Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Clothing Instructions

Detailed Guide For Clothing Features
  [vote for,

I own clothes, many do. Largely, they are simple to operate. Often, even the uninitiated can figure out a pair of gloves or some charming well-tailored spats. However, I have recently come into the possession of a rather complex new coat. It's made, largely, of synthetic materials (initially I was very much against this, although I'm assured they are necessary for my impeding weekend of "winter sports" whatever that is). It also has many, at first glance, superfluous holes, fasteners and flaps. One of these, as it turns out, allows the cord from a personal music player to penetrate the depths of an interior pocket. Now, I worked this out from a small label next to the hole: a vulgar but informative iconic portrayal of a music player.

Unfortunately, this was the only labeled component. There is a loop on the collar section.... with no complementary duffle fastener, I have no idea about that. There is a very complex arrangement around the waist, with many adjustable, elasticated and multi-position characteristics... I can only assume this is intended for use by the emergency services, or possibly some terrible consequence of mass production. On another recent item, a rucksack (again, initial skepticism, but good enough for Mallory and Irvine, good enough for me) I have found many loops/holes and dangly bits. One, is for an "Ice Axe". I assume, since we are to be "roughing it a bit', that this is a crude-yet-serviceable way of obtaining the necessary gin-coolant. Now, I have consulted the accompanying literature of these items. Their focus seems to be upon how many bright colours they can fit onto a 3x4" space, and how good they think these new synthetic materials are. I find it telling that manufacturers of high-quality tweed do not feel so compelled. Crucially, the flaps, holes, fasteners and dangly bits are not explained.

I am clearly not alone in my confusion with regard to garments, the other day, I saw a chap wearing a blazer. This was not equipped with the necessary pocket square. Clearly, the chap had either been robbed, or worse, was poorly informed on the subject of blazers... a modern epidemic, I believe. The man needed instructions.

Clothing needs clear concise instructions. There, I've said it.

bs0u0155, Dec 06 2013

Obligatory Farside cartoon. http://akchrish23.f...then-your-shoes.jpg
[spidermother, Dec 08 2013]


       Perhaps what you actually have is a disguised strait- jacket, such that you are not supposed to know how it is to be used?
Vernon, Dec 06 2013

       No, they're usually pleasantly constructed from canvas and leather.
bs0u0155, Dec 06 2013

       // The man needed instructions //   

       The man needed to employ a properly trained valet, as his current one is clearly not up to the job.   

       He could probably do worse than investigate the peripery of the marsh to the north-east of M'lord Buchanan's estate, where many of the unsuccessful candidates discharged from the admittedly rigorous staff training programme end up; since their discharge is both administrative and literal - by means of the Fifth Earl's trebuchet - a soft landing in swampy ground is the best they can hope for.   

       It's better than being fired, though; Sturton's efforts to improve on the black powder used in the special bombard retained on the battlements for this specific ceremonial purpose have resulted in more than the usual occurences of the so-called "pink mist" for which the region is notorious, and may also account for the fact that the severance payment cheques are never presented for payment.
8th of 7, Dec 06 2013

       This may be true, but it's not a chap's place to employ or de-employ valets. A quiet word with the head butler should be all that's necessary, clearly communication is breaking down. I'm attempting to put the right information near the appropriate people here. We already live in a world where a junior scientist such as myself, is not provided with three technicians a typist and a handyman as would formerly be assumed the minimal complement.
bs0u0155, Dec 06 2013

       This idea is inaccurately titled*. Clothing is self- explanatory. Variously-sized tubes are connected in a handful of obvious configurations and, violin, the body is clothed. Any garment that requires longer to explain than it does to don isn't mere clothing, it's adornment.   

       * in my opinion
Alterother, Dec 06 2013

       It's not the donning that is the issue, [alt], it is the correct donning.
pocmloc, Dec 06 2013

       //specific ceremonial purpose have resulted in more than the usual occurences of the so-called "pink mist" for which the region is notorious, and may also account for the fact that the severance payment cheques are never presented for payment.//   

       I heard that severance payment cheques were always distributed among discharged employees, sometimes with enviable homogeneity.
bs0u0155, Dec 06 2013

       What you have heard is indeed exactly correct.
8th of 7, Dec 06 2013

       Google "paragraph breaks".
normzone, Dec 07 2013

       "Not to be used internally, for external use only" should cover most issues.
not_morrison_rm, Dec 08 2013

       The tone of your post suggests you think some aspects of your new garment might be superfluous. I recommend that you acquire an assortment of small rubber monsters and dinosaurs in colors to complement your new garment and hang one off of each of the aforementioned flaps, holes, fasteners and dangly bits. If Mallory questions the purpose of these new passengers, you can tell her that you read on the web that new garments such as yours (and hers) had attachments for rubber monsters, which as of this second is true. Then reach into the interior Spare Monster Pockets (you will find it on the left, far back) and offer her a few for her own garment.
bungston, Dec 08 2013

       I'm pretty sure that standard topological notation can handle underpants, at least, and these are formally identical to trousers. Likewise, T-shirts and sweatshirts should all be equivalent, as should hats and socks.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 08 2013


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