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Choir autotuner

Device to keep a choir in tune
  [vote for,

Many amateur choirs have difficulty keeping their tuning when singing unaccompanied. I propose to solve this with the following setup:

Each choir member stands on a separate hydraulic pedestal, capable of raising or lowering the singer. Each pedestal has a microphone connected to a DSP that determines if the singer is in tune or not.

If the singer is flat, the pedestal raises the singer; if sharp, it lowers the singer.

Here's the clever bit: the device also pumps helium and xenon into the room, and uses fans to maintain a gradient of xenon/air/helium with altitude.

Then, as a singer is raised or lowered, the helium or xenon mix changes the pitch of their voice.

Of course, the disadvantage of the system is that long-term mistuning results in death through asphyxiation: unnatural selection, if you like.

Also, the audience might find the sight of 100 singers all moving up and down individually, and some collapsing from brain anoxia a little offputting.

In my experience, most choirs wouldn't need much xenon...

marktranchant, Jul 11 2003


       Or individual members could be swiftly moved towards/away from the audience, using the Doppler Effect to keep them in tune.
FarmerJohn, Jul 11 2003

       I was hoping this would involve throttling the tenor, but oh well...
DrCurry, Jul 11 2003

       I *love* [FarmerJohn]'s idea! Watching the singers go up and down would also be amusing :) +
phundug, Jul 11 2003

       Jumpin' Jack Flash it's a gas gas gas ...
dweeb, Jul 11 2003

       If you'd ever sung in a choir, you'd know that no-one sings every note perfectly. And you're usually required to sing more than one note in a song. And for glissandos you're going to be sharp/intune/flat depending on whether you're sliding the notes up or down.   

       So, everyone's pedestals are going to be bouncing about so much (in turn affecting the singer's pitch, distance from mike etc.) that the entire choir will be caught off-balance, fall off their pedestals, most likely into their neighbo(u)rs, creating a domino effect that leaves everyone lying in a gasping heap and signalling the end of the concert.   

       What an absurd idea. I love it. +
saker, Jul 11 2003

       One could also move them back and forth to modulate volume. As a crescendo approaches, so do the choir.
oneoffdave, Jul 11 2003

       Well done, and welcome to the bakery. (WTAGIPBAN)
krelnik, Jul 11 2003

       I'm not keen on the xenon/helium bit. Knowing that you're no longer level with those around you should be enough to make you change your pitch. The dynamic pedestals is enough to get my croissant anyhow.   

       The FarmerJohn enhancement would just catapult bad singers out the of choir rather quickly... or maybe that's the point.
st3f, Jul 14 2003

       Just be sure to turn it off for country music concerts.   

       Doh, st3f beat me to the secondary catapult feature by a mouseclick.
RayfordSteele, Jul 14 2003

       John Cage would have approved. +
k_sra, Jul 14 2003

       saker - I do sing in a choir. The intention is that the control system knows what music is being sung, and follows it to determine what notes should be sung by whom when.   

       Glisses are pretty rare in choral music, and the control system could allow for this. Alternatively, the choir could sing a steady note and allow the pedestals to effect the gliss by moving *everyone* up or down simultaneously...
marktranchant, Jul 28 2003


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