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Anti-unrequited-love drug

Pop one of these and you're over them...for now
  (+37, -11)(+37, -11)(+37, -11)
(+37, -11)
  [vote for,

If you've ever experienced unrequited love, you will know that it is not a pleasant condition. Obsession, anxiety attacks and distractedness are just some of the effects. It is impossible to reason your way out of it or get out by effort of will, and in some cases the effects can be crippling, as much so as neurochemical depression (or can, indeed, lead to depression). In fact, the phenomenon (known technically as <I>limerence</I>) is believed to be related to obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Apart from being unpleasant to the sufferer, unrequited love undoubtedly is expensive to their co-workers, employers and society in general, through lost productivity and impaired social functioning. As such, were a drug developed that alleviated limerence, as antidepressants do with organic depression, it would have many positive effects.

Given that limerence is a neurochemical phenomenon, a drug that alleviates it should be theoretically feasible. The drug could act by regulating the production of neurotransmitters, stimulating production of transmitters which alter the user's state sufficiently to alleviate the symptoms of the condition and restore normal cognitive function, or blocking receptors overstimulated as a result of limerence.

The only negative effect that immediately comes to mind is that poets and songwriters may have less material to work with. Then again, surely there are enough banal love songs out there.

acb, May 24 2001

An alternative http://www.halfbake...dea/Crush_20Patches
[angel, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

Huey Lewis and the News: I Want a New Drug http://www.crosswin...lyrics/80s/ttt.html
This is well baked in popular music; here's one memorable example from the 80s. [egnor, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

The Name of the Rose http://www.amazon.c...os/ASIN/0156001314/
In literature as well. This novel includes an amusing little scene where Adso (the narrator and sidekick character) searches through the library for a cure for limerence. [egnor, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

...or you could try one of these http://www.halfbake.../idea/heart_20guard
[mihali, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

(?) Romantic love may be similar to obsessive compulsive disorder http://204.202.137....rubinreport_83.html
Or so some scientists at the University of Pisa claim. It follows that this applies particularly to limerence. Also mentioned is a connection between the condition and serotonin. [acb, May 24 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

One example of many, for [juuitchan3] http://www.lyricsan...com/song/36402.html
Better than a ramen recipe [angel, Mar 21 2002, last modified Jan 19 2007]

"Why a broken heart hurts so much" http://msnbc.com/news/978061.asp?0cv=CB20
UCLA research report released recently says that rejection causes activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, the part of the brain that also responds to physical pain. The report doesn't say anything about unrecquition, though. [bristolz, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

science http://www.newscien...s.jsp?id=ns99994257
[mrthingy, Oct 04 2004]

SGI http://www.sgi-usa....buddhism/bofnd.html
(buddhism to get you over or with that love of yours) [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004]

LOVE SHYNESS http://www.angelfir.../toc.html#chapter17
If you unrequite out of fear for approaching potential mates, this might be your problem.. [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) http://ivy_league0...._wanderer/id45.html
If you have an overall shyness problem but you are especially afraid of intimacy, this page might help [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

the Sorrows of Young Werther - Email version http://www.the-sorr...-young-werther.com/
This is the very original email variant of the Sorrows of Young Werther (by Goethe), if you wish to be updated by the poor Werther who suffers from his unrequited love with Charlotte (Lotte). Ofcourse you could also just read the book.. [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Werther's Originals http://www.ciao.co....ets__Review_5328988
[po, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Unrequited Love Support Group http://health.group...roup/unrequitedlove
in need of a kind word, advice, info or a group to share your story and poetry with? feel free to join! :)) [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

The Love Potion and the Sword of Eros http://www.jrhaule.net/lovePotion.html
this is the process [crna_kuna, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Welfare and Institutions Code 5150 http://en.wikipedia...y_psychiatric_hold)
[Klaatu, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Atypyk: Patch to Stop Caring About Love http://www.atypyk.c...rodimages/patch.jpg
Parisian art/design house's version. [jutta, Jul 02 2006]

The researchers suggest that giving the two hormones may be a cure for non-returned romantic love. http://www.independ...ut-true-397645.html
[fridge duck, Apr 21 2008]

I thought of this, when I saw that. http://www.stumbleu...ectionhotline.com//
[blissmiss, Jul 26 2009]


       Alcohol may work to an extent, but it's a fairly crude form of medication, and does not restore clarity. It can also be said to be equally useful as an antidepressant.
acb, May 24 2001

       My idea is different from crush patches, in that crush patches release phenylethylamine, mimicking the effects of requited love and the high of the early stages of courtship (similar to the effects of chocolate, some argue), whereas anti-limerence pills would alleviate the unrequited-love state. No high, just a state of clarity. It's perhaps like the difference between nicotine and Zyban.
acb, May 24 2001

       ’T is better to have loved and lost,
Than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Tennyson: In Memoriam, xxvii
thumbwax, May 24 2001

       Yes, anyone of us is capable at any given time in putting the 'id' in 'idiot'.
thumbwax, May 24 2001

       If it isn't available as a morning-after formula then it's too late for whozis anyway.
reensure, May 24 2001

       I thought the anti-unrequited-love drug was Rohypnol.
ejs, May 25 2001

       I think waugie was threatening to call on you to beat me up (or whatever bouncers do to you when you're bad) if I hit him, not to hit anyone on my behalf.
egnor, May 25 2001

       egnor: see the link to the story about romantic love and OCD.   

       UB: The article mentions serotonin. Whether serotonin antagonists would work against limerence as they do against clinical depression, or whether a different formula would be needed, remains to be determined.
acb, May 25 2001

       <bogie>I like my shots without needles. Make it a double.</bogie>
thumbwax, May 25 2001

       This "idea" is merely an articulation and discussion of the problem, not of a solution to it.
bookworm, May 25 2001

       I've taken a few things out of actual medical necessity. After being rearended in a spectacular accident (In 1980, driving a 1974 Toyota Corolla - I had just pulled away from a Stop Sign- a 4 wheel Drive Truck (which seconds ago I glimpsed in my rearview mirror was a huge distance away) rearended me, in which I sustained head enjuries (Oh, so that explains it). The Truck speedometer locked up at 103 mph on impact. 3 witnesses confirmed he looked as if he was doing over 100 mph as well. They saw his truck flip and roll 3 times each and land over 400 measured feet away. My car - which acted as a ramp/launching pad was pushed from the impact 300 + feet into an Olive tree. Olive trees always win.
I had 'round the clock headaches for 3 solid years, without a moments peace. amongst the 8 prescribed medications I was taking at any one time were Elavil, then Triavil - both antidepressants. Not so much really for that sake, but nevertheless, I suppose it had its effect - though I was quite pissed that I wasn't going to be a sexual athlete what with side effects of these and other meds. It certainly helped me sleep, pounding head and all, and for that I am thankful.
The headaches subsided once I started taking Dolobid. I highly recommend this as a non drowsy, no side effect Painkiller. 3 of those a day replaced 3 dozen other pills a day. And it actually worked. St Johns Wort - many years later. When I was just as Rod described himself. It really helped when I took it - and I put it down. Melatonin - only took it a half dozen times, every time was a blessing. I highly recommend Melatonin. What we had in youth, and lost as we've grown, it restores.
thumbwax, May 25 2001

       I'm as much a mental patient as the next SSRI-popper, but even I have to draw the line somewhere. Heartbreak sucks, but it's important, not to mention unbeatable as a creative tool.   

       Consider where we would be without such mournful classic songs as "Lush Life", classic films like "Doctor Zhivago", and almost the entire collected works of Shakespeare, Dickinson and Chekhov.   

       What becomes of the brokenhearted? Great writing, that's what.
1percent, May 26 2001

       On the whole (and as Waugsqueke, Rods, et al can attest) I’m of the opinion that drugs are helpful. Certain ideas, however, have popped-up that aim to take the risk out of the human experience and consequently, make life boring. In these cases, I think the proposed ideas inadvertently aim to help us avoid being human.   

       For, how does one mature and live life to the full if everything is made easy (via Lust-Detecting Clothes and “dating”) and risks are avoided? Answer: can't do it...risks are part of the equation.   

       I hold that if one removes the ability to be hurt, one undermines the essence of love. For in order to love, one must, among other things, become vulnerable: vulnerable to being loved and, vulnerable to having one’s love rejected. Consequently, in order to love/ be loved one must be open to the possibility of having his/her heart broken. You can’t “play it safe”…love comes with inherent risk.   

       Again, I’m into most ideas that make things more efficient, but when it comes to emotions, you simply cannot cut corners. >>egnor: no, I do not think we should alleviate this type of suffering.<<
iuvare, May 27 2001

       It may very well be true that suffering is necessary to experience love, but the question arises whether love (of the sexual/romantic variety) is necessary for a pleasant and fulfilling life.   

       In the ancestral environment of our hunter-gatherer ancestors, where our instincts and drives evolved, life was a struggle against a hostile environment. Those who didn't reproduce bountifully and bring up their young to the point of self-sufficiency died out, thus leaving the genes of those most driven to these things. Back then, survival and reproduction were the meaning of life, and one could not imagine a contentedly celibate hunter-gatherer with any sort of remotely fulfilling life.   

       In the world we live in, things are vastly different. For one, the world is overpopulated; if everybody reproduces, their children will inherit a lower standard of living, and have to scrabble for an ever-decreasing resource pool. Secondly, ours is not so much a world of survival and reproduction but of information and culture. People usually do have sexual relationships, but most such relationships are non-reproductive and brief.   

       Then there is the factor of the media, presenting computer-enhanced pictures of beautiful people and instilling unnatural ideals of what to expect in a partner. I once saw a citation of a study showing that more people were dissatisfied with their partners these days than there had been in prior decades, because of judging them by TV standards.   

       I speculate that, if an anti-limerence drug was developed and marketed, there would be a subculture of people more than eager to throw off the chains of their courtship/mating instincts, ridding themselves of an involuntary distraction and focussing more on other pursuits. Perhaps with fewer distractions, these would become super-achievers in various fields (obviously not including poetry or songwriting, though).
acb, May 27 2001

       If I could expunge any feature from my body, it would without doubt be the reproductive drive and all associated emotions. It is the built-in torture machine we all have installed, one that is more brutal in its effect than any devised by Inquisitor or Nazi. With it, you could own the universe and still live in Hell.
dsm, May 30 2001

       The most well balanced individual I ever saw on Television, or in 'real life' for that matter, was a person by the name of Toby. Toby was a guest on a show I watched 3 times - bear in mind all 3 times I was sick - no cable TV. The show was "Sally Jesse Raphael". ack ack. If she lived to do one thing in her life, it was to interview Toby that day. Toby had no genitalia, no reproductive organs. Toby was hard to define in appearance as well. Looking no more female than male and obviously, vice versa. The studio audience was spellbound as I was, not in terms of - the genetics or the physical manifestations of it all - but rather - how Toby was absolutely impossible to get an answer which showed any confusion on his/her own part in terms of how Toby felt about his/her self. Toby would be on my short list of people to have for a dinner of my choice. Remarkable human being without the human failings.
thumbwax, May 30 2001

       bubba: A dictionary of sexology I have seen defines limerence as a state based on a delusion, obsessive infatuation with an imagined likeness of someone in the absence of significant interaction; which sounds pretty unrequited to me. I could dig up a cite if you like.
acb, May 31 2001

       On the whole, I tend to agree with iuvare on this one. It's all part of life's rich tapestry and so on. I'm not very keen on chemicals generally (apart from beer) though I can see that, when that rich tapestry starts to come unravelled you might need a support to lean on.

I've got to say though, that I'm mightily impressed by the vast pharmacological experience that you guys have managed to muster up between you. Awesome!
DrBob, May 31 2001

       Some of you say that lovesickness and heartbreak are necessary for beauty, art, maturity, etc.   

