Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Fingers are really great, aren't they? Indeed, there are few distal body parts which provide more pleasure and utility.

Traditionally, all four fingers on one hand flex in the same direction - towards the palm. This is all well and good, but the surgeons at the MaxiFy Bodyshop have been doing some thinking.

It's clear that people with fewer than the normal issue of fingers often manage very well, and suffer no impairment unless they want to play the piano or guitar. Equally, it's clear that pentadactyly is something of an evolutionary accident. All of this implies that there is some redundancy in having all four fingers bend the same way.


For a modest (but not falsely modest) fee, you can be one of the first owners of a MaxiFy Figner!

The operation is almost naively simple. Using keyhole surgery, our highly skilled and often trained surgeons will make a transverse cut the metacarpal of your chosen finger. (The metacarpal is the longish bone that runs from your wrist, through the palm, and up to the first knuckle). They will also delicately snip the tendons, alongside the metacarpal, which control the finger like puppet- strings (the muscles that move your fingers are actually in your forearm).

After a couple of incisions and some skin-loosening, the entire finger (including the first knuckle) is rotated axially by 180 degrees, the metacarpal is re-joined using an intramedullary nail ("pin") and the tendons are reconnected to their new partners.

Fortunately, there is no need for tedious vascular or neural surgery: the blood vessels and nerves to the finger have enough stretch in them to accommodate a half-twist around the revised metacarpal. This means that healing is rapid, and you can expect to go home after only up to as little as an average of 48 hours in our medical facility. The revised digit should be useable after a further 2-3 weeks.

The advantages of a figner are, we think, quite obvious. Whilst using your three conventional fingers to type, write or perform other tasks, your figner can be used to grip a pencil, cigarette or small animal between the pad of the reversed digit and the back of your hand. You will also be able to scratch that itch or pick that nose whilst your three regular fingers are fully occupied

With practice, most figner owners find that they can oppose the figner to the the thumb, across the back of the hand, further enhancing its utility.

Clearly, MaxiFy Bodyshop would not wish to suggest or imply that the sexual possibilities provided by a figner will in any way improve your appeal to members of your preferred sex.

MaxwellBuchanan, May 20 2010


       I herby claim patent on "improved" designs for everyhandheld device ever made by man, to now work with Figners! (Oh blast, I just disclosed before filing - there go my millions)
RattyBunyip, May 20 2010

       //few distal body parts which provide more pleasure//   

       I can think of one...   

       Hey! Long time no see, Ratty.
MikeD, May 20 2010

       Fniger licking good.... perfect for multi-tasking ie now you CAN pick your nose and send a text message at the same time.
xenzag, May 20 2010

       freakishly good idea, scary that I would even think so...
dentworth, May 20 2010

       The phalanx media will have a heyday with this.   

       //I herby claim patent // That's a sage move. I'll ask my friend Tara if she can help you. Oh, damn, it's after 5:30 - Tara gone. I hope she's cumin back tomorrow.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 20 2010

       Should have kept an eye on the thyme
pocmloc, May 20 2010

       I know of an outfit or two that can do this for free, although I don't guarantee mobility afterwards.
RayfordSteele, May 20 2010

       Triffic. [+]
awesomest, May 20 2010

       //highly skilled and often trained// [+]
mouseposture, May 20 2010

       Just think of all the new ways to flip people the bird.
DrWorm, May 21 2010

       How about just implanting a ball-point pen into the forefinger, the right if right-handed and left if left- handed. The surgery would be minor and at the doctor's office without too much effort, time or money. A nurse would not even be necessary and all done under local analgesia. Re-fills could be just as easy.   

       el dueno
el dueno, May 21 2010


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