons reduced.   

       But I sympathise, Oolaboolah, and I suggest you let DrBob provide support. He is, after all, a doctor.
Dog Ed, Nov 15 2001

       I heard a rumour that the answer to this problem was the final round in this years' scrapheap challenge   

       deja vue!!!!
po, Nov 15 2001

       Good link, pottedstu. Although I think that the bloke could do with a bit more chin fuzz...and probably the woman as well.
DrBob, Nov 15 2001

       how about a padded bra but with helium instead of gel/padding   

       a while ago on this british show about design where each week they redesigned an everyday object that was crap ( eg shopping trolleys + bins + life jackets) one time they redid the bra (but i missed it) and they did something with breathable plastic cups instead of underwire and had extended rigid support under the cups reducing height of lever point (less back pain)   

       on the 2 1/2 lb point after the knee op britney allegedly came out 2 stone heavier (probably not)
chud, Nov 16 2001

       how about a padded bra but with helium instead of gel/padding   

       a while ago on this british show about design where each week they redesigned an everyday object that was crap ( eg shopping trolleys + bins + life jackets) one time they redid the bra (but i missed it) and they did something with breathable plastic cups instead of underwire and had extended rigid support under the cups reducing height of lever point (less back pain)
chud, Nov 16 2001

       [chud]: I saw some of the program about the redesigned bra: what they did was replace the underwire with a soft plastic form that fitted around the bottom part of the breast. This meant the basic shape of the bra didn't change, but the wearer would have more support and no diggy-in wire. I believe it is now in manufacture, and I think I might have seen a reference to it somewhere on this very site, but I'm too tired to find it now.
pottedstu, Nov 17 2001

       [pottedstu] You were not mistaken. See all the 'Bioform' links from "hand bra" (linked).
hippo, Jan 17 2002

       >Push them up: Hydrolic dolly bra that wheels along with you, holding them up< I think I've finally found a use for the 'Segway HT'! [admin: URL moved to link section, above. -bristolz] I think $1000+ is a little much for lingerie, however.
Orb2069, Mar 18 2002

       I am against bras in all forms. I like my boobs to be free and if they sag let them sag.
harp1369, Apr 27 2002

       Gosh, harp, you are fortunate in being able to do so. If i go braless for more than one day, my chest hurts. I'm thinking antigrav fabric myself (so many applications! Bras, backpacks, etc et dizzium...). Breasts are heavy!
firelynx, Jan 28 2003

       Well Orb2069, I've heard of trolley dollys before, but 'Dolly' trolleys are a new one on me, - unless you've seen those supermarket trolley child seats being used to hold shoulder boulders instead of children!
LittleMissLoopy, Jan 30 2003

       Perhaps there is a solution. Picture a corset with shoulder straps. The straps would be wider than a standard bra's straps, and perhaps padded with soft gel (this is already being done). The cups would be attached to the front of the corset so that they can travel up and down. Their straps run inside the corset's straps and down the back, where they attach to slim pouches of lead pellets similar to the weights that some people attach to their ankles and wrists while jogging. The pouches fit into sleeves in the corset so they can travel up and down as well. This would provide lift, support and counterweight to the breasts and shift the weight of both the breasts and the counterweights to the hips, where it's easier to bear. I used to have a backpack that was designed to shift the load in this manner. Sadly, North Face no longer sells it. The corset would not restrict movement, bending at the waist or twisting the torso and would have an optional slimming effect.
Fester, May 24 2003

       How about a backpack-bra combination? Load it up with counter-weight stuff. I s'pose you'd have to take your bra off to get at your packed stuff. But the other campers probably wouldn't mind.
waugsqueke, May 24 2003

       Damn. I missed an opportunity to say "depending on your tata's"...
waugsqueke, May 24 2003

       The backpack-bra idea is potentially dangerous; if the tatas are really pendulous and the backpack's filled with 50 or so pounds of gear, this contraption would render the wearer unable to see... "Hey, watch where you're going, moron!" "Sorry, boobs in my face..."
Fester, May 25 2003


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