       Fools, all of you. Lovesickness is about as useful as a drug addiction, and for similar reasons.   

       1. "Lovesickness, etc. is necessary for good art." Au contraire, mon ami. One need only listen to pop music to realise that instead of love / sex / whatever helping our artists produce new, original material, it locks them into a rut. I am like, "Come ON! If I hear ONE MORE lovesick or horny song, I will personally... oh yeah, I'd just go to jail for doing that." If it was not for these desires, pop music would change SOOO fast. Or would it just become like rap (I am so great, I am so #1, I am so rich, none of you suckers can compare to me, etc.)?   

       And as for art, you could draw / paint / photograph beautiful women without "Ain't she fiiine / I wanna do her / etc." going thru your viewers' minds.   

       2. "Lovesickness is necessary for maturity." If not for lovesickness (and horniness, for that matter), we would act MORE mature as there would be less to distract us. Take a walk! Play some chess! Go visit family or friends! Get involved in politics! If not for your raging loins, would you do this... or just watch more TV?   

       Less "eros", more "philos", please.
juuitchan3, Mar 17 2002

       Pete, that's like saying, "I love ramen, so if someone could come up with a way to, I don't know, make us all solar-powered or something, it would be a bad thing as it would put all the ramen manufacturers out of business?"   

       YOU... DO... NOT... NEED... THAT... CRAP... FOR... ART!! And even if you DID need it, WHICH YOU DON'T, it would be WORTH the loss of art!   

       Oy... Let's go play shiritori or something.
juuitchan3, Mar 17 2002


       I just mean, we have TOO MANY love songs, etc. That shee-ite is PLAYED OUT.   

       Probably the MAJORITY... MAJORITY... of the lyrics are love lyrics. Come ON!   

       Heck, a good ramen recipe would make a better song than YET ANOTHER love song. And isn't song what they used to use as a mnemonic before writing was so popular?
juuitchan3, Mar 17 2002

       The problem with love songs is, I think, not in the subject matter itself but in the execution. In general, pop music just isn't that good. Pop artists sing about love like country singers sing about their dogs and their trucks. Of course it gets old! If you want to hear a decent (unrequited, no less!) love song, try something like Hector Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique.
magnificat, Mar 17 2002

       Why not sing about smoking pot, while you're at it? There are plenty of songs on THAT. But just because one can produce beautiful music about smoking pot, is that a reason to smoke pot? I think not. Same thing about love. And sex. Break it off.   

       Love is a mind drug, ne?
juuitchan3, Mar 17 2002

       What do you mean, "knee"?
juuitchan3, Mar 18 2002

       Judging from juuitchan3's previous annotations, I would hazards a guess that 'ne' is some sort of Japanese interrogative (although I thought that was 'ka').
calum, Mar 18 2002

       Unrequited love is the most pure love that exists. If you can love someone even though they don't care for you and they give you nothing, then that is true unconditional selfless love. It would simply be a tragedy to take something that beatiful away from the world.   

       By the way, putting "ne" at the end of a sentence is like saying, "isn't that right?" And "baka" means idiot. Yeah it's Japanese.
chaos, Mar 20 2002

       I agree about the love songs. You'd think that people would have had enough of them.
waugsqueke, Mar 20 2002

       I know it's been said... but sex with someone else. Or a group of someone elses. The more meaningless (and frequent) the better. :-)
spaceman_spiff, Mar 20 2002

       also songs about evil
technobadger, Mar 20 2002

       'Heck, a good ramen recipe would make a better song than YET ANOTHER love song'
Utter bollocks (see link for evidence).
angel, Mar 21 2002

       Waugsqueke: I look around and I see this isn't so.
StarChaser, Mar 21 2002

       <i>Unrequited love is the most pure love that exists. If you can love someone even though they don't care for you and they give you nothing, then that is true unconditional selfless love)</i>

Unrequieted love is also about the sickest kind of love there is, as evidenced by stalkers and other unbalanced adorants. And, when it's not "pure" and "unconditional," or of the stalker variety, it's often just pathetic.

I'm not saying that [chaos] is wrong. I'm just saying that if you start with unrequieted love, there's multiple possible results to be had. Don't glorify it based on one, possibly rare, kind of outcome.
quarterbaker, Mar 21 2002

       Bobofthefuture: How do you know you love them, and are not just fantasizing about them as a romantic partner?
Juuitchan2, Apr 12 2002

       // I was sort of hoping that it wasnt love because if it were merely addiction or obsession... //   

       The distinctions among these are very subtle, and surprisingly often, non-existent. I think love can be considered a form of chemical addiction to the endorphin rush. Sometimes.   

       Not to make light of your friend's mishap, botf, and forgive me for asking - but how does one spill an entire pot of hot coffee on one's face? I just can't picture the event.
waugsqueke, Apr 15 2002

       >Question to you Chaos, (question snipped)   

       No, I didn't read it in a book anywhere, I just made it up on the spot, so I guess it's a case of great minds thinking alike ^_^   

       But anyways, I really do think that good things can come out of unrequited love. For instance, my current significant other is someone who I was origionally in unrequited love with for about 2 years, and he eventually came to love me back and now we're together. If I had just given up on him right away because he didn't origionally return my feelings, I would really be missing out on something right now. It seems like if you're willing to just give up on someone at the first sign that they're not going to immediately return your feelings, then you must not really love them very much. It's kind of like that saying about how anything worth having you have to be willing to work for. And even if the person never does love you back, at least you know you're being true to your own heart, instead of burying your feelings, and plus you'll probably learn some good life lessons and get some good life experience out of the whole thing.
chaos, Apr 18 2002

       bris, that's too bad. Or is it? I can't tell.   

       // if you're willing to just give up on someone at the first sign that they're not going to immediately return your feelings, then you must not really love them very much. //   

       Not necessarily. It depends on the situation. If the person you love does not love you in return, but instead loves someone else, then keeping your distance is the respectful thing to do.
waugsqueke, Apr 18 2002

       Love bites. Can we make this topic go far, far away? I am so tired of seeing it jump back up to the top.... (mainly because it forces me to think...to remember...and then I can't get a damn thing done all day because I'm depressed...)
runforrestrun, Apr 18 2002

       1. The world benefits from the art and poetry inspired by unrequited love. But who reads this poetry and looks at this art? Is it of great use to those not under the impact of unrequited love? This argument reads like "Do not convert humans to solar power because then nobody will be interested in cooking food, and restaurants will go bankrupt, families will not eat dinner together and will therefore break up, etc." Or like "Do not make humans immune to booze because then they will not go to bars and will socialize less, etc."   

       2. Unrequited love is a major distraction. So is lust.
juuitchan3, Apr 26 2002

       I am suffering from unrequited love. Suffering does not make one a better person. Suffering is not noble. Suffering does not enhance my creativity, drive me to excel or foster my ability to produce great works of literature or art. Suffering compels me to drive seven hundred miles to see someone who couldn't care less about me and then drive back home and kick myself for being stupid. Suffering stinks. If they come out with an anti-unrequited love drug, I will be lining up outside the drugstore at dawn on the day of its release. Okay, so I'm a wee bit compulsive anyway. But I'd prefer to be compulsive about something good, like designing the perfect moonstone necklace or submitting my work until I finally get published. NOT driving 700 miles, etc. I'm sick of the subject. And yet, I would get up tomorrow morning, get in the car and do it again because maybe, just maybe there's something I didn't say that I'll say right this time and THEN he'll love me. Anti-unrequited love drug? You bet. Sign me up, baby.
banshee, Aug 13 2002

       What Blissmiss just said & what Una said on 4/18.
iuvare, Aug 13 2002

       I didn't actually expect a response. I plugged "unrequited" into a search engine in the wee hours out of self-disgust and was amazed to stumble across halfbakery. I decided to just let my frustrations out (while making some feeble attempt to stick to the topic <grin>). And well, here you are. Pretty remarkable bit of lagniappe. If I were a more fatalistic type, I'd say it was meant to be. (Oh, yeah; like I COULD be a more fatalistic type!)   

       I agree about the poetry and art, however grudgingly. I designed three gorgeous necklaces that don't have a damn thing to do in subject matter, form or material with my current angst-ridden misery but which have been no small success commercially. I have also written some verse that ranges from the sublime to the Godawful. Some days I am channeling Dorothy Parker; other days I am just crying in my soup. But it's all driving the creative process, whether I like it or not. So maybe I will hold off on that new drug when they bring it out.   

       Besides, maybe he really really really deep deep down inside loves me and just is too shy to say so and has been planning to call or something and I just didn't hear the phone and..... Yeah; that's it. I'll just wait until he says something......   

       Peace to all.
banshee, Aug 14 2002

       Ah, unrequited love, the one emotion that is impossible to cope with. I experienced love at first sight at age 10. Unlike Romeo and Juliet, the feeling only extended in one direction--me to her. When I was a kid, I was naive enought to think it was just a crush. Not until I was 18 was I able to understand the depth of feeling I had and have for this now-grown girl.   

       I have also suffered depression, so I feel qualified to discuss the differences between the two states. In depression, the illness tells the sufferer that everything is awful. In unrequited love, the emotion hurts, but can trick the sufferer into thinking that things will work out between him/herself and the beloved. That is how it has worked for me anyway.   

       While it's tough to find a good thing to say about depression, unrequited love can have a strange silver lining. For one, the unrequited lover aquires a new degree of empathy. Watching Jerry MacGuire revealed that to me. My unrequited love has also made me far more religous, as I have tried to understand it through a supreme being. At times, this has exacerbated the obsessive aspect of unrequited love, but nothing else has ever brought me closer to God.   

       Anyway, the state of unrequited love brings out a desperate yet patient state of wanting the other person to know and respond. I oscillate between an irrational desire to go to Chicago and declare my love to her tomorrow and the semi-comforting feeling that patience may pay the ultimate dividend: mutual love.   

       I know that mutual love is so unlikely and that I would suffer even greater heartache in what would most likely be an unsuccessful pursuit.   

       I believe that I have gained everything there is to gain from unrequited love. Never-the-less, these gains have come against immeasureable suffering. So, shoot me up ASAP please.
impropernewtonian, Sep 15 2002

       FWIW, I think you should go to Chicago.
waugsqueke, Sep 15 2002

       Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night


       Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love
Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way
po, Sep 16 2002

       I for one would not opt for a drug control method that utterly eliminated the emotion of unrequited love - although one that somewhat lessened it so I could concentrate on something else for a while might be nice. I would, however, and this is the influencing vote - miss the creative frenzies that only unrequited love can inspire me to (they surprise the hell out of me in a good way!), and the positive changes it causes me to make to the more unpleasant aspects of my personality.   

       Curiously, considering what I have just said, I do in effect control it with a drug, in this case cannabis - for some reason (lots of time thinking stoned, and lots of intense curiosity about the way various chemicals (native and foreign to our bodies) can change the perception of emotion perhaps?) I find that when smoking occasionally I can more critically analyse my feelings as self-reinforcing patterns of behaviour and neurochemistry. Incidentally, among other things it does, THC (active component of pot) inhibits the release of serotonin....   

       (NB - Just as an alternative view to a few of the anti-drug comments, I feel I should point out that pot has liberated me emotionally from depression and self-doubt, although I do notice that it has made me a bit unemotional about everyday life, it seems to limit the peaks of my emotions (+ve and -ve) to the point where they no longer drive me to lose perspective.)   

       (NB II - I tried St. John's Wort, which seemed to help with depression, but when I stopped taking it (it was beyond my budget for a while, very broke) I experienced true new depths of despair. For that reason I'll probably never touch the stuff again.)   

       For both the above statement, of course, YMMV.   

