Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Keep the streets and gardens tidy .....
  (+6, -4)
(+6, -4)
  [vote for,

Well, let's say you've managed to catch a malevolent moggy in the act of desecrating your herbaceous border, either by the classic swift-grab-at-the-scruff-of-the-neck method, the athletic swift-swipe-with-butterfly-net method, or the painstaking but relaible saucer-of-catfood-upturned-washing-basket-stick-and-string method.

What then ? Felix Domesticus may be languishing in your purpose purchased pussy penetentiary (a large plastic dustbin with a clip-on lid and a solitary airhole) but the problem remains. Release back into the wild will mean that the offending recidivistic cat will be back within hours, glaring at you and no doubt repeating its offence. Applying a swiftly flowing hosepipe to the air-hole, or the option of filling the bin with Zyklon-B crystals thought the conveniently-positioned chute, followed by a swift burial at midnight in an unmarked grave, is highly tempting - but the possibility exists that you may have been observed in your cat-catching by a neighbour, and are in grave peril of having your abode surrounded by a rampaging mob of demented cat-lovers, waving flaming torches and pitchforks and mumbling "Rhubarb, rhubarb".

Enter the Caterpillarbox. Each residential area will have such a box conveniently placed within walking distance - perhaps adjacent to the existing network of mail boxes. One takes the unwanted feline to the box, and posts it in through the aperture, where it falls vertically down on to the red-hot rotating knife blades and <SKKKKRRRRK> where it descends gently down a chute into a warm, dry carpeted chamber equipped with soft lighting, food, water and a selection of soft toys.

On a daily basis, a van tours round and collects the cats from the Caterpillarboxes. The driver examines them for collar tags and microchips; those cats that can be identified are returned to their owner, along with an invoice for the service - hopefully, a swingingely expensive one running into four figures. Those cats which are not identified are taken to a central facility where they are placed in a cage contaning red-hot rotating knife blades and <SKKKKRRRRK> placed in a comfortable, draught-free cage with soft lighting, food, water and a selection of amusing toys, until their owners can be traced and come and collect them.

Note: No cats were harmed in the making of this idea (but don't get the idea that I wasn't sorely tempted ....).

8th of 7, Sep 10 2002

008's idea is only misspelling of //"pussy penetentiary"// on web http://www.adultdvd...fm?InventoryID=1377
Link contains only correct spelling of "pussy penitentiary" on web [thumbwax, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]


       First class pun, but you are a bad man....
sild, Sep 10 2002

       the subtitle may as well read "another cat hating idea from 8th of 7".
kaz, Sep 10 2002

       P.S: love the catergory btw.
kaz, Sep 10 2002

       Admin: The original category was "Public: Litter" Recategorized to Home: Pet: Unwanted.   

       Personal: Boned.
StarChaser, Sep 11 2002

       <mutter under breath> "Public: Litter" seems about right to us ...... pesky cats ..... what's wrong with red-hot rotating knife blades and <SKKKKRRRRK> </mutter under breath>
8th of 7, Sep 11 2002

       Y'know, that's getting *really* old.
angel, Sep 11 2002

       On the plus side, at least owners would get their lost cats back promptly ...
8th of 7, Sep 11 2002

       Did I say Death Camps? I meant Happy Camps! </south park>
Mr Burns, Sep 11 2002

       For someone who doesn't care for cats, you are strangely fixated on them.
waugsqueke, Sep 11 2002

       Waugs: You could describe it as a love-hate relationship ..... we love to hate them.   

       General comment: Please note that in response to peer pressure (and repeated flamings) we are attempting to introduce a greater element of non-lethality into our pest (cat) control ideas.   

       We thank you.
8th of 7, Sep 12 2002

polartomato, Sep 13 2002

       blades, splat, he he. maybe a similar idea could be uses for those dogs who bark all night long, bark bark, gird chop, splat
kraldarklord, Mar 11 2003

       If you hate cats so much, have you ever tried just scaring them away (as opposed to removing their skin/beheading/burning them)?   

       When the neighbours cat made my yard its playground (and started attacking my beloved Fudge), I took out a radio-controlled car and whizzed it around every time she got in. now i leave the car in the middle of the yard, and that damn pest won't come near. meanwhile, my own cat has lost her fear of leaving the house, and now goes to the toilet outside as opposed to in my hallway. bonus.
sambwiches, Mar 11 2003

       Croissanted. – My story is too long (not anti cat though) - well...with one exception...
Shz, Mar 12 2003

       [sambwiches] We've tried the radio controlled mini tank thing, silver foil windmills, cat pepper, gel, water guns, lion dung, and we have a dog. But the problem seems to be that the garden is positioned on some sort of feline ley line and lots of cats use it as a transit route from one area of housing to another - it's an accident of geography we suppose. Too many cats, too little time, far too many piles of poo.
8th of 7, Mar 12 2003

       i thought it was kinda funny
joshkouri, Mar 12 2003

       It seems like the cats in your area have become too bold, 8th. I withdraw my complaint.
sambwiches, Mar 12 2003

       The damn things act like they own the place.
8th of 7, Mar 12 2003

       well..... when idling round, cats actually look as if they want to be kicked, esp. if they stare at you... perhaps you could add kicking cats as a pastime.... Of course, there's the problem of cat lovers developing hostilities towards you.....   

       [mind you, i like cats... they don't need attention and can pretty much look after themselves, making them the ideal pet when you don't want them around too often... then there's the part about kicking them...]
LoneRifle, Mar 14 2003

       We don't mind them transiting through the area. We don't mind them wandering around. We don't even mind them sunbathing under the hedge. We DO mind when they dig holes in the garden to crap in.
8th of 7, Mar 14 2003

       Show the cats the link
thumbwax, Mar 14 2003

       Not quite what we had in mind, [thumb]. But thankyou for drawing our attention to that particular recording. ....
8th of 7, Mar 14 2003

       ....... mechanised cat sniper using tranquiliser darts? anti-cat mines shooting cluster tranquiliser munitions? how about a industrial strength vacuum which takes them through your area the moment they set foot on it, denying them the chance to mark territory? (As far as the cats are concerned, your area becomes international freespace/twilight zone)
LoneRifle, Mar 14 2003


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