Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Bird Proof Squirrel Feeder

Woke invention to punctuate one's virtue.
  [vote for,

If you think it's OK to have a squirrel proof bird feeder but not OK to have a bird proof squirrel feeder you're clearly worse than Hitler.

Get ready to virtue signal with this great invention that'll have your neighbors cowering in fear at your incredible wokeness.

The squirrel feeder consists of a seed dispenser that it protected from pesky birds by a defensive cone of air that heavier, fur covered squirrels can easily walk through, but that lighter, feathered birds get blown away by.

Put this out in front of your house with a sign showing that you are better than everybody else because you're not a speciesist pig like they are.

Instructions include what to say when neighbors ask "Why the hell would have have a bird proof squirrel feeder?"

Response: "Oh, birds are somehow superior to squirrels? OK Adolph, enjoy your KKK meeting later."

doctorremulac3, Jun 27 2020


       Yes, those damn pooping machine chickadees go potty all over the beautiful feeder, we installed for the furry little cuties.   

       Wait...Maybe, maybe that was supposed to be for them...who knows, we got so many up you'd need a road map to figure out who's is who's.   

       (not sure about "wokeness" or your satire, but + anyway.
blissmiss, Jun 27 2020

       Explanation: A lost parakeet came to my window the other week and I tried to lure it in but it got away. So I'm searching for squirrel proof bird feeders and decided to stir up some controversy to take away from the fact that I'm becoming an old man that puts "Feed birds" on his list of things to do that day.   

       The idea that I'd be thought of as a nice guy who feeds birds would make me kind of nauseated. Since I'm taking over 8ths spot as being the top cold, hardened, emotionless smart-ass here those are big shoes to fill and starting off by feeding the pretty birdies isn't getting me off to a good start.   

       I'll need some patience as I ascend to my new roll. I hope to make 8th proud.
doctorremulac3, Jun 27 2020

       More easily achieved with weight activated food dispensing or same for a door into a covered feeding area or box.   

       No special air required.   

       Such methods also have the advantage of being entirely unpowered.
Skewed, Jun 27 2020

       Ugh! Why didn’t I think of that? Of course, duh, you just reverse the anti squirrel weight triggered rejection mechanism with a weight triggered feeding mechanism birds are too light to trigger. Damn it!   

       In my defense I started writing this post before I actually had a solution, the air thing came to mind when it was time to actually suggest something because this is more satire than anything else.
doctorremulac3, Jun 27 2020

       Ascending to your new role, are ya [doc]? Are we talking croissants or tp?   

       As for feeding the birds, tuppence a bag.   

       Have a bun [+]
whatrock, Jun 28 2020

       Proper password? "It's me, bushy, Fatso sent me".
blissmiss, Jun 28 2020

       Next up: Feeder Proof Bird Squirrel. This furry flying being can get into ANY feeder no matter who it is designed for or against.
pocmloc, Jun 28 2020

       A winged squirrel with a hammer then.
Skewed, Jun 28 2020

       //Next up: Feeder Proof Bird Squirrel.//   

       Which will lead to the squirrel proof feeder bird and the feeder squirrel proof bird.   

       I find the last one the most intriguing.   

       Did I miss any?
doctorremulac3, Jun 28 2020

       Yes, the other 20.
pocmloc, Jun 28 2020

       Personally I'm offended. Why can't we have a feeder resistant to the whole of chordata, animalia even? Using their mobility and anatomy to outcompete our unicellular comrades? No, a fine steel mesh that will let the nuts rot slowly supporting a diverse microbial utopia!
bs0u0155, Jun 30 2020

       Counterpoint: some birds are smart. I don't know much about squirrels (none of them over here) but I would strongly suspect that for any feeder that a squirrel can use, some birds will find a work-around.
neutrinos_shadow, Jun 30 2020

       // I don't know much about squirrels (none of them over here)//   

       There is a place with no squirrels? Really?
bs0u0155, Jun 30 2020

Skewed, Jul 01 2020

       //Australia //   

       Yes, but there are Drop Bears which are rather worse (allegedly).   

       // let the nuts rot slowly supporting a diverse microbial utopia //   

       Sounds like [pertinax]'s underpants ...
8th of 7, Jul 01 2020

       NO WAYYY!!!   


       I mean... oh, you again.   

       Now get back to work. We need some dark cynicism here. Place has turned into a damn Teletubbies episode with you gone.   

       Seriously dude, where the hell have you been?
doctorremulac3, Jul 01 2020

       //Sounds like [pertinax]'s underpants ...// That must be your favourite recording, which is why it's on a permanent repeat loop, and you spent the last month listening to it non-stop, instead of posting your usual rubbish here.
xenzag, Jul 01 2020

       I had hoped the mic would come out in the wash.
pertinax, Jul 01 2020

       8th was just waiting for a new month. Kind of like a clean slate, kind of. Whatever, we love you Mr. 8th, and don't ever scare us like that again.
blissmiss, Jul 01 2020

       //8th was just waiting for a new month.// I heard he was getting a conservatory put on the back of the cube and the planning permission process got out of hand.
bs0u0155, Jul 01 2020


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