       I've gone from the point of random crushes withthe unnattainable that leave me in psychological hell (I still get random intense crushes, but brain says for example, "hey, you're never going to get [insert appropriate], so just enjoy it a bit, try and work out what you are attracted to and learn from it"), to a point where I can essentially, decide who to fall in love with (and who not to). Otherwise I'd probably be in love with my friend's girlfriend or something by now (she's nice, but I just killed those thoughts off because I could see where they were going, and now all is groovy and non-stressy).   

       Of course, I am hugely in love at the moment, with a (naturally!) perfect girl.... In this case though, I chose to embark on it, partially to get over a mistrust of women but with someone who was not going to torment me for fun and who had the necessary intellect to realise that I'm essentially harmless and not let it worry her if she ever realised, which I think she has. I don't think it bothers her really, and it doesn't interfere with our friendship, although our relationship is rather long distance and therefore mostly postal. And, I consciously try to give her space and not bother her too much.   

       However, there's always the possibility that all this behaviour is itself just another intricate part of some elaborate scheme my subconscious mind has set to get the girl in the end by being rational.... :/ ?   

       PS - FWIW, I think you should go to Chicago, but be prepared for it to be your final visit - if it doesnt work out, and for your sake not necessarily hers. Also, try and meet new people (cliche but apt advice), you might find yourself fascinated with someone else by accident - even that's a step forward as it shows that you can move on, despite the previous occasions when nobody else in the world would do. After several "there can be only (this) one!" instances, it sinks in that it can be overcome and not greatly missed. FWIW, I still love everyone I have ever loved, but as time has passed, the emotions have slowly become associated with other people, and the intense pain diminishes. If I think about the past loves, I can usually distract myself with my current one (who I keep in perspective). Like the Littlest Hobo, I just keep moving on - although one day I hope that someone will give me cause to stay....   

       Sorry about rambling and my excessive use of brackets :)
Phiil, Sep 19 2002

       Ocassional cannabis use can open your eyes to self-destructive behaviours (and often you'll find that smoking cannabis is one of them...). But mere awareness of a situation is useless without an action taken to correct it. I find if I am caught in an unsatisfying mental loop, the best way to short circuit it is a perturbation, a shock to the system.   

       A friend of mine calls getting paralytically drunk a "Control-Alt-Delete", and I think that's what I'm getting at, a life "reboot". Under controlled conditions therapists have used LSD for this in the past, but that's politically impossible and anyway too risky to mental health.   

       We all know a good cry can be traumatic but theraputic. There must be something biochemical going on there- I wonder if there is a drug that could potentiate crying?
shameless_self_reference, Sep 19 2002

       I was looking for an anti-unrequited love drug, which led me to this site, and I must say...hit the nail on the head! I knew I had OCD tendencies, but I manage to function well MOST of the time. Except this last time when I fell for some guy...ALONE...and he just wants to be FRIENDS (I've used that line myself...karma, I suppose). It's messing up my life...I can't concentrate...and I'm teaching high school in my second year and failing miserably at it b/c of the distraction. I guess it's time to give into the drug concept. I can't kick it alone. But, hey, I've written some GREAT (subjective, of course!) songs in the last 6 months!   

       I must also add that reading the posts on this site helps tremendously! I have to make light of my situation or I'll go crazy. There are truly some amazing statements...even opposing views that BOTH have important insights. Thanks BOTF, Mephista, acb, et. al...
spootiskerry, Sep 23 2002

       I don't know how astrology works into this equation, but I wrote this sonnnet a year ago about a guy I've been in (love/fatuated) with since we were 12. His b'day is 10/6/58. Then I fell for another guy this last April with the same b'day...and sadly...the same response. Go figure?   

       Cupid’s Aim Shoots Love in Vain   

       Elusive and so charming is my man I dream about and scheme about each day The years go by and still he thwarts my plan To win his heart or some small part to play   

       Shall I accept rejection and remove The point of cupid’s misplaced and stray shot That hence has poisoned me with unfair love For I love him and he loves me not   

       Short days are these I long for love not mine   

       The years fly by and still he takes no note   

       Of love’s sweet song I sing in endless time And time and time again in time I hope   

       He’ll look at me and change his ancient tune   

       To sing of love not unrequite and soon
spootiskerry, Sep 23 2002

       Yep... count me in ! I wan't this drug to get over this pain ! It's insane to keep holding on to hope... or is it? I used to think that hope was a beautiful thing, the life-line that was keeping me sane through this unrequited love but now I'm not so sure. I have a feeling it is doing me more harm than good and it's time to move on... but every time I listen to a song I think of him (he's a drummer)... how do you escape from that?   

       I guess the only thing that will save me is time or the next love... which HOPEFULLY, this time, will be reciprocal.   

       Funny but at 36 I had never been the dumpee but always the dumper... OUCH ! life has a way of making you pay for your past insensitivity and I've gained a whole new perspective on giving a minimum of love to people whom you are not in love with... just because they deserve it in the first place because THEY love you so much.. unconditionally.   

       A year has passed since he stopped returning my love... I'm a bit older, a bit wiser and more humble about the whole issue of love.   

       One last question to the Universe out there... Is it worse to love someone who hasn't, does not and will never love you back or to have loved and lost... for I believe the pain of the loss is inversely proportional to the depth of your feelings of love...
Savannah, Oct 04 2002

       A higher, and more perfect, form of love exists when it is reciprocated between partners than when it is not. So it is better to have loved and lost (there was at least a time when the love was reciprocated) than to love someone who hasn’t, does not and will never love you back. As a result, the pain is worse for those who’ve loved and lost than for those who’ve never had the love reciprocated, since the former tasted, and had been closer to, a more intense kind of love…only to have it denied.   

       The Universe is out this piece.
iuvare, Oct 04 2002

       Thanks iuvare... Nice to know I'm not alone...   

       A friend of mine who happens to be a psychologist gave me this food for tought: it is not because our love is not returned that we feel so distraught. It is because we can't let go of our illusions and expectations. Whether the person we love (or aspire to love) reciprocates or not shouldn't make us feel better or worse. Love is not greedy or selfish, love is just love...   

       But having unmet expectations is what kills you in the end. The illusions concocted by our overactive imagination and our social Hollywood-style ending conditioning to Love with a capital L is what poisons our existence. Of course, this is great in theory but in practice it's a whole different ballgame.   

       Why must we always learn the hard way?   

       Love yourself first and the rest will follow. Believe in yourself and the world will be at your feet.
Savannah, Oct 07 2002

       Things like this make me nervous.   

       I've been in unrequited love. I don't see it as a waste, or as a time I regret. I have no regrets in my life; I hardly understand the concept.   

       Why work in life to stack accomplishments upon accomplishments and to sneer at anything that makes you less efficient, or God forbid, imperfect? When did life become a resume, rather than an experience?   

       Imperfection, pain, and ambiguity of emotion are part of the human condition. If you start to argue an emotion is in and of itself unhealthy than where do you stop?   

       There are arguments against love itself, hate, indifference, anger, pleasure, rebellion, defiance, dissent -- and yet I hear no one realize how fascist and utterly eerie this idea of control is.   

       The thing to do is to be more aware of how to deal with our emotions in a functional, healthy way, but not simply to assuade them with drugs and neurosis.   

       I do not care about my efficiency. I am not a machine, I do not exist purely to function prettily as a gear in a machine, and I resent being told which emotions hinder me or help me.   

       As for limmerance, it is in common psychological practice ideally and simply as a stage in a relationship or type of relationship. (And I hate to appeal to authority, but I was told by a marriage counselor and psychotherapist who is quite likely more qualified than any of us I would assume to make this distinction.)   

       Limmerance is a chemical high to act like "nature's superglue" fading after six weeks as a stage and about 3-4 years as a condition or relationship. There are three outcomes: consummation, transformation, and starvation. Starvation and transformation are limmerance's unrequited forms and are obviously not as enjoyable --they are a normal, unpathological, involuntary condition.   

       However, limmerance can function in an open relationship as the basis for polyamorous affairs -- or in closed relationships where it is unhealthy -- and limmerance can also function in bringing two people together long enough to move to the next stage of love: attachment.   

       I read these posts and I see hardly anyone really understands what limmerance is or the implications in controlling brain chemistry and honestly this disturbs me greatly.   

       Humans seperate themselves viciously from their own humanity -- mortality, emotion, weakness, fault, and if you're religious, sin. I refuse to take a supplement to change my brain and assume for it what evolution will quietly and properly do on its own. Have faith in the systems in place, my impatient brothers and sisters! Do not underestimate the resilience of our species and minds!   

       I do not ignore nature or my nature and I am not ashamed of this or of any part of my needs and desires -- however misguided they may be. They work intricately to make the person I am and can not simply be switched "on" and "off" as I so choose.
lniemi, Nov 06 2002

       This page is great. I haven't laughed at my computer this much in a long time. Especially the part about control alt delete, that's classic. But, I do have to say that the tainted love song sucks. I always change the radio on that one. Sorry po. The sonnet is cute but missing a good twist at the end.   

       Anyways, I'd vote against this drug just because I think people are over medicated in general. Everyone is looking for a quick fix to their problems. As the Stones would say, time is on your side - yes it is. It's not the end, but the path that takes you there that is important.   

       Also, it might help to realize that you don't NEED what you DESIRE. It might sound cold hearted but you don't need love. Furthermore, the world is full of pleasures, opportunities abound, so take off your unrequited blinders and look elsewhere. There's something to be said for playing hard-to-get. Put yourself out of reach from the object of your desire.   

       If someone stops loving you the worst thing to do is criticize, complain, argue, or show jealousy. All you can do is try and redirect their energy, jujitsu style. Make your love feel good about their decision, make them laugh.   

       All that being said I'm still a hopless romantic searching for my queen. Just because I haven't written enough already I'm going to add this quote for whoever might still be reading.   

       "One of the most shocking realizations of adult life is that most of us are not fulfilling the most closely held dreams of our youth. Instead of pursuing dreams that were once integral parts of our personalities, we end up in one way or another fulfilling someone else's ideas about who and what we should be, usually at the expense of our creative urges." - Galen Rowell   

       If none of this works, there's always the oral sex alarm clock.
Catcher, Nov 08 2002

       The worst thing about unrequited love is the fact that even if they do eventually reciprocate are they worth it? If they loved someone else, do you really want them? You will never forget that they didnt love you back. You will always be wondering what it was about you that they didn't like and why things have suddenly changed. Is it because they have no one else to turn to anymore? Are you their last resort and, knowing how you feel, they are ready to exploit you? Of course I am (obviously) bitter and twisted as I have been used and made to think that there was always hope. Now I realise that there isn't and they never wanted anything more from me. But still, even though I know what a horrible person he is, I love him. If he ever turned around and decided that he loved me back could I ever trust him or respect him? Probably not. But would it matter? Probably not. There is no way out. You never stop feeling it and it doesn't get better. You just have to realise that there is no hope and as soon as you do this you can move on. Stop waiting for something to happen that probably won't. If only it were that simple. Why love someone who won't love you back? It's not worth it. Never cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you.
hoping, Nov 10 2002

       I looked up unrequieted love and learnt of the word limerence. I have had this unrequieted love for 5 years and its not letting up. I am convinced I could never love anyone else the same way. I am glad to see that it is classified as a 'condition' at least because really it is not a matter of choice. The only relief would be consumation or transformation and for the ones that aren't lucky enough maybe the drug would help. anti-requieted love drug should be available. i've read an entry someone wrote 'what about poetry, what about art it will be a poorer world' But at what cost, at what cost. It wouldn't surprise me to learn most people commit suicide because of unrequieted love.
ariadne, Nov 12 2002

       That noisy, unrequieted love could drive anyone batty.
FarmerJohn, Nov 12 2002

       Question: How specific is this compund meant to be ? Is it hightly targeted at human-human interactions, or would it also relieve the pangs of unrequited love experienced towards, for instance, a Supermarine Spitfire equipped with the Mk. XXIV Merlin engine ?   

