Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Dry Cow

An entire cow's worth of beef jerky!
  (+7, -1)
(+7, -1)
  [vote for,

Skin, gut and jerk an entire cow.

Stand him/her up in the basement and pull off a strip anytime you want. It's like beef jerky on tap!

Great for parties or family reunions.

MikeD, Oct 16 2011

Trans-dimensional weapons conveyance Cow_20full_20of_20guns
And now sustenance too! A huge improvement. [theleopard, Oct 17 2011]

Jerked Human http://news.yahoo.c...ears-101917345.html
Eeeeeeewwwww. [DIYMatt, Oct 18 2011]


       // jerk an entire cow //   

       Precisely what is this intended to infer, and through what form of artifice is this act to be accomplished?   

       Other than these small details, I take no further issue. In fact, I wish I had a fully-jerked cow of my own. [+]
Alterother, Oct 16 2011

       The Halfbakery lies entirely in [AO]'s second scentence. +
daseva, Oct 16 2011

       I wonder if being 'jerked' will ever catch on as an alternative to cremation or burial?
hippo, Oct 16 2011

       [+] hippo.
FlyingToaster, Oct 16 2011

       This is excellent.   

       I would recommend that you suspend (or, better, levitate by means of hoof-mounted magnets) the animal, to deter rats.   

MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 16 2011

       //The Halfbakery lies entirely in [AO]'s second scentence.//   

       Certainly not. The Halfbakery is soo much more than that. It is, for example, one of the most pedantic places on the Internet. Can usage of \\infer\\ for "imply" be considered typical?   

       re: the idea itself, with ordinary jerky, you ensure that the meat dries before it rots by cutting into strips, which increases surface to volume ratio. Spices or salt also act as preservatives, but these too act at the surface. A whole carcass is problematic. Smoke may be the answer, or perhaps there's some industrial process involving high pressure impregnation, or injection with needles.   

       But the elegant solution is to take advantage of the fact that it's an intact animal, and perfuse it through the arterial system, the way embalmers do. Needs a preservative that's edible, of course: I suggest distilled spirits.
mouseposture, Oct 16 2011

       //It was described as 'very much like beef jerky'.//   

       Regarding appearance? Or taste?   

       //perfuse it through the arterial system, the way embalmers do.//   

       Brilliant! So much better than injecting marinade into the muscle.   

       <later addendum>   

       I was recently privileged with seeing the opened thoracic cavity of a living mammal whilst venously infused with 150 ml of green dye (fast push). The speed at which it perfused the tissues was amazing. Less than one second to mottle the pleural tissue, less than four seconds to completely perfuse the pleural tissue. (Watching a beating heart turn green was fucking awesome)
MikeD, Oct 16 2011

              //you ensure that the meat dries before it rots by cutting into strips//      

       Cut it into strips that are still attached at the base, a la Bloomin' Onion.   

              //I wonder if being 'jerked' will ever catch on as an alternative to cremation or burial?//      

       If local laws and ordinances prevent me from being burned on a pyre as my ancestors were (because Vikings were often to busy to dig a proper hole only to fill it back in again), then perhaps I would like to be 'jerked' when I die. It would give a neat alternative to Heinlein's suggestion of being made into stew.
Alterother, Oct 16 2011

       It makes me want to put that in my will just to f*** with my next of kin.
DIYMatt, Oct 16 2011

       Don't spell it out, though; make them stand around trying to figure out what 'jerked' means.
Alterother, Oct 16 2011

       The Autoboner is losing his/her edge. Took em 'bout 18 hours before leaving it's loathsome calling card.
MikeD, Oct 16 2011

       This idea has my gag reflex working overtime.
blissmiss, Oct 17 2011

       <Gritted Teeth>   

       Must resist making fallatio reference/inference   

MikeD, Oct 17 2011

       Tis rare as human
to full jerk bovine.

       //I wonder if being jerked will catch on as an alternative to cremation or burial.// I'm all for being jerked.
Ah Supp, Oct 17 2011

       I think ancient cultures pretty much did this to preserve their food, though they didn't have basements...
xandram, Oct 17 2011

       //jerk an entire cow// Parma ham gets close to this, albeit one leg at a time - oh, and it's a pig.
zen_tom, Oct 17 2011

       //I would recommend that you suspend (or, better, levitate by means of hoof-mounted magnets)//   

       Sorry, that's perilously close to the FTL comms system (NRM Corp TM), which switches the polarity in horse shoes. Even Apple might sue, on the off-chance.
not_morrison_rm, Oct 17 2011

       //oh, and it's a pig//   

       MikeD doesn't eat pig. It is a filthy, filthy animal, whose parasite ridden meat will not EVER* enter the digestive tract of MikeD.   

       * unless prepared as bacon.
MikeD, Oct 17 2011

       That's a good one, [fries].
normzone, Oct 17 2011

       Alright then, this idea makes me sick. Better? Clearer? Less room for gag jokes? Be it so.
blissmiss, Oct 17 2011

       FT's first link makes me wonder what hippo jerky would be like.
RayfordSteele, Oct 18 2011


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