Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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De Bergerac on De Mand

For the romantically challenged.
  [vote for,

Boy meets girl.
Boy talks to girl.
Boy wishes he knew what to say.

Its a common problem. With a myriad of solutions. Generally involving much mumbling and awkwardness.

Inspired by the famous undergrowth loving bignose of Edmond Rostand's (1868-1918) play, I propose a service whereby romantically eloquent experts put words in the mouths of the less-than-silver-tongued.

There shall be two approaches taken. Firstly, for actual 'dates' the customer (herein known as LUF - Loved-Up Fool) will wear a camera & mic setup so that proceedings maybe be monitored by the RT (Romance Team - consisting a lothario, a knight in shining armour, a princess and an independently successful woman) who will be sitting on site, incognito, in a pizza delivery truck. Reports or suggestions of 'next move' shall be relayed back to the LUF via a tiny radio earpiece. Secondly, phone calls will be made at regular intervals for non-immediate information and services required outwith a 'date'.

Advice given will vary upon the needs (inadequacies) of the LUF:

i) Actual speech: "I hold you, as your eyes hold mine - never wanting to let go."

ii) Suggested 'avenues of conversation': "Stop talking about your last girlfriend, this girl will want to know why she dumped you!" or "Burberry handbags are on the way out: discuss"

iii) Make pertinent facts available: "Show works on Tuesdays", "Her mum is ill with flu at the moment", "Don't 'mess up'! - Her dad is a world champion Tai Kwon Do master"

iv) Suggested venues and gifts:" 'Top-Nosh' restaurant, order the 82' Sauvignon-Blanc, avoid the lobster" and "She doesn't like milk chocolate but is a sucker for dark truffles"

v) Suggested actions:"Hold the door open" or "Kiss her! Kiss her NOW!!"

The service will operate on a moral and chivalrous policy - Any unsanctioned lewd, chauvinistic or taking-lady-for-granted action may incur financial penalties for the LUF and invalidation of contract.

(Ironically, I make no apologies for using male oriented grammar. This is an equal opportunites service but I estimate that the LUF base will be male.)

Jinbish, Jan 06 2003

Sounds like a subsidiary of this company... http://www.halfbake...20Personal_20CapCom
[krelnik, Oct 05 2004]

Bergerac http://news.bbc.co....43_bergerac_150.jpg
No man is an island, unless his name is Jim Bergerac. [my face your, Oct 05 2004]


       That's what I shout at the TV during some movies, "Go on, tell her you love her," or, "Kiss her, Jerk!" +
FarmerJohn, Jan 06 2003

       Hmmm... the effects of looking distracted and tapping your right ear while she's explaining the finer points of her mate Sally's theory on Derek-at-the-office and...
"You're not listening to a word I say, are you?"
"Sorry, I've lost contact with the guides a second...Check, please"
egbert, Jan 06 2003

       Good idea but yes, what TwoSheds said. Except that it's only baked if it's in real life (remember what that is?). If it's in fiction, then it's half-baked.
DrBob, Jan 06 2003

       Its not really half baked - I haven't seen that episode of 'Coupling' (which was only a warm up for when 'The Office' or 'Alan Partridge' came on anyway) - but this involves a RT and not just a mobile phone but a whole comprehensive service.   

       [krelnik]: not a subsidiary, but a competitive niche market player with expertise in relationships - no NASA geeks in our team...they are more likely clients.
Jinbish, Jan 06 2003

       Aw, [Rayf], that's sweet.
PeterSilly, Jan 06 2003

       I thought it was baked if it happened in real life, WTCTTIS if it happened in fiction, and WIBNI if not even fiction would look at it.
egbert, Jan 08 2003

       This will only work if the person being instructed is a good enough actor that they can listen to advice without showing it - which many of the target market won't be.   

       Having said that, they'll be a lot better at it when they're used to it. So have the team follow you around for a day or two beforehand, getting used to their voices - and also they way they think, so you know which one to ignore.   

       In fact, you probably need them most on first contact. So have the team follow you day and night, offering advice whenever needed. If no romantic targets were nearby, they could help out with everyday life.   

       "That's not toothpaste John, it's boot polish."
"Wait for the next train, it'll be less busy."
"Complement your boss on the deal last week."
sadie, Jan 09 2003

       I spy a problem.   

       Most men are appalingly poor at multi-tasking. While walking and chewing gum at the same time can eventually be mastererd by up to 75% of US Presidents, there are still many men out there who can't listen to their date talk, think, and listen to the coach on the radio at the same time and THESE ARE EXACTLY THE SORTS OF PEOPLE MOST IN NEED OF THE SERVICE.   

       ER (AR) specs or text messaging would probably be better than an additional audio feed.   

       [sadie] "George ...... George ........ GEORGE !.................... don't do that."
8th of 7, Jan 09 2003

       i didn't read this novel. i just wanted to say that you have a lot of time on your hands and maybe you should look for new hobbies besides writing a bunch of horseshit on halfbaked. like picking up chicks perhaps...
disarray, Jan 14 2003

       Ooh touchy! Someone doth protest too much methinks.   

       Alot of time on my hands? - no way... I'm too busy lookin good.
Jinbish, Jan 14 2003

       I know this conversation has been over for a while, but I so need this.
Goceph, Mar 03 2004


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