       The problem is that if you start to supress a deeply felt longing towards a person, you may also risk inhibiting someone from engaging in "ambitious" behaviour - e.g. "I want a Ferrari - I will work very hard until I earn enough money to buy one". The lust for the Ferrari is, in a very real way, a form of unrequited love.   

       I am not sure that that would be a good thing.
8th of 7, Nov 12 2002

       "Dear Bakery"   

       True Story: I (23 years old) recently had an affair with my 44 year old boss who is in a relationship that he is unfaithful to on a regular basis. Before this train wreck began we had fostered and nurtured the most intense connection of my life to date. Never before had I met a soulmate of literature, film, art and culture. I knew his M.O. before diving straight for a head on collision but I did it anyway. Was it this intense limerence taking over my mind? Or just my head stuck up my arse?! Regardless of all his faults, I ventured into him, knowing what would happen. He was my first sexual partner...I hate to say I've lost something because I've never thought of virginity in those terms but...whatever. End Result: Of course as we all knew--he is staying with her and now Im forced to look at him all day long at work. Unrequited love--Sometimes I really do think this is the most pure form of love there is...and other times I think my brain is on a temporary vacation in LAMEVILLE!and obviously he just wanted to screw me. Either way, I dont think that sex with alot of people would be a good option. I tried the drugs and alcohol but they are only a temporary fix. I think I'll try the St. Johns Wart. Lets hope it helps this sad little creature.
NerdGirl, Dec 16 2002

       lniemi's comment has made this entire discussion worthwhile.
landruc, Dec 16 2002

       Hank Wiliams had a song titled "My Love For You Has Turned To Hate", which nicely sums up this useful sentiment. In my experience, having been on both ends of the equation of unrequited love, the best way to deal with it is by developing contempt for the object of your unreciprocated affections. But how can you achieve this effective counter-emotion? Concentrate, and think of all the snubs and outrages this person has committed against you. If it is a true unrequited relationship, there are surely some. And remember them. Over and over again. And eventually you will get rid of the whole mess, excreted like a kidney stone.
quakeroats, Jan 08 2003

       Give one to your GF then tell her to F**K off without all the usuall tears and hysterics.
CasaLoco, Jan 08 2003

       There are apparently people who think that URL can be a good/useful thing. To paraphrase Lincoln's quip on slavery, I feel a desire to see it tried on them *personally.*
dsm, Jan 08 2003

       Maybe not a drug, but I think we do need something, some kind of therapy or technique to help find a person we find appealing, UNappealing. There is a guy I find attractive and appealing, and I wish I could find him UNattractive and UNappealing, because he is currently seeing someone
LaSparkster, Jan 09 2003

       //serotonin antagonist drugs//   

       I thought I'd clarify some facts about serotonin....   

       According to Bowman and Rand, "Textbook of Pharmacology, 2nd Ed.", the chemical 2-(2-amino-ethyl)-5-hydroxy-indole is also known as 5-hydroxytryptamine, 5-HT, vasoconstrictine, vasotonin, or serotonin.   

       These names indicate serotonin's function in the body is primarily one of regulation of smooth muscle tissues. In fact the primary role of serotonin ia a blood serum vasotonic regulator.   

       It is involved in the regulation of cardiovascular system, gastrointestinal tract, genital tract, respiratory system and has been implicated in verious pathological processes. Among its least well known actions is its role in the brain.   

       Drugs that block its actions (antagonists) have been used to treat depression and these include Tri Cyclic Antidepressants.   

       However, due to the wide ranging and nonspecific role of serotonin in the body, there are considerable side-effects. For example, The British Medical Association's "Guide to Medicines and Drugs" says Clomipramine (Anfranil) commonly causes drowsines, sweating/flushing, dry mouth, blurred vision, dizziness/fainting and occasionally causes difficulty in passing urine and palpitations. There are serious risks from TCA overdose .   

       Therefore, doctors don't (or shouldn't) prescribe TCA's readily and must balance the patient's need with the unwanted effects of the drug. I doubt a doctor would ever prescribe a TCA for unrequited love unless conventional therapy was hopeless and the situation had led to clinical depression.   

       IMO the best unrequited love drug is time itself.
FloridaManatee, Jan 11 2003

       Those who think unrequited love is a good thing should try it, you say?   

       I did. Twice, the first time more serious than the second. It hurt a lot each time, but I don't wish it had never happened.   

       That first time, I kept a web journal of everything that went on in my mind. I don't recognize who I was, but I'm actually satisfied to see that I was capable of strong emotions like those. (On the downside, the girl found the web page, and threatened me until I took down everything I ever wrote about her.)   

       And I compose music. Normally, it's really hard to come up with a new theme. But when I'm feeling unrequited love, I just sit down at the piano and stuff pours out.
PurpleBob, Jan 11 2003

       Time is the answer. Contempt works too. With that combination, I am soooooo over that last guy I unrequited with (new English phrase). Then, uh, I went and did it again...well, not exactly. I know he likes me, but he likes a bunch of other girls too. I guess I'm really trying to maintain my autonomy, that's why I pick these guys. I don't want the ones I can have....hmmmmm....
spootiskerry, Jan 19 2003

       short respons
non, Jan 19 2003

       hello :)   

       Well.. I'm in love/infatuated.. which has certain pleasant effects.. and unpleasant ones as well.. but (I think??) he has another so it is (completely??) unrequited (he gave me a compliment, promised to talk to me but nothing yet).. actually I don't know if he really has feelings for me.. I will see him again next weekend and I am soooo nervous, because I want to ask him.. if he ever felt anything, if I should leave him alone, if I should be patient.. if we could just 'be friends'.. I am so scared!! He lives far away, I don't know him that very well, but he has been kind and I never felt for anyone ever what I feel for him.. this confuses me even more..   

       anyways.. I had terrible depressions etcetera.. if there would be a homeopath medicin I'd take it. St. John's didn't work :( Now I'm on PEA (chocolate) therapy but it has certain 'less pleasent' *cough* side-effects, since I need to do my homework.. :x   

       so.. anyone can give me advice in here what I should do??? I mean, there might not be a medicin, but how about advice?? some of you had the same experience and maybe know if it makes sense just not to see this person anymore, or should I break contact with all my friends I met in this period as well or should I make some schedule I need to work by, eating choco as payment for 'good deeds' ie homework? I don't know if it would work ofcourse :) any advice is welcome!
crna_kuna, Feb 22 2003

       I didn't ask!!!! :((( I was randered helpless!
crna_kuna, Mar 04 2003

       I am the queen of unrequited love.   

       After months of a major love affair, my husband found out (via our e-mails), he told his wife, and now he's "working on his marriage" and doesn't want to see or talk to me. (Of course, the fact that my husband acted like a nut and called him repeatedly may have a little to do with it.)   

       No drug seems to work. New shrink, plus Ambien at night is the best so far.   

       But my heart is empty, my life is a pale reflection of what it was.   

       Anybody have a suggestion?
grecosartre, Mar 09 2003

       // I am free of it all now, //   

       Hm, not sure about that, bobo. Tricorder detects the presence of much bitterness in those words. It ain't over 'til it don't matter no more.   

       //Anybody have a suggestion? //   

       grecosartre, what about working on your own marriage?
waugsqueke, Mar 10 2003

       Oh dear. This has turned into the halfbakery agony column. Somebody please shoot these people and put them out of my misery.
DrBob, Mar 10 2003

       What DrBob said :)
cassandra, Mar 12 2003

       //the fact that you bothered to write that demonstrates to me your annoyance//

Smart cookie! Nothing gets past you, does it?

//hows about instead of getting rid of everyone else u just do yourself in, much more 'rational' don't ya think?//

Not from my perspective, no.
DrBob, Mar 12 2003

       what a frustraton in here!! same within myself ofcourse ;o) the best you can do is to use your frustrations, the choice you have is to do it either constructively or destructively. So maybe poetry isn't the best constructive way, since there is a lot already, but maybe some idealism, career success or physical training? hmmmmm.. *thinking*   

       just told that to myself.. sorry :)))
crna_kuna, Mar 14 2003


       this has gone on for too long i suppose......   

       anyway my two cents: i'm with those who believe that one should go through unrequited love unaided. It's not so much the fact that our lives have more variety, or we gain an understanding that allows us to produce great works of art. I believe it's more to do with the experience gained from such an incident; perhaps one becomes stronger in character, and emotionally more resilient? Granted, drugs would be able to alleivate some of the pain, but one really cannot run away from reality, can one?
LoneRifle, Mar 14 2003

       Glad/sorry to have kicked off the agony column, DrBob. What else would a forum on this topic evolve into, indeed?   

       //So maybe poetry isn't the best constructive way//   

       I didn't mention that I'm a poet, which I am. But I have been unable to write about anything since the end of the affair, although I wrote profusely when it was in bloom.   

       //we gain an understanding that allows us to produce great works of art//   

       I hope so, LoneRifle. Nobody can really help us get through this morass. And the ideal drug wouldn't inhibit our creative faculties, which all of them seem to do.   

       The marriage, for those who asked, was strong and long-term before all this. But my husband, while brilliant, isn't terribly verbal. And this was as much about writing as anything else.   

       It was, after all, an e-mail love affair, which is a peculiar kind of ding an sich, don't you think?
grecosartre, Mar 14 2003

       The thing is, fundamentally, we do it to ourselves. WE make the choice of liking and obsessing over someone who doesn't want to know. WE put ourselves in situations where we know they'll be. WE think about them all the time. WE question ourselves. The other person doesn't really have anything to do with it. I realised today, as I strategically placed myself near his desk, that if he did actually love me back- I probably wouldn't want to know. No, I definitely wouldn't want to. Because the fact that he did would be enough. Maybe this is primary narcissism. That we all love ourselves and think about ourselves so much that we refuse to believe that someone wouldn't do the same. An anti unrequited-love drug would work, because we would forget about our feelings, but then what would we have to procrastinate about? I don't think I'd take it anyway, because then I might actually have to start thinking about more the important stuff in my life.
Sofia, Mar 20 2003

       Office affairs have their own push/pull. On the one hand, the limerance transfers to the work, which can be very good for your career. On the other hand, if the affair blows up in your face, you've got to deal with each other every day in the aftermath.   

       I am agreeing that requited love is much more painful. Unless the beloved loves you in exactly the same way you love them, there is always a longing that can never be fulfilled. But I will tell you that having loved, and lost, is not better than having never loved at all. Not by a long shot.
grecosartre, Mar 21 2003

       Today I've changed my mind. I want him to like me, I want him to look at me and notice me and want me as much as I want him. More than anybody else. He ignored me today, well, not really ignoring, I get a wry smile as he saunters past. But that's worse. That's so much worse because he's overlooked me. He's acknowledged that I exist, and decided that I'm not even worth the effort. I wish I'd never met him. Oh dear.
Sofia, Mar 26 2003

       Just the fact that we keep checking in back here seem to suggest that there is an allure to this confessional mode that is hard to resist. I don't blog, I don't read blogs, but something keeps drawing me back to this topic. Maybe it's the hope that someone will say, Eureka, I know what works: read Anna Karenina and call me in the morning.   

