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Bonsai Vampires

It seems a waste to just stake 'em
  (+14, -1)(+14, -1)
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Assuming for a second that vampires actually exist (and some (highly credulous) folks do seem to believe in this nonsense), I say we make something useful - or at least ornamental - of these bloodsucking leeches. Given a steady supply of vampires, the principle is simple:

1. Catch a vampire.
2. Plant feet firmly in traditional rectangular / oval pot filled with cement.
3. Prune back limbs, head, other appendages, to stunt vampire.
4. Wire new growth into gnarled and twisted styles.
5. Continue pruning as required.
6. Spray daily with holy water to maintain colouration.
7. No more than ten seconds of direct sunlight a day should be quite sufficient to achieve that all-important *aged* effect.
8. Your bonsai vampire should be fed every two weeks. Soak thoroughly with blood (pig's blood will do) and allow to drip dry. Alternatively, dried blood "pellets" can be obtained from your local supermarket in the form of black pudding / blood sausage.

Soon you'll have a beautiful, miniature vampire, aesthetically pleasing to the eye, and a decorative addition to any Goth home. Not only that but, like bonsai trees, the carefully cultivated vampire should last much longer in the safety of your home than it would in the wild. A whole new tradition could be started, with bonsai vampires being passed down from master to pupil, admired and revered for the art and craft that has gone into their creation.

Guy Fox, Sep 06 2001

Another Bonsai Idea http://web.archive....w.bonsaikitten.com/
However using something more vicious ... [Aristotle, Sep 06 2001, last modified Oct 05 2004]

[link]






       How...........twisted
barnzenen, Sep 06 2001
  

       It's the initial catching of the vampire that may prove tricky. Can you not grow them from seeds, like cress?
kpx, Sep 06 2001
  

       How often would you have to feed it?
st3f, Sep 06 2001
  

       No it doesn't. It assumes that the only way to kill a vampire is by a stake through the heart, or prolonged direct sunlight. Dehydrating one would make it a bit withered, but that, I think, was the general idea.
Lemon, Sep 06 2001
  

       But if you lop the head off, there go the fangs. You'd have to set up an intravenous feed (IV, IV, up the wall...)
whatsbruin, Sep 06 2001
  

       kpx: One could perhaps cultivate vampires using the traditional "Drinking the blood of the Master" method. That way we only need one wild leech and a host of willing converts. From my experience there are plenty of wannabe vamps out there who'd jump at the chance of being a creature of the night. We'd just have to keep schtum about what happens *after*.   

       St Threef: Most remiss of me to leave out the feeding regime. Now corrected.
Guy Fox, Sep 06 2001
  

       Could I get a Chia Vampire instead?
beauxeault, Dec 20 2001
  

       "vampires " is no longer PC; it is nuitritional haematologically challenged.
po, Dec 20 2001
  

       i have always found vampires to be a pain in the neck! Does that mean that bonsai vampires are anklebiters?
TJ2, Dec 21 2001
  

       Are you a fan of Buffy the vampire slayer
wkd_man, May 16 2002
  

       A decorative addition to any Goth home? It would also be nice in the waiting room of my local blood donor centre.
rrr, Nov 19 2002
  

       What happens why they try to turn into a bat? A bat's feet are smaller--couldn't they then just free themselves from the cement and writhe away (unless you left the arms/wings on: then they could fly). I think you'd need a backup method of securing them; perhap rosary chains around the waist would do.   

       I keep thinking I've seen bad Mexican vampire movies, where Dracula, in addition to being able to turn into a bat with wings with wires reaching up high--high! into the heavens, can also turn into a mist and slide under doors. But, what do I know: it's late, which used to be helpful, since this was the only time I'd see those Mexican vampire movies on tv; but these days I only hallucinate infomercials (& Cher doesn't count, despite that Goth catalog she did).
meowhous, Jan 05 2003
  
      
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