Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Fake management-speak

make up fake buzzwords, see if you can get the bosses to start using them.
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Make your superiors look ridiculous by introducing them to made-up management buzzwords. For example: "Yeah, it's the 'magnified posse' phenomenon, you know."
mrthingy, Aug 18 2001

Use Bizarre Metaphors http://www.halfbake...Bizarre_20Metaphors
Slip any number of these into conversation often enough, and everyone else wil use them too... [-alx, Aug 18 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

Bullshit Bingo http://www.qs9000.com/level2/Bingo.html
[Pallex, Aug 18 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

It lives! http://dack.com/web/bullshit.html
Getcher fake buzz-phrases here. [PotatoStew, Aug 18 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]


thumbwax, Aug 18 2001

       Seems to me this would tie in nicely with the 'Use Bizarre Metaphors' idea. Getting your bosses to say things like "We've really got to burst that lemming open" has got to bring a smile to the face.
-alx, Aug 18 2001

       Well ya can't fake an omelette without plastic eggs. And like Steve Jobs says, when you're pushing photons you don't pull Cat 5. Heh, I guess the big gorilla has the most fleas.   

       [Addendum: Not quite what mrthingy had in mind. I guess these are more like aphorisms than buzzwords. How about 'crippled outsourcing' and 'Pythagoran buyout'?
Dog Ed, Aug 19 2001

       The bad news is that I'm pretty sure this idea is baked, but the good news is you can bake it too in six easy steps!   

       [step 1] Write a book on management pulling the fake words you want to use as buzzwords out of pseudodictionary.com... It doesnt have to be researched, well written or even factual!   

       [step 2] find a big publishing house   

       [step 3] in the first week of publication, get the publishing house to buy back all of the books   

       [step 4] wait for the sales to be tallied and a management best seller list to be compiled   

       [step 5] wait for the fadish nature of middle/top level management to kick in   

       [step 6] then watch your books fly off the shelves.   

       It happens all the time. I don't want to mention any specific companies or names, (they're fiercely protective of their good will) but has anybody ever heard of business process reengineering? Classic example.
sdm, Aug 19 2001

       [UnaB]: If we're on the same reference, it's 'Frammin' at the jim-jam, frippin' in the krotz.'
angel, Aug 20 2001

       I've often thought about slipping the word "preactive" into job interviews - as meaning "one step ahead of proactive"...   

       "I'm not reactive, I'm not just proactive... I'm *preactive*." Meaningless of course, but managers seem to like their buzzwords as devoid of actual significance as possible. Have a croissant, mrthingy... for your "orthogonal redirection of the situation".
Guy Fox, Aug 20 2001

       What I really hate is that whole percentage thing. "I'm gonna go 110% on this project." No you sodding well aren't.
-alx, Aug 20 2001

       Dack.com had a "Web Economy Bullshit Generator" which, when you hit the button, spat out an arbitrary verb-adjective-noun combination.   

       Stuff like: "innovate front-end methodologies", "empower cross-platform deliverables", "maximize mission critical schemas". Every combination was an arbitrary pull, but each sounded like it was taken off the headlines of the latest trade. Unfortunately, the link now comes up empty.   

       [Later] Yup, that's it. Hat tip to PotatoStew for coming up with the link.
iuvare, Aug 20 2001, last modified Aug 21 2001

       iuvare: I remember that! It came up with some great ones... too bad it's gone. It would have been perfect for this.   

       [Later] No! I found it! Maybe they just moved the page, but it still exists. I've posted the link.
PotatoStew, Aug 20 2001

       While we're at it, can we make the bosses believe that "processes" rhymes with "progresses," and not "indices"? What a hoot that would be!
beauxeault, Aug 20 2001

       get him/her to say "Procreative"
thumbwax, Aug 20 2001

       easy steps,sdm?
technobadger, Aug 20 2001

       technobadger: You have a point. But some of the management literature I've been subjected to over time is so vague and flawed that you can't help but think that those guys had an *easy* time writing it.   

       How about this: morbid stupidity meets management stupidity in the bestseller "Dude! Where's my Cheese?"
sdm, Aug 20 2001

       gyronegotiator - a person that keeps negotiations calm and stable, like a gyroscope.   

       William should be put on the board to gyronegotiate the contract. Wendy and Paul are often at odds unless somebody can keep them stable.
Aboo, Jul 31 2002


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