       Sofia, it could be worse. Trust me. I know. He told me he loved me six times a day and went back to his wife.
grecosartre, Mar 26 2003

       I can't believe I found this. Funny, but I find myself hoping that writing something here will make me feel better, but I know it really will not. I love this woman, I love her so much I can hardly function. The thing is, I'm already involved with someone else. Even if I wasn't, she'd be hopelessly out of my reach still. I'm her friend, I will always be her friend as long as she will have me. I'd be a better friend though if I didn't absolutley love her with every molecule of my being! I absolutely melt every time I see her at work, even at a distance. I just colapse inside. It makes little sense, as she's 24 years older than me! I can't explain it, I can't rationalize it, it just is. I'm all for this drug. My suffering is affecting my work performance, the quality of time I spend with my kids, not to mention my actual relationship with my girlfriend. This woman is all I think about, she is the most beautiful soul on this earth to me, and I will never have her. So bring on this drug! I'll pay anything, I'll donate a limb - whatever. Just give it to me!   

Deni, Mar 27 2003

       Oh man. This is getting really silly. Something has to be done.
waugsqueke, Mar 27 2003

       Do it quick...
Deni, Mar 27 2003

       Yes, but.   

       I would suggest that this topic seems to have taken on a life of its own, that brings out the absolute worst in all of us. But it's somehow palliative to the heartbroken to exchange these miserable thoughts with each other. And knowing that we're not the kind of people that ordinarily do this sort of stuff is part of it.   

       I'm sorry this isn't as witty as frozen mice, waugs, but there's something about this page that makes you check in here, isn't there? And you, too, bliss. What is it? What would you like this page to be?   

       Deni, I get it. Or I think I get it. Can you transform her into a Platonic ideal?
grecosartre, Mar 28 2003

       First off, when I die I want to come back as lniemi.   

       Secondly, I consider myself quite the authority on unrequited love. However, I have the benefit of being fulfilled in other stages of love (romantic, filial, platonic, etc.) So to me, unrequited love is just another aspect of the genre love. I wouldn't trade this for the world. Even when its painful, its so momentous, and improves my life to such a degree, I don't think I would want to function without it. However, it feels pretty cyclic. Any ideas???
somethingclever, Mar 29 2003

       You wouldn't say that if you were in that cycle.
grecosartre, Mar 29 2003

       // What would you like this page to be? //   

waugsqueke, Mar 29 2003

       Can't m-f-d it blissy. The original idea is valid(ish). But golly gee, how I yearn for acb to re-appear and edit the annos <sigh>.
DrBob, Mar 30 2003

       I know the agony postings aren't witty and ironic and so violate the basic tenet of the site.   

       But. (sigh)   

       And bliss, you said / The fact that this idea resurfaces often, and is over one and a half years old, goes to show, it is a common pitfall for many. You are but a young woman finding your path. Forgive yourself, and keep the lesson you learned heartclose forever. Signed: been there./   

       That was in December. What's different now?
grecosartre, Mar 30 2003

       How about we just put a big note somewhere, stating "this isn't the fucking agony column"? That's what I don't understand, why everyone who is drawn here feels compelled to confess their latest heartbreak. Where'd they get the impression this is a suitable place for that? It seems like they're willing to spout off at the slightest opportunity. Their friends and relatives must dread their coming over. "Oh no, he's just going to go on and on about _her_ again."
waugsqueke, Mar 30 2003

       I don't disagree, [bliss]. If it was exquisitely written, would it still be drivel?   

       Isn't that the difference between R&J and soap opera?
grecosartre, Mar 30 2003

       /This is not a site for recording your pangs of hurt/   

       /...and later throw em in your face when you least want to be reminded./   

       Quick, someone, fetch the shears, the self-activating petard has gone off. Hold on, Bliss, try not to struggle, we'll get you down. Hold still now...<chop>..there. Phew. That was close.   

       Oh, and everyone else...every day, do something for yourself and something to help at least two other people. You'll be amazed at how quickly you can forget. And yes, I've been there.
egbert, Mar 31 2003

       Hey [bliss], that's MY mother.
grecosartre, Apr 01 2003

       See Guilt-free Mom.   

       It's Mom to the 3, minus 2.   

       (I'm trying to wean myself of bitching).
grecosartre, Apr 03 2003

       Can it be that we have all outgrown our need to confess? (Or been embarrassed into shutting up?)   

       Or is all love requited these days?   

       (Except mine.)
grecosartre, Apr 11 2003

       This all made me laugh in the midst of my own sickness. Seeing myself in these confessions, I am sick and in need of this drug. Stalker? Me? I have a beautiful wife, great kids and this homely draft of sweet perfume has crippled my mind. I know it will stop as soon as she stops walking past my desk threatening to destroy. Never.
illwill, Apr 15 2003

       My apologies, 'bakers, for lurking here for months and only posting now. I'm also sorry for posting when I'm only weeks into my own, very happy marriage. I have some comments at last, and I hope you'll want to hear them.   

       One: I believe that the ultimate anti-unrequited-love drug is comprehension. Once a jilted lover understands that WE infuse the other person's presence (and absence) with the meaning it holds, the pain should begin to diminish. Should. Problem is, these castles in the air that we build and defend, these shrines to the loved and lost, are precious to us because they are ours -- not in spite of that. Thus: I think I can define the antidote, but I'm no closer to getting it than anyone else is.   

       Two: unrequited love is instructive. Crushes are instructive. The does-he/doesn't-he, will-he/won't-he, is instructive. Each of those is a little window into who we are now, and a small preview of the next thing we're going to be. But the most instructive of all is the dead certainty that the relationship we're in is dying, or already dead. That's a very different thing from a crush. A crush is a signal between two boats at sea; the dead certainty is one boat at sea, sailing with its flag upside down. I look at this page and I see some crushes, and one ship in definite distress. [grecosartre], please consider that your grief may not be not for a lost love, but for the lost opportunity of escape. Possible?   

       Three: [bobofthefuture], I think your suggestion #4 is excellent, and I plan to act on it. Watch the recent 3 for a parody of this topic -- not the thread, not its posters, just the subject of unrequited love.   

       Four: [illwill], the first, key feature of the dangerous idea -- whatever you do with it afterward -- is your decision that it's dangerous. You passed that decision some time ago. I wish you luck now, and safety.   

       Five, and finally: [grecosartre], click on my name at the end of this post. Scroll down to the email address at the bottom of my profile. Write me. I've been exactly where you are; I am happy to listen to anything you need to say.   

       Love (platonic type) to all the 'bakers.
1percent, Apr 15 2003

       yeah, we'll be alright, we have each other, we all have experienced love, we are alive, we communicate, we look for hope and answers. Of course we'll be alright, crying and laughing at the right time, that's just being ALIVE, even feeling that you are dying, yeah, that's being alive, because you experience feelings. Life is just full of life, bad things happen to everyone, let's open the eyes, look around, suffering exists, and it's a natural thing. Take drugs for fun, they won't make a reality dissappear. Help yourself by helping others, killing their suffering, sharing.   

       Oh, God, yeah, and we are soooo selfish too... i'm gonna stick that drawing of myself with my head up my ass on the wall and have a damn good laugh...just do it!   

       I love u all
We'll be alright, Apr 18 2003

       [1percent], you are probably right. Although he was my first lover as well as my last. And we read each other's minds. And.   

       I won't ossify the gang with more of that. Thanks for the offer to talk privately. I'll write as soon as I can.
grecosartre, Apr 20 2003

       Thanks, [bliss], I'm starting to when I'm alone. My husband is seriously suspicious about online correspondence. He's also totally opposed to participating in forums of any kind. (No wonder I had an affair with a writer.) I could use a few laughs.
grecosartre, Apr 21 2003

       I got here from google after typing -you guessed it unrequited love. Have been on both ends of this tube and I must say being the unloved is far more terrible than being the love-unreturner. ques: wonder if there's a yoga pose that might take care of this one. Also maybe blogging and reading others blogs is a temporary cure. Like the common cold, I doubt if one can strike at the root of the malady but perhaps one can stem the symptoms. Atleast I find blogging very therapeutic...
bummagnet, Apr 24 2003

       my experience,two people in love,love which grew out of a deep friendship. This love wasn't one way,it was reciprocated, but it is unrequited because society, family, tradition/honor, responisbilty came in between. We admited our love when it was too late and he had to have an arranged marriage. We both still love each other after 12 years of being apart. I often wish the hurt would stop, but it was all worth it in the end. Drugs are only a cop out.....which only does good for short term period.
stumped, Apr 24 2003

       get a pet...better than drugs
stumped, Apr 24 2003

       Not wrote for a while, as was shamed into realising I was being a bit of a fool!!! But I have to say there is nothing better than reading what other people are experiencing. It really makes you put your own stuff into perspective. Blog away I say!! I am no longer in unrequited love. I have emerged from my wallowing self-pitying crap and recognised the truth!! God, we don't need drugs- you need to remember that they don't know what they're missing!!! Respect to all you silly half-bakers. if we can't be good examples we'll just have to be horrible warnings xxxxxxx
Sofia, Apr 27 2003

       Firstly, wow. I have long heard of intelligent communities out there on the web, but not until google pointed me here did I ever witness one.   

       The intensity of the emotion I have been going through, well, let's just say in addition to the auspicious spring, I have just shed over 100 pounds in seven months (yes, a gastric bypass) so I am emerging and negotiating a different societal mirror all while having part of the house redone by a decent, quiet, handsome and married contractor, who I yesterday told my feelings to. And he revealed himself by his response which I could not have predicted (and did not predict because I try to have only expectations I don't know about). I don't know how to characterize his response, every word or chain of words I think of is too ...tangible....it's like greco said <<and we read each other's minds>>. Decent. Present. Kind. Unyeilding from the relationship we have built up over months of talking in the garage over a butt, long after the butts were burned down. (and i was an ex-smoker when this started! damn!) Unyeilding in that, that's what revealed him. Now, just fog for me. Thanks for being here.
suzabelle, Apr 27 2003

       Have we accumulated enough of these that this can be deleted as a list yet?
waugsqueke, Apr 27 2003

       well, jeez
suzabelle, Apr 27 2003

       what are you so embarrased about, waugsqueke, coming out with that negativism?
We'll be alright, Apr 28 2003

       See my second-to-last annotation.
waugsqueke, Apr 28 2003

       1) Welcome to the 1/2B, suzabelle. 100lb! That's nearly a whole other person you're no longer schlepping around (though I realise that may not be the best analogy to use on this particular page) - kudos.   

       2) waugsqueke has a point - while pouring one's broken heart into the halfbakery sieve, and sifting out the salvageable bits, has clearly been beneficial to quite a few annotators, it has rather eclipsed discussion of an anti-unrequited love drug - its qualities, how it might be baked, and so forth.
Is there a neurologist in the house? What bits of the brain (<soulless machine-man>yes yes, I know, love comes from the heart, etc etc</soulless machine-man>) would it need to dampen, or boost?
friendlyfire, Apr 28 2003

       Like many of you, I am currently in the throes of an unrequited crush of my own. I do feel, however, that I am on the recovery side of the slope. It has been difficult; our imaginations aggrandize the objects of our infatuations so effectively that it is almost impossible to "hit the 'Undo' button". Very apt is 1percent's description of this as "......the castles in the air that we build and defend."   

       One thing I've come to realize, through moments of objective (and admittedly harsh) self-observation, is how utterly unimpressive -- I hesitate to use the word "pathetic" -- one is being when moping around and being hung up over one person. lniemi said, "When did life become a resume, rather than an experience?" While there is an element of truth (plus another of romantic sentimentality) to this statement, it is also undeniably counterproductive to those of us desperately wishing to get on with our lives. Yes, life should be about more than compiling a resume; but it should also afford us happy moments, good cheers, and pleasant feelings. As the saying goes, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." (See, I can get sentimental, too.) And of course I realize that when one is deep in the trenches of unrequited love, it seems as though our only chance at true happiness is by being with the other person. Believe me -- I know. But I also know that if I am not careful, one day I will find myself looking back at a large chunk of my life and realize that I spent that entire period chasing, through a minefield of heartache, a phantom dream that never materialized.   

