Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Goose and Turkey Keeperwarmers

  [vote for,

Cooking Christmas lunch is a precise military operation, ensuring that some 8 or 10 dishes are all ready at the same time. The last hour or so gets particularly frantic, and oven space tends to run out.

The bird (goose or turkey) can come out of the oven 30 minutes before carving, and will remain hot for that length of time. However, it would be nice to have a bit more leeway.

MaxCo. is therefore proud to introduce its range of Goose and Turkey Keeperwarmers. The goose ones are shaped a bit like a rounded brick (or a stretched American football); the turkey ones are shorter and fatter; both are available in a range of sizes. Each one is hewn from living granite (whatever that is), and polished to perfection.

While the bird is cooking, simply pop the Keeperwarmer into your warming chamber, so that it reaches 50-60°C by the time the bird is cooked. You can then take the bird out of the oven a full hour before serving time, and pop the Keeperwarmer into its cavity. Thus equipped, and covered with a teat owl, your goose or turkey will hold its temperature for far longer than would otherwise be the case.

MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 25 2018


       If these were used to also deliver additional dill flavour, they could have a more interesting name.
xenzag, Dec 25 2018

       If the warmer was a stainless steel enclosure containing a suitable radioisotope, no preheating would be necessary.   

       // precise military operation //   

       Explosions, smoke, confusion, wreckage and debris everywhere, the screams of the wounded, panic, chaos, shouting, refugees fleeing with the few possessions they can carry ... ?   

       Yes, sounds about right for Christmas dinner.
8th of 7, Dec 25 2018

       Well, the Buchanan household has just feasted on roast goose, sausagemeat and sage stuffing, maple-glazed roast parsnips (yes), brussels sprouts with crispy pancetta and lemon drizzle, caramelized mango, chorizo pigs in blankets, explody roast potatoes, redcurrant jelly and lime-and-cranberry sauce. I just wanted to let everyone know.   

       Of course, it would have been so much easier with a Keeperwarmer. I may actually go out and find a suitable rock and try it next year.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 25 2018

       Sorry [Max] but even the Cullinan is too small for this purpose. And the very thought is gauche.
Voice, Dec 26 2018

       //Way too much. Chorizo is just more bacon.// I have to agree with you on that one - chorizo is just too intense and too salty. Next year, mini black pudding sausages in bacon. Bread sauce - never been a fan, and with goose?   

       //even the Cullinan is too small// It turns out that granite has a higher specific heat capacity than diamond, though not by much.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 26 2018

       Wait a minute. Am I supposed to believe that the Buchanan estate has only one serviceable oven, let alone only one kitchen? Good lord, don't the waitstaff get to eat something warm every once in awhile? The next thing you'll be telling me is that the main dining hall has only enough space for 16 chairs, and that the butler shares a bathroom with the footmen.
RayfordSteele, Dec 26 2018

       They've been slumming it in the Gatekeeper's Lodge at the end of the North-East driveway this year, while the foundations of the main house are away being repolished.
8th of 7, Dec 26 2018

       //Am I supposed to believe that the Buchanan estate has only one serviceable oven// Your astonishment does you credit. Obviously not, but there are certain Christmas rituals that cannot be dispensed with. Ours is the long- established argument over "why didn't you measure the oven before you ordered the goose?*", followed by several arcane demonstrations of freestyle martial arts. This tradition dates back to approximately the 1600's, and is often cited by biographers and historians as the reason why entire swathes of the Buchanan line have, from time to time, vanished without trace.   

       (*This line of argument has long since been debunked, since it is illegal, within England, to sell geese by length. Since the Food Adulteration and Fair Measures act of 1810 [which refined an earlier, similar act dating back to the 1700's], the only foods which may be sold by length are black pudding, eels and, for some reason, cocoa.)
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 26 2018

       Perhaps a Dutch oven is called for?
RayfordSteele, Dec 28 2018

       Whoever looked at a goose's bum and said, "I think I'll stuff bread in there"
Voice, Dec 29 2018

       ^ I suspect Sturton may have had a (hopefully rubber gloved) hand in this practice...   

       NB I couldn't be arsed to find this out a while ago, but I finally found out that cats can get catalepsy, or was it cataplexy?
not_morrison_rm, Dec 29 2018

       //cats can get catalepsy// yet, strangely, chickens don't get chickenpox.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 29 2018

       Can elephants get elephantitis?
xenzag, Dec 29 2018

       No, they don't make tights in those sizes ...
8th of 7, Dec 29 2018

       Is it possible to electrocute an electric eel?
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 29 2018

       It's possible to electrocute a catfish.   

       Well ... it's possible to electrocute a cat, catfish can't be that different can they ?
8th of 7, Dec 29 2018

       I dunno. You can put a wardrobe into a flat but not into a flatfish.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 29 2018

       <Scuffling noises/>   

       <Sound of door closing/>   

       <Muffled yowling and splashing/>   

       You can, however, put both a cat and a catfish into a wardrobe.   

       For the benefit of the catfish, it is necessary to position the wardrobe on its back, and fill it to two-thirds of its depth with water.   

       This does not appear to be a satisfactory substitute for the classic Schrödinger's Cat experiment, as catfish don't make any noise, and a cat shut in a wardrobe two-thirds full of cold water is very obviously alive. And unhappy.
8th of 7, Dec 29 2018


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