Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Botanical Body Building

for stronger limbs and trunks
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The latest growth industry from La La Ville is body horticulture! Yes, a bio-business to keep your trees and plants fit, is branching out from the West Coast. With roots in human calisthenics and weight lifting, the firm uses methods such as weighted cuffs and carbondiobics to train the little green weaklings. Also nutrition (ecological cow crap only) and massage (to smooth bark and remove knots) are important.

Not to be confused with simply hanging weights to form the branches of bonsai or fruit trees, this is serious business with a hands-on, personal trainer for each house plant. With a steady monologue of “Keep that sap moving! Come on, you can hold one more pound!” the trainer peps his chlorophyllic client to put on more fiber in the right places. The result is hurricane-proof palms that none dare kick sand on, healthier fruit trees that can hold a heavier harvest, and powerful plants that seem happy to support more flowers, longer, without drooping.

Despite a recent backlash of naysayers crying “Hoax” and tree surgeons warning of excessive training, the market for hopeful owners of couch potatoes and vegetating shrubs would seem huge.

FarmerJohn, Sep 08 2003

How does wind affect tree growth? http://www.msu.edu/...ewski%20profile.htm
Yes st3f, "Trees capable of withstanding high levels of loading will respond to modify their structure." [FarmerJohn, Oct 05 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

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       Providing that you don't break it, I would have thought that swinging on the branch of a tree will strengthen that branch. You could just shake the trunk with one of those 'oh so 1970s' vibrating belt things.
st3f, Sep 08 2003


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