       To that end, something which I have found to be helpful is to simply tell myself, "BE A MAN". This has aided me because 1) I am a guy; 2) my mind, rightly or wrongly, has an image of a "real man" as someone who is cool, dynamic, and unflappable -- i.e., opposite of what I become whenever I mope around pining after the other person; and 3) despite whatever self-esteem issues may have predisposed me to recurrent episodes of falling in unrequited love, I do have a healthy dose of pride. And say what you will about pride, it helps as something to which to cling during times like this.   

       (By the way, have any of you read "Obsessive Love" by Susan Forward? I browsed the whole book in the store the other day, and it has some useful insights.)   

       I wish you all the best, and look forward to further discussions. In spite of recent grumblings about the appropriateness of certain annotations for this heading, I enjoy reading almost all of them. The only ones that make me (literally) flinch a bit are those by individuals whom still find themselves suffering from unrequited love over the same person after years have passed. Somehow the more encouraging ones just read better.
soul2003, Apr 30 2003

       Hello, brokenhearts, I'm one of the ones who googled over here originally to vent my hysteria over my failed magnum opus love affair, and found all sorts of extremely bright people talking about more important things.   

       I'm so sorry that those of you who haven't recently had the experience are so perturbed by those who have. But this has been an incredible way out of the Slough of Despond for me.   

       Getting dumped or ignored by somebody you love IS a fucking soap opera, [bliss]. I hate to admit it, but it's true.   

       [Suza], keep trucking. You're just discovering your new self, and there is bound to be someone who truly appreciates you.
grecosartre, Apr 30 2003

       [bliss], you're absolutely right, of course. But where should the lonelyhearts go? (Other than to the shrink, and/or the bar.)   

       Any suggestions as to a site? Everybody seems to google here.
grecosartre, May 02 2003

       okay okay, i'm a little more sane today and ready to comment on the real subject at hand; my recommended anti-unrequited love drug is online dating. what a hoot! unfortunately, its not really working....thanks for the kind words
suzabelle, May 02 2003

       Hello everyone,   

       My apologies to Waugsqueke, first of all: I've just read your second-to-last annotation and now I can see your point. I agree with you, that this shouldn't be an agony column; but I think that for some people it's a better option, to release their grief in here rather than to bore their friends, family... all the time. I have found myself feeling quite bad sometimes, after one of those "I'm miserable...blah, blah,blah, I'm unhappy, blah, blah...", and I believe that this site can offer more understanding: We all know what we are talking about, and nobody is forced to read any comment from top to bottom. Yes, I would love to see more optimistic stuff, but I still find this site very interesting. Let's wait until that promising drug comes out and see if it works. I hope it does, but who knows? Talking about that drug is like talking about life in Outer Space: we don't know if it's there... would it be good for us? would it be bad? and until we see it ... we can only speculate. Until then, I think that talking about an anti-unrequited love drug is the most boring thing, because there must be more realistic things that we can do NOW to feel well, rather than waiting for a drug to appear. I find the site great as it is, and people's comments and ideas very helpful. We can learn much more by listening to what other people have to say instead of shutting them up and going on about some utopic drug.
We'll be alright, May 03 2003

       That's all well and good, but it completely misses the point. This topic is not what this site is for. You may as well go on at length about your latest heartbreak at Slashdot.com or some NASCAR fan site. It's just as ridiculous to do it here as it would be at sites like those.
waugsqueke, May 03 2003

       Waugs, the topic would be far more interesting if an anti-unrequired love drug existed.   

       I would like to know possible alternatives to drug-taking from anyone.
We'll be alright, May 03 2003

       There doesn't seem to be anything that really works, [alright]. If this really existed, we'd all be on it, and out of here, and we'd stop violating the witty, ironic concept of the site.   

       Sleeping with somebody else seems to help.   

       Maybe sex is the drug, as the song goes?
grecosartre, May 03 2003

       To the lovelorn, lovesick, and loved up, I offer this story.   

       Once upon a time, there was a farmer. Last year, his harvest had been poor indeed, and by spring, he had only a small amount of grain left. He was faced with a choice - he could either plant the grain, or he could eat the grain.   

       If he planted the grain, the next few months would be lean times indeed, but with luck and hard work, the crop would grow better this year, and he would have plenty, both to eat and to sell at market. If he ate the grain, then he would no longer be hungry - and he was already terribly hungry - but he would have nothing to plant, and he would have to sell his farm, which would be a pity, because he loved being a farmer.   

       The farmer thought about the choice all day, and long into the night, and decided that whatever he did, he absolutely, positively and most definitely would not whine about it in the Halfbakery, but find a more appropriate and sympathetic forum for his troubles.   

       I hope this little fable helps.   

       And [waiting] - 14 year olds? To quote Day Lewis, "I don't give a tuppeny fuck about your moral conundrums", or what finds favour in the community - that's a child, dude. If X and Y have messed you up to the point where you're seriously considering Z, it's time to cross all three out of your dictionary - there are, after all, 23 other letters in the alphabet.
friendlyfire, May 15 2003

       [waits] go move back to a part of the world where we don't arrange marriages, where adults actually get to choose, where free will reigns.   

       I lost my virginity at 16, and was about as capable of making a decision as a cat. No, wait, they're much more logical than a hormone-soaked adolescent.   

       The ability to experience orgasm does not in any way empower a human being to make decisions that will forever alter their life.   

       That's a child! Walk away.
grecosartre, May 15 2003

       Yes, gimme. I have never experienced unrequited love for anyone with whom I had the remotest chance of making a relationship work. Had I followed only my unrequited-love urges, I would never have allowed myself the chance to experience the great relationship that I am in right now.   

       Plus--unrequited love in my experience has nothing to do with art, except maybe for adolescent love poetry. The world would be a mighty shallow place if the only thing driving art were this particular class of neurochemical urges. Anyone who doesn't want such a drug doesn't have to take it, but as for me unrequited love has caused nothing but grief--not to mention incredible amounts of timewasting. I vote for the drug!
fagus, Jul 21 2003

       'Take two of these and don't call me ever again...'
n-pearson, Jul 21 2003

       I'd say by far I'm the worst case in this page, I have to change my job because of a senseless unrequited (more like heavily rejected and reviled) love of mine. Make couple of late night phone calls and suddenly you are the office perp, and everybody gives you the evil eye :-) An anti-limerence drug would really help me a lot, I'll give a shot to St. John's wart though. I'm afraid to use anti-depressents, trying to think or unthink my way through the swamp. I know a bit of neurology, what ever drug you take, it has to effect other areas of the brain as well. Of course if you have full fledged symptoms of depression drugs do help I hear. bobofthefuture and soul2003 gave very good comments, thank you guys. If I encounter any different herb or method I'll post it here.
gilgamesh, Jul 24 2003

       So now we're turning into 'Stalkers Monthly' as well as an agony column. My cup runneth over.
DrBob, Jul 24 2003

       oh what the hell, I admit it. who could miss a fat little red teletubby anyway?
po, Jul 24 2003

       <hopeless fantasy world> Not a problem girls. I always perform best in front of an audience anyway. </hfw>
DrBob, Jul 24 2003

       What, in the name of all that is holey, happened here?!? Did these people think this was a support group or what? Can no one else delete the whinging?
squeak, Jul 24 2003

       What [sqeak] just said. Except I'd spell it "holy." I can't believe I just read all that.
saker, Jul 24 2003

       that was on purpose [saker]. I don't really know why. Maybe 'cos I'm not religious but do like emmental.   

       And thank you for your concurrence.   

       [Jutta], [Jutta] are you there? Please help us.
squeak, Jul 24 2003

       I guessed that, [squeak]. I like emmental too. And brie. With a bit of port, which, oddly, tastes nothing like altar wine either.
saker, Jul 24 2003

       Well, I googled into this page typing the usual words. I was trying to understand what Yeats meant when he wrote "that monstrous thing/Returned yet unrequited love". How can it be both returned and unrequited? This might lead to a distinction between limerence, whose object is the return of "love", and unrequited love, whose object is ...mmmm. You guys tell me!
erddre, Jul 26 2003

       depends really on your take on custard...
po, Jul 26 2003

       what an ineresting product idea. i happen to be suffering from a case of love right now... but no matter how she feels in return i dont think i want a pill to make it go away.
HalfwayHebrew, Jul 26 2003

       I had one of these, or have I'm not really sure. It sounds way too complicated to make a drug for, I mean sure you could call it 'anti-unrequited love drug' but It seems there are lots of different reasons it happens for different people and antideppressants/anti-ocd drugs have probably nearly the same effectiveness as any drug would.   

       These are insticts we're dealing with of course so one thing that will help is making yourself look better, since being unnattractive is why a potential mate wouldn't choose you. Make yourself feel better emotionally as well. I think I'm going to get some medication for my ocd tendencies, personally.   

       The hatred suggestion is good, but the one thing that is nauseating about it is that if this person is SO horrible...how screwballed are you to love them and how much more screwed up are you that a reject like him/her doesn't want you? Well anyway this is an island for 'us' (and shouldn't be a big deal to those not involved). Here goes. I have always had a thing for written word although never the stifled kind. I had an Internet friend as well and I think there is something to do with writing that makes it so nice. But this man is...both driven and smart and in control of himself...AND an insulting madman who-denies everything. He is the rudest person I've ever met and not walked away from (so to speak). But then he says things to make me think he likes me, which I do not believe, but hey its hard to know sometimes, right? Also he has a business offer that could make me a lot of money someday (never know) and is in an odd field of work that I am in as well-so it would be stupid for me to write/tell him off. His intelligence I love, his heart is dark however. So this is my story-he talks to me incessantly all the while.... Maintaining hatred (implied), comradery and pure boredom as his state of mind. Will I ever really know, no, but I might as well assume. But I won't because I like his company...NOT. When you have a temper like mine I guess relationships are better kept in the imaginary realm. Hope you all can relate...   

       Maybe hormone supplementation would help--this can bring on crying as a ctrl+alt+delete as someone has suggested. Bio-identical estriol has no side effects (for women).   

       And for the rest of you half baked ones:   

       I've never read so many attention seeking psuedointellectuals whining about what people post on a website. You really need to feel omnipotent and special don't you? It isn't like we are yelling in your ear, so stop crying to us! Talk about reality checks, I LIKED reading this and I don't need your nasal, out of place banter disturbing my reading. No one here has unrequited love for you so Move On. (You know who you are)
womanposting, Jul 29 2003

       How fascinating that this seems to be the most polarizing topic of all. Not politics, not sex, per se, but emotionalism.   

       We all reveal who we are whether we're discussing Italo Calvino or crying in our sleep or string theory.   

       Damn if I know why this gets everyone so nuts. But as one of the original bleeding hearts, I think that this is a very healthy outlet for otherwise excruciating pain. It's been a great adjunct to psychotherapy.   

       And, [womanposting], good looks don't necessarily help. Although the absence of good looks may be an issue, the presence of good looks doesn't necessarily swing the vote.
grecosartre, Aug 12 2003

       Countrymusicandbeerium seems to be the drug of choice for this neurosis...oh, I can't stand it any more, can't you see that I love you halfbakery.com? Halfbakery? Halvsie-poo? Don't look at me like that...honey. Once you admit that half of what you're feeling is actually anger, I'm told (by stupid fucking idiots, in fact) that you're on the road to recovery... Until then, dose frequently with maudlinium and, of course, I'm assuming you'll want castration along with your quickie lobotomy and good day!
cloudface, Aug 12 2003

       // Damn if I know why this gets everyone so nuts. //   

       Because these bloody woe-is-me stories don't belong on the halfbakery, yet people insist on wringing their hearts out here with virtually no provocation. It's pathetic. I swear I'd hate to be standing in line in front of any of these people at the grocery store. They must go on and on to anyone within earshot.
waugsqueke, Aug 13 2003

       Indeed. Some days, going postal seems like an entirely reasonable option.
DrBob, Aug 13 2003

       There is however one cure. It is total and permanent.   

