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Dolphin Suicide Counseling

Looks Like We Got Us A Jumper...
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People make the assumption that dolphins jump out of the water because they are happy, or because they're just being smartasses and showing off, or a lot of other reasons. I propose these are failed suicide attempts by depressingly stupid dolphins.

What do most fish know about gravity? This may very well be the equivalent of someone leaping off a bridge to end it all; only in this case, the dolphin is immediately hurled back to where they started from by gravity. (The bridge jumper, not so much.) It is only owing to continuous tedious repetition that the dolphin attempts to end it all over and over.

To break the cycle, I propose an intervention. First, one must ascertain why the dolphin wants to end it all. If they are pining away for companionship (which seems the most likely), one might try lowering a dolphin sex doll (with life-like working good bits) into the water and accompany this with female mating calls. (Other strategies may be employed for the myriad other reasons a dolphin might want to cash in his chips.)

Note that if a dolphin is a few krill short of a school, this intervention won't add to his IQ, but it may help him realize the futility of his chosen method.

Grogster, Feb 28 2011

Flipper Committed Suicide http://www.pbs.org/...rviews/obarry2.html
Interview with Flipper's trainer where he describes her "self-induced asphyxiation" [fishboner, Aug 17 2011]


       //The bridge jumper, not so much.//   

       Marked for extraordinarity.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 28 2011

       of course *she* might be experimenting with an attempt to reach escape velocity in order to explore space.
po, Feb 28 2011

       Wouldn't the dolphin wishing to end its life just swim up the Thames, or swim down to the bottom of the Atlantic Trench? If a dolphin held its breath and just kept swimming down, it would at some point reach a 'bingo' depth at which it wouldn't have enough air to get back to the surface again.   

       Since we aren't able to survey the bottom of the atlantic trench to any great accuracy, there's no telling what kind of oceanic mammalian horrors we may find down there - whole cetacean graveyards, hitherto unknown, where the bones of long-dead whales, dolphins and other aquatic air-breathers have long lain alone in their final resting places, to sleep the dreamless sleep of death, and to pass, unseen, beyond this world, an onto the next.   

       No, if dolphins want a place to go to die, they know it's always waiting for them at the bottom of the murky depths. But to strive for the light, to reach, and to break-free for the heavens! Oh, it must be so much more wonderful to feel the rarefied air on your skin if you live your whole life encased in water.   

       To be able to free yourself from your watery prison must be like finding Paradise, for a moment.   

       But then again, maybe they are just dumb. If you want to 'break the cycle', do them a favour and simply harpoon them whenever they break the surface, that should learn them after a while. And, if your assumption is correct, and they are making suicide bids, well, you're double-doing them a favour.
zen_tom, Feb 28 2011

       I always wondered* if those self-beaching whales are the victims of some cruel cetacean brain-washing cult. Maybe they are told that, if they beach themselves, they will explode, kill millions of humans, and go to some whale paradise.   

       *clearly this is not true. I only wondered it for the first time a few moments ago. However, 'I always wondered' seemed like a good way to start the previous paragraph of this annotation.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 28 2011

       //dolphin sex dolls//   

FlyingToaster, Feb 28 2011

       //This may very well be the equivalent of someone leaping off a bridge to end it all; only in this case, the dolphin is immediately hurled back to where they started from by gravity.// <sup> cetacean needed </sup>
4whom, Feb 28 2011

       Preposterous. Dolphins have been shown to have very keen intelligences. Also, they needn't have a female dolphin to have sex, as many traumatized sea-world workers have learned.   

       No, Dolphins most likely have intelligences approximating, or even surpassing our own. Failed suicide is a foolish theory.   

       Rather, they are attempting weather-controlling experiments. You doubt me, but do examine the correlation between precipitation, and the presence of salt particles in the air.
ye_river_xiv, Aug 15 2011

       You've got it all wrong. If they're trying to off themselves, and failing due to unfamiliarity with gravity* then the charitable thing to do is kill them. Could become quite a popular sport, hitting a dolphin with an explosive harpoon just at the apex of its breach.   

       *since, as everybody knows, there's no gravity underwater.
mouseposture, Aug 16 2011

       This is clearly a plot for world domination. These evil creatures are testing life outside their aquatic confines. Soon, they will launch their aircraft and begin bombing us with materials gleaned from the detritus in the ocean's gyres. Mark my words, they will be coming after all of us and will enslave us and kill us.   

       Or, maybe I forgot to take my medication...never mind...
Klaatu, Aug 16 2011

       Seriously, I saw a vid on a disaster with fish due to them getting trapped in a port with too little air in the water.   

       I would presume that there is something in the water that they must get away from, perhaps some type of acid (Jellyfish?) and closer to the beach it gets better. I'm sure there's a simple explanation and nothing "psychological". Just because we don't follow doesn't mean its not logical.
pashute, Aug 16 2011

       they are voluntary breathers. They can just choose to stop breathing, and sometimes do.   

       This is how Flipper died.
fishboner, Aug 17 2011


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