Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
Replace "light" with "sausages" and this may work...

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Fart Louvers

Puff with impunity, every time.
  [vote for,

When you have to fart, there is usually one safe direction to do it in (i.e. away from the people you're with), and one dangerous direction. People resort to all sorts of covert gestures in desperate hope of coaxing the impending fart to travel in the "safe" direction. However, none of the methods are truly safe. There is a very real danger of embarrassment.

But not anymore. Fart Louvers consist of two long tubes, each one running all the way down one pant leg. The tubes join together into a funnel shape whose mouth rests just outside your farthole, and a switch located on your belt lets you choose which tube a fart will travel down.

Now you have an extra meter of range by which to displace your fart. Sitting at a dinner table? There is no need to tilt over at a conspicuous 5-degree angle while you expel your contents. Simply choose a leg and stretch it under the table to a safe destination.

You can even direct the fart louver towards someone you dislike who happens to be sitting across table from you, and watch in amusement as he takes the blame.

phundug, Nov 25 2003


       I like the last paragraph in particular.
thumbwax, Nov 25 2003

       I would just assume let her rip in whichever direction rather than endure the tickling discomfort of a funnel- tube attachment anywhere NEAR my holiest of holes.
UrineForATreat, Nov 25 2003

       Ever farted into a vacuum cleaner, the primitive kind of vacuum (DirtDevil) where the air goes close by the motor? I heard that sparks from the brushes can cause impressive flares.   

       Back to serious inventions, add a little fan (with encapsulated motor) that pushes all the exhaust through a filter. Good for occasions when you don't want to embarass anyone.
kbecker, Nov 25 2003

       Some people though can detect who has farted....   

       The boyfriend sat for his 1st sunday lunch with the Girlfirend and her parents. Felt a fart coming on, and silently let it off. The girls father started kicking the dog underneath the table saying ' Get out Rover for F&*Ck's sake'. 'Great' thought the boyfriend 'he's blaming the dog. A few minutes later he unleashes a real stinker. The father again kicked the dog saying ' Get out Rover for f&*Ck's sake, before he shits on you'
superyuk, Nov 26 2003

       Do dolphins fart?   

       .. and if they do so in a remote area of the ocean, does it make a sound?
dobtabulous, Nov 26 2003

       Put plastic bags over the ends of the hoses and empty them when you get home...
stringstretcher, Nov 26 2003

       Mind wanders off... invents Sphincter Balloons....
Cedar Park, Nov 27 2003


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