       It consists of a rather large pill delivered directly into the brain by a specialized injection gun. It is not so much the chemisty of the pill as the force of its injection that cures the subject.
lawpoop, Aug 13 2003

       <adds "maudlinium" to her vocabulary>
bristolz, Sep 01 2003

       It makes one feel better to know that others have had the same experience. In my case she was a 19 year old student who was working in the same office during the summer. What made it worse was that someone else succeeded where I failed. When you find that out, you have to maintain your composure externally (you don't want to be seen as some love struck school-boy) while inside it's a case of "fucking hell".   

       When I told her how I felt on her last day, she was generally indifferent - thought it was "weird" that I should think she was absolutely wonderful - apparently we didn't know each other, had only talked a bit, gone out to lunch a couple of times (as if that was insufficient?) - so besotted, I couldn't criticise/answer back.   

       Now a month later and I'm still continually running the through my mind what I should have said to her, how I should have done things differently, how if I'd got in there earlier instead of being so casual I might have achieved something - although it probably wouldn't have made any difference.   

       Agree with soul2003 - one wants to be cool, dynamic, unflappable - but this rocks your confidence - tears you up.
aston, Oct 24 2003

       The DRUGZ.. where.. wherrrrrre???? still no drugz?!?!? noooo way :((   

       I love ya all in here, I love that dark humour, that bitter irony and that self-pity. I love it! Count me in ..again (last time I was here was in march this year when I had to ask this major sweet guy I was/am unrequiting with if he likes me a little or not, only very much later I asked directly and finally got the answer - NO - f&@^%#&*!*it!!!! really, god*!&#0(*@*!!!!! I hate this world!!!)   

       I think I am unrequiting with a guy who is actually unrequiting with someone else!! HAHAHAH But on a completely different level actually, because he does date other women, but he loves this One-and-Only still deep in his heart.. ahum.. at least for as far as I can tell from what I know about his feelings.. This made me so much aware that 'unrequiTing' is not the same as 'unreQuiting' or as 'uNrequiting' you know?? It depends on the reason why and everyone has his/her own unique story..   

       so much for one single anti-unrequiting-love-drug, sorry.. I am going to give you here the entire list of stuff I tried as anti-unrequited-love-drugz and it might help you, or not, but don't be afraid to try! you can't loose what you don't have already ;)   

       I got some advices from love-shy theory. The first advice was: talk to the one you are unrequiting with. This helps especially when you unrequite out of fear for talking to guys. I had a friend introduce me to his friend, otherwise I wouldn't even have met him. He actually came to me, because I was talking to his friend!! Then after a while I only fell more in love with him (which is a good sign in a way, it means you didn't unrequite with a complete idiot LOL) so then I actually had to make it clear to him I rreally like him, that I tried but I wasn't certain if he understood and neither did I understand what he was feeling for me. So then I had to ask what he was feeling for me, that is when I came here the first time.. and he answered NO. Well, that was a shock, but he said it veeeery nicely and even excused himself for hurting me and so on and also explained he didn't understand at all how I could feel so much since we never really talked (sounds familiar??) anyways.. Read more here if you think you might be dealing with love-shyness: http://www.angelfire.com/ab6/polepino/toc.html#chapter17 Then this stuff I tried as well (don't tell me I have just been sitting on my lazy but writing adolescent poetry! LOL): First of all to get this thing REQUITED a date, a talk, spend some time together anything! (which is the first thing everyone should try getting done IMHO) - I have obviously tried telling him my feelings and also asked him for certain wishes, like that I wanted to talk to him (though he first mentioned it btw) and I tried arranging a date but it didn't work out, sigh.. I have even become a buddhist to excert my willpower over cosmic fate (or in other words to change my karma, either to get him to love me or to make me stop being in love) Read here: http://www.sgi-usa.org/buddhism/bofnd.html And then I did a therapy group for some unresolved shit from my past which could be very much related to all of this crap, which taught me I am in a healing process and that I should be patient with myself and stop judging and blaming myself. Definetely very valuable, since I always blame myself.. Also it showed me to another theory: to set personal boundaries to him which is very good for your self-image!! and this is especially smart if you are unhappy with the way a person treats you or acts towards you. It also helped me define what it is I search for in males and in how far this guy is the right one or not (let me say, not so much for the little I know about the way he acts at the moment). Read here for more: http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm   

       that was it so far.. ofcourse, the journey continues, if I find that magical drug that heals me of this unrequiting, I will mention it in here ofcourse :)   

       GOOD LUCK to all of you!! & virtual {{}}z to all you lonely desperate ones out there!
crna_kuna, Oct 27 2003

       a yes.. did any of you read "Leiden des jungen Werthers"?? Good book, magnificently recognizable story, but very heavy if you are in deep shit, so be careful!
crna_kuna, Oct 27 2003

       I would annotate this to tell people to stop annotating it to stop it popping to the top to stop mammoth whinge-bags going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about their bleeding hearts but I don't want it to pop to the top again.....   


squeak, Oct 27 2003

       Oh what the hell.   

       [crna_kuna] For a Buddhist, you seem somewhat confused about how karma works.
squeak, Oct 27 2003

       heeeya squeak, next time just ask me nicely to explain ;o) The Nichiren Buddhism I was in (see link), its theory is that every individual can tranform his/her karma in this present life and that Buddhahood lies in each moment and in every individual. This in opposition to other forms of Buddhism who asume you should suffer in this life to be a better person in a next. Karma is seen as everything people around you say to you, about you, how they react to you, what happens to you, how you see the world around you etc (so all which people usually call fate or reality). Or in other words, the reality as you see it is a matrix *you* created inside. You create your own fate. By chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo you can develop your Buddhanature and change your karma in the here and now. I have been told by Buddhists that as soon as you start chanting people around you change how they act towards you. Hope that was enough info to chew on ;)
crna_kuna, Oct 27 2003

       [crna_kuna] Well. I stand corrected. Lazy-sod buddhism huh? That's the same mantra that Tina Turner uses by the way.   

       And what link? I see no link with your name on.
squeak, Oct 28 2003

       Tina?? hmmm.. I don't like her very much, she's a fur bitch ;P   

       You can also copy-paste I presume?? but I will add the linx just to please you ;o))
crna_kuna, Oct 28 2003

       mmmm Werther's Originals
po, Oct 28 2003

       just copy-paste thissssssss -   


       World wide's #1 Unrequited Love Support Group. To get the pressure of this list ;o) so if people get annoying in here, just send them through to Yahoo!   

       Hug!! ~Y~ zzzzzzz
crna_kuna, Oct 29 2003

       word from the wise - be careful - what you wish for!
po, Oct 29 2003

       :)) does that count for every wish?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (thinks of one very particular wish) ROTFLOL
crna_kuna, Oct 30 2003

       I went to the site and you can't imagine. No, you can imagine. This is not a place where the highly educated can find each other and exchange tales of emotional betrayal and string theory. This is a place where people who watch soap operas and paint their faces at football games converse in what passes among them for language. Thanks, [crna], I know you mean well. Maybe I'll try it again sometime.There's one guy in particular who talks incessantly and is dumber than my dog.
grecosartre, Nov 21 2003

       is this [marked–for–expiry]? just asking..
po, Nov 30 2003

       wow - gigantic fishbone for this. so generic, so pointless, and so utterly prozacian in nature. whatever you call it, "limerence" is nothing more than a mix of anxiety and depression. and the only "drug" that can truly serve as an anodyne for this "condition" is time.
screwtape, Nov 30 2003

       What if the person you are in unrequited love with is also your best friend! You wanna tell her how you really feel but you can't because you'll know she'll react badly and you'll lose her as a friend. Thus these feelings are not expressed and you'll sink into a downward spiral. Then she tells you that she met this man at a club and that they have sort of been seeing each other. To make matters even worse, this person has the same name as you! (adds to the torment) That's my situation and unrequited love may be beautiful but it can destroy a person. I would gladly take a anti unrequited love drug that would free me from this torment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ghost2, Dec 06 2003

       HIs name is Ghost2 also? What a coinky-dink!   

       I've changed my mind on this thread now too. When I see it's been anno'ed, I like to come in and see who's been love sick all over the floor. I don't have to clean it.   

       First it was exercise gym power, now this - I must be filled with the holiday spirit!
waugsqueke, Dec 06 2003

       A drug that solves the feeling of being unwanted and enables productivity to continue?   

       How about you just:   

       Sleep more,   

       Drink tea/coffee (for motivation),   

       Focus your mind on YOUR OWN future as an individual - Be excited about it. Scribble down ideas and plans - not including anything romantic / violent towards the object of your unrequited love,   

       Forget about it - a good temporary solution if you're strong willed enough...   

       If that lot fails, try smoking a little weed/pot. This, in moderation, with friends and a little beer, makes me forget or lose interest in my own problems, relax and get to know my friends better. Which can only help to build a support group, should I ever REALLY need it.   

       Maybe drugs aren't the best way to get over it, but they do help with perspective sometimes...
SpeedDemon, Dec 07 2003

       heard it on the weekend. I was looking for the perfect woman, and I found her. Unfortunately she was looking for the perfect man.
max_pants, Dec 07 2003

       The most interesting implications might not be on people suffering from unrequited love, but on those considering walking away from a relationship. The fact that they would be able to not miss the other person, not to mention the fact that the other person would be able to not miss them, would presumably result in some breakups that wouldn't have otherwise happened. But if no one's unhappy as a result, that's not necessarily such a bad thing. As long as someone remembers to perpetuate the species.   

       >> "I refuse to take a supplement to change my brain and assume for it what evolution will quietly and properly do on its own. Have faith in the systems in place, my impatient brothers and sisters! Do not underestimate the resilience of our species and minds!" <<   

       Evolutionary effects optimize our brains for reproducing our genes, not for making us happy or productive members of society. Unless your goal is to simply reproduce, I wouldn't leave your evolved brain to its own devices.   

       People seem to get hung up on the idea of drugs as some sort of unnatural thing that must be bad for us. But we subject our brains to all kinds of unnatural things all the time -- reading, writing, math, using computers, and driving cars for starters. Should we give up those things, as well, lest we upset some delicate, mythical balance of evolution?   

       >> "Anyways, I'd vote against this drug just because I think people are over medicated in general. Everyone is looking for a quick fix to their problems." <<   

       It escapes me why anyone would, in general, prefer a slow, painful process to accomplish incompletely what a quick, easy process could do completely. Assuming, of course, that solving the problem is indeed the right choice.   

       Having a painful, life-threatening injury also builds character; should we cease to use pain-killing medications and research medical treatments to speed recovery from such wounds?   

       Using a drug for a positive purpose should not be stigmatized; should we tell AIDS patients that they are "over-medicated" with all those dozens of pills they are popping?   

       >> "They work intricately to make the person I am and can not simply be switched 'on' and 'off' as I so choose." <<   

       That's a legitimate point. Taking this drug would represent a change to a core part of the human condition. Not all change is good, and not all change is bad.   

