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Dolphin Self-Defense Classes

It's about damn time!
 
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I recently found out that I was mistaken in my understanding that it's illegal to hunt dolphins in all countries, when I read a Telegraph news article about a conservationist trying to stop an annual dolphin hunt in Japan. Well dammit, that pisses me off! Those creatures should be off- limits to everyone, no exceptions. Realizing full well the futility of that argument, I've come up with a more insidious scheme to protect them: by teaching them to protect themselves.

Think about it. Dolphins are intelligent enough to be taught many things, and can accomplish even complex tasks. So it only stands to reason that they can be taught to identify which humans wish to cause them harm, and which boats are outfitted for hunting them. They could be taught to find the weak points in the hulls of these vessels and bring them down, and to herd schools of fish into the propellers to leave the boats dead in the water while they do it. They can be taught to avoid the traps and weapons used by hunters, and to fight back. They deserve a fighting chance, and it's time they got it.

21 Quest, Sep 06 2009

War Dolphins http://animals.hows...-mine.htm/printable
[zen_tom, Sep 07 2009]

Fascinating. http://wtf.thebizza...l-military-animals/
Kittens...whoda thunk it? [2 fries shy of a happy meal, Sep 07 2009]

Nisshin Maru http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nisshin_Maru
Roughly translated as "The Scum of the Sea" [xenzag, Sep 08 2009]

[link]






       Problems:
  

       First of all, I think having dolphins attack hostile humans is a great way to get them killed.
  

       Also, dolphin hunters could just start disguising their boats as Greenpeace boats in order to fool the trusting cetaceans.
  

       Dolphins might start bringing down legal fishing boats and attacking innocent fishermen.
  

       Unless the "hundredth-monkey effect" is true, you'll have a hard time training a significant amount of dolphins in self- defense.
  

       In that line, it would be prohibitively expensive to train so many dolphins in such a specific discipline. If you pen the dolphins during the training period, they may have trouble readjusting once you release them back into the wild.
  

       But I like dolphins too, so I'll stay [neutral] on this one.
DrWorm, Sep 06 2009
  

       It's a vile action, like whaling, and the Japanese are shamed by it.
  

       The best thing would be to put a bounty on those hunting them, which could be collected on sinking their boats of death and drowning their disgusting crews. The Nisshin Maru would be first to go. I'm sure those Somalian pirates could make short work of them given the right incentive.
xenzag, Sep 06 2009
  

       According to what I've found on Google, dolphin hunting is only legal in a few places, specifically, Japan, Solomon Islands, and the Faroe Islands. It happens illegally in other places, such as Peru, but the fact is they are already protected by law in most places, and the few nations that do allow the practice aren't really big enough to pose much more of a threat to the species than they already do. Even Japan appears to only support the practice in one city, Taiji. I think that if the dolphins started defending themselves they'd attract a lot of international assistance, and the likelihood of the practice being banned in such places would increase, due to the increased safety hazard. It may sound hippyish and non sequitur, but it would be similar to arming and training developing 3rd World nations to defend themselves against bullying neighbor states. In my opinion, the dolphins are more worthy of such aid than many human nations that receive such assistance.
  

       And Xen, I love the idea of giving the hungry Somalians some gainful employment in their field of expertise. They seem to be honorable enough, anyways. They've shown that they can be trusted to uphold their end of the bargain and release their cargo and hostages unharmed when the ransoms are paid, at least for the most part.
21 Quest, Sep 06 2009
  

       There's a sci-fi short story in which a guy teaches forest animals to avoid traps, move and reset traps, attack hunters, etc (over multiple generations, selective breeding and stuff). I forget the author and title.
neutrinos_shadow, Sep 06 2009
  

       If you can find it, it sounds like an interesting read. In reality, however, not many animals possess the intelligence and memory to learn such concepts. Wolves, perhaps...
21 Quest, Sep 06 2009
  

       As far as I know, dogs and pigs are not protected in most places, Bigs. They also don't have dangerously high mercury levels that consumers need to worry about. It's the fact that the world has agreed to protect these creatures, and there are a few stubborn jackasses who insist on killing them.
21 Quest, Sep 07 2009
  

       Interesting concept, and not as far out as one might think at first glimmer. I like the intent as well.
blissmiss, Sep 07 2009
  

       I like dolphins, but this idea will hurt more than help.
ixnaum, Sep 07 2009
  

       I veered down the alley, hoping to lose them. Great streaks of water cascaded down the fire-escapes, slapping into the plastic rubbish sacks piled on either side. This was a dead end, in more ways than one - this was a place where kids, punks and drifters had all spent their final days - it was as if the City was claiming back its own - yeah, I'd grown up on these streets, seen the decay, watched the ghettos spread, been a part of the gangs. I'd worked these streets, and they'd fed, clothed and kept me throughout my early years - and now, damnit, they'd reclaim me as their own.
  

       The 'Phins rounded the corner, the sound of their Segway's whining was just audible against the slap-slap of the overflow pipes and the rain. Clicking to one another mercilessly, they formed a line and advanced, their blades glistening in the flickering neon from the 24-hour Cosmetic Surgery store on the main street.
  

       I'd dealt with 'Phins before, and recognised this crew - ex military, they'd seen action at Panama, and some of them were veterans of Suez - dumb bastards - sold down the river in a game they never knew they were a part of - nobody would ever know - or at least that's what we thought.
  

       Not til the communications breakthrough of '17 - Yeah, they said, wouldn't it be great to talk to the animals - but when the beasts started talking, the world listened - nobody was ready for the revelations that would be spread around the news nets - animals never lied, they didn't (or couldn't) know how - the first civil wars spread across Europe, then like wildfire - all across the world. And then, the declaration of Animal Rights, and enclaves, reservations and special dispensations were issued to all non-humans - Dolphins were the worst, intelligent, haughty bastards, they'd grown to hate humans almost as much as they hated Porpoises (the Porpoise Genocide of '45 wasn't fully uncovered till 20 years later at the Atlantean Trials, until then, only Humans had been singled out as the sinful race - though many of us had suspected the Dolphin's natural Specism long before) And these boys had been drinking - you could tell from the glazed look in their eyes - six tanks of Algade between them and they could barely click.
  

       I should have taken solace from that, but I knew that they'd have done enough Mex to break right through the alcoholic funk they were in - these 'Phins were spiked to their dorsals - and they wanted blood, mine to be precise. I knew dating that Dugong from the West Side had been a bad idea, but you know me, I'm a sucker for manatees.
  

       The lead 'Phin gunned his Segway and bolted towards me - I looked for a place to turn to, but I was well and truly backed into a corner - the other 'Phins clicked and buzzed frenzidly behind him, awaiting the inevitable outcome. But I knew better, I'd studied long and hard at Dr Tunagi's underwater dojo, learning the ancient art of Dolphin Self-Defence - and I knew exactly what to do.
  

       His leering smile altered not one jot as I leaped to meet the oncoming cetacean, landing a downward fist to his melon - his buzz rising in pitch as his brain processed the shockwave. Then, being careful to avoid his couched switchblade, I came around behind his dorsal fin and flipped him off the Segway, he landed, badly - now, before he was able to come back at me, I finally drew my '45 and planted a slug in his blowhole - a classic finish, Dr Tunagi would have been proud.
  

       "One fish-loving toothed whale down, which one of you grinning womb-fish is next?"
zen_tom, Sep 08 2009
  

       Hahaha.   

       Hahaha.
  

       //sucker for manatees//
hahahaha
  

       Sounds like an extension to HHGTG. Nice!
21 Quest, Sep 08 2009
  
      
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