       It seems to me that being able to get over our unrequited loves more quickly will give us more time to seek and experience requited love, which are also part of being human...perhaps better parts.
beland, Dec 31 2003

       Based on work published in Nature in 2000, the Boston Globe yesterday summarized some interesting findings about memory:   

       >> In Ledoux's lab, Karim Nader and Glenn Shafe trained rats to expect that when they heard a tone they would receive an electric shock to their feet. On hearing the tone, the rats would freeze in fear. Days later, when that fear memory was already consolidated, the researchers played the tone again to reactivate the memory. Soon after, they gave the rats a drug to prevent the amygdala, the part of the brain that stores fear memories, from making the proteins apparently needed for storage. The results: The old, supposedly well-established fear memories disappeared, and the tone lost all terror for the rats. <<   

       This establishes a potential mechanism for curing unrequited love - erasing the long-term memories of the object of one's affection.
beland, Dec 31 2003

       If your last thought before pulling the trigger or leaving the ledge concerns how sorry he or she or they will feel then you are a fool. It's not unrequited love or love of any form. It's confusion, and who wants to die because they are confused?
hangingchad, Dec 31 2003

       <magic cure for everything> Take all of your clothes off. Run through a forest, naked and screaming like a banshee. Very theraputic as long as nobody picks you up on a <link> 5150. <magic cure for everything>
Klaatu, Jan 11 2004

       Did you ever notice that everyone who is for the unrequited love drug are losers and every one who is against the unrequited love drug are happily married? I think we need a drug to make people feel better about their unrequited love.
tduff, Jan 12 2004

       Did anyone see that movie equilibrium? Based on the described product.
sidi, Jan 21 2004

       Running naked through the woods does not help, except to possibly attact a new love object, if there happens to be one also running naked through the woods.   

       The obsessive nature of unrequited love is like blinders; you can be surrounded by others, and it's only the one that you see. We need a love potion.
grecosartre, Jan 21 2004

       i have to say and note the date that this is posted the 14th of feb. that this drug would be a great idea, provided that it was a voluntary thing, if you are an artist who needs the feeling to create simple answer DON'T take the drug, if the feeling is ruining you life take it.
engineer1, Feb 14 2004

       With all the recent flurry of publication on neurotransmitters, I expected a raft of postings. No lovelorn? How can that be? Spring is here, I hear.
grecosartre, Apr 20 2004

       No, no, dentworth, we're all lovelorn here and trying to get over it. Supposedly there's a lot of new research on neurotransmitters and limerence that seem to indicate that it wasn't that we were soul mates, as he said, but that it was dopamine.
grecosartre, Apr 21 2004

       I know this topic was talked to death a couple of years ago, but I stumbled across it while searching for "limerence". I don't know about the rest of you, but I would sell my every worldly possession for such a drug. I am apparently highly prone to limerence, and I have come to hate it. The high doesn't begin to compensate for the lows, and it's just a barrier to a real, solid, lasting relationship. I once went for years without limerence and felt that my life had become dull without it, and then I hit a string of limerent experiences and realized I was right -- but it had been boring in the way life for a recovering alcoholic is boring without all of the excitement of waking up in a puddle of one's own vomit in an unfamiliar place with a couple of extra tattoos.   

       The argument that limerence is natural is a non-started. So is schizophrenia. Not everything natural is good for you.
eodell, Apr 28 2004

       I would buy them in bulk! Oh, the sorrows of a teenage girl. Tear-sodden bun [+]
bookends, Jun 13 2005

       Come on...I was introducing a buddy from work to this site. I thought I would give em a tour before I let him play by himself.   

       Be warned, he is smart.
blissmiss, Apr 19 2006

       First one is free, eh, [blissmiss]? Get'em hooked by just 'looking around', then give him an account to 'try it out, just to see', and then- BLAMO- you own their soul.   

       I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do   

       So the little got more and more   

       I just keep tryin' ta get a little better   

       Said the little better than before   

       I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do   

       So the little got more and more   

       I just keep tryin' ta get a little better   

       Said the little better than before
NotTheSharpestSpoon, Apr 19 2006

       NtSS, what a nice piece of wording.   

       He's a book smarten guy, with the whole Phd thing, and a heart of gold. I always want to introduce the bakery, to my friends. Even if I must tie them down to their chair, prop priceless paper clips under their eyelids, and force them to read our gaga.   

       He reads "the onion" so I figured he qualified to be bakery worthy.   

       His name is _____, and he is brilliant, and allows me to run amok with my own humbeliest, and thoughtfulliest notions. Hence the reason I thought he would shine here.   

       And...he is pissed at his boss! Oh NO!   

       I should have told him the "MSN site of the day" was 'iworkforIdiots.com", the day I joined.   

       Ooops, I forgot to tell him who jutta is as well.
blissmiss, Apr 20 2006

       Sorry for popping this one back to the top everyone. I just finish reading this (yes- the whole thing) and it made me wonder if there were any other ideas on this site that had a similar reaction that drew a whole load of people out of the woodwork like this one did. Also, why did it just stop?   

       [blissmiss]- Can't take credit for the poem part, that was "Mr. Brownstone" by Guns'n'Roses.   

       Out of curiousity, why did you pick this idea to show him?
NotTheSharpestSpoon, Apr 20 2006

       The way i understand it, this turned into a Yahoo group as in one of the links. It's a bit of a weird one for the halfbakery, i think.
nineteenthly, Apr 20 2006

       Not a very catchy title - can't see Bryan Ferry being able to do much with it.
coprocephalous, Apr 20 2006

       c'mon what's in a name? as long as its a good idea. by the way will i need a perscription or is it otc?
The Guy On The Couch, Apr 20 2006

       It has a certain assonance to it: "anti-Unrequited lOve drUg". Also, it's trochaic. Things can be done with this title.
nineteenthly, Apr 20 2006

       The history, and because he is a lover of the written word. There are quite a few very poignant and profound comments on this thread. But the history alone makes this one of the worst ideas ever, and one of the best due to the annos. Tis why.
blissmiss, Apr 20 2006

       //what's in a name? as long as its a good idea//   

The last person who said 'what's in a name?' followed it up by... "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, would retain that dear perfection to which he owes without that title."
- Juliet, Balcony Scene.

       Oddly relevent. However, if she had bothered to ask if it were a good idea to get hitched to your worst enemies son without attempting to sort it out with the rest of the family, I bet that things may have turned out differently and it may have not been 'The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet'.   

       Maybe those two would've been able to take those pills, and thus no horrific suicides/murders. Of course, there wouldn't have been a good story/play and I wouldn't have got the main role in the school play seeing as that it didn't exist.   

       I must agree with Alfred Tennyson, and with Oscar Wilde, who once said 'who, being loved is poor?' which I take as in 'being the poorer of having it[love]'. Of course, he also said 'for each man kills the things he loves', which can be true in some respects.   

       Or even Terry Pratchett, who put the words in Coin's fathers mouth as to how humanity would be 'without love' (to which Death replies 'VERY RARE').   

       "And though she's not really ill,
There's a little, yellow pill..."
- The Rolling Stones, 'Mother's Little Helper'.
Of course the practicalities of love, especially of the unrequited sort, are few and far between (as I found last Tuesday when I got a bunch of roses sent from a guy in Scotland), so this gets a unrequited bun.
froglet, Jun 21 2006

       Love could be cured   

       Is there a cure for love sickness? Researchers at the University of Alabama and Tabriz Medical University in Iran found that melatonin and vasotocin might just do the trick.   

       Intense romantic love is associated with specific physiological, psychological and behavioural changes, including euphoria, obsessiveness, and a craving for closeness with the target.   

       Some researchers believe such love is a specific emotion, separate from physical sex drive, which works through parts of the brain associated with the reward system, and that the brain chemical dopamine is heavily involved.   

       The key is the pea-sized pineal gland, which produces melatonin. This hormone plays a key role in the circadian cycle. It has also shown anti-dopamine activities in part of the brain, while a second hormone, arginine-vasotocin, also has a key role in romantic love. The researchers suggest that giving the two hormones may be a cure for non-returned romantic love.   

       Link included in the list.
fridge duck, Apr 21 2008

       The answer seems to be as follows: when you feel limerence, rather than repressing the feelings, on which they will feed, acknowledge them and observe them. After a long time, they may fade. If not, and you have a long-term relationship in which you have settled rather than doing it for love, you may be able to console yourself with these thoughts. If something had happened between you and your LO and you had had a long term relationship, it would have faded by now to the level of your real relationship. You are missing out only on the initial heart-stopping passion of meeting someone new and exciting. It's an important part of life to feel those things, granted, but there's a price. Suppose you had had that relationship. You would have made a decision to stay with that person while your judgement was impaired by passion, and not have made a rational decision about who was really right for you. Suppose also that you still "love" that person. If so, regardless of your own self-esteem, you could have condemned them to a gradually decaying, stale relationship with someone who wasn't right for them, and that's not love.   

       Also, there's romantic love and so many other kinds of love, and they can be just as worthwhile or more so than limerence.   

       Signed a former moderator of a certain Yahoo group, only one degree of separation from a contributor to this very idea.
nineteenthly, Apr 21 2008

       A new pill for every pain, a new pain after every pill.   

       It is better to have driven to hard, and retired the lead in the ditch, than to finish the rally cleanly far outside the points.
WcW, Jul 26 2009

       Whereas i agree that you shouldn't avoid passion and simply look for an easy life, i also think you could do something more useful and fulfilling than sitting about fantasising over what might have been.
nineteenthly, Jul 26 2009

       Yeah, but I see that as the conservative approach, excessively concerned with the road behind rather than the road ahead.
WcW, Jul 27 2009

       ...or the one not taken...
blissmiss, Jul 27 2009

       The trouble is that you end up taking a different road anyway sometimes, owing to being depressed or self-destructive at a particular point in one's life, and if that's a crucial enough point you're somewhat buggered. Unless you can be philosophical about it in one way or another.
nineteenthly, Jul 27 2009

       //unless you can be philosophical about it//
Does having diary pages with "oh well...." preprinted at the top, count ?
FlyingToaster, Jul 27 2009

       Wow. [spootiskerry] came here in 2002, got a username to anno on this page, and was never heard from again.
normzone, Jul 28 2009

       Maybe it's because she bore her soul and everyone ignored her!   

       As to the idea, I would have taken this whilst at Uni.
theleopard, Jul 28 2009

       I did find my experience vis a vis this issue at Uni what i can only describe as fucking annoying, so i'm with you on that one, [theleopard].
The chances are i know who that was, but i don't specifically know, i.e. her anno suggests that she joined the Yahoo group but after that the experience is so common that she blends into the general mass of misery on there.
[FT], like that idea. Maybe a different platitude for each day, like "You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't," or "Something will turn up." Except it won't in this case.
nineteenthly, Jul 28 2009

       Spootiskerry is back. Why? That sonnet I submitted some time ago--I couldn't find it on my computer. Knew it was out here in cyberspace somewhere, and lo and behold! Here it is--half-baked.   

       The object of my affections who loved me not...may be changing his ancient tune. After 40 years of lovesickness, does persistence (or inevitability) pay off? Or is it fate? My nagging magnetism (okay, obsession) for him drew me to make contact. It's been 10 years. 20 before that. He's happy to hear from me. We are spending time together. I'm not sure what to make of it...
spootiskerry, Aug 19 2011

       //Spootiskerry is back. Why?//

Good question!
DrBob, Aug 19 2011

       Wow. Have you any idea how much water has flowed under the bridge since then, [spotiskerry]? It's like a lifetime ago in terms of what this triggered off for me, what i did as a result, the TV documentary i made about what i did, the widespread availability of that TV documentary on YouTube and then, the whole thing dying down and disappearing for me. Phew!
nineteenthly, Aug 19 2011

       Well welcome back, spootis.
blissmiss, Aug 19 2011

       [spooti] who? I don't remember him/her. goodness all the ideas must have gone pfoof in the crash.   

       I loved this idea though.
po, Aug 19 2011

       It's more a talking point to me. I like the annos more than the idea. The group - not sure now. I think it might have caused certain feelings to persist for longer than they would've done otherwise.
nineteenthly, Aug 20 2011


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