Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Cheaper protestant version of Scientology
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(+6, -3)
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This is just like scientology except it interprets the teachings of L Ron Hubbard a little different and is also offered at 25% off. While clearly thetans are responsible for most of societies ills, it is thought that the thetan formation story by Mr Hubbard was largely metaphorical and has been interpreted incorrectly by Miscavige et al. Our new interpretation cannot be unveiled until you become "crystal clear" (which is like becoming "clear" but more so) but you get there faster because instead of an e-meter we add a blood pulse oxygen machine to measure your thetans levels whoch we found is far more sensitive than a galvometer.

Hubbardism more succinctly distills the teachings of L Ron Hubbard and can more cheaply fulfill your goal of a happy life. In addition we accept lateral level transfers from Scientology for a nominal fee.

leinypoo13, Dec 25 2013

Older hubbardism http://en.wikipedia.../Old_Mother_Hubbard
Hubbardism of an older and wiser sort [popbottle, Dec 25 2013]

Freezone http://www.freezoneearth.org
One of probably several breakaway Scientology groups [nineteenthly, Dec 26 2013]

A real look into scientology http://fishman.home.xs4all.nl/
website and book written by ex scientologist, selfproclaimed mad man. A surprisingly good read. [zeno, Dec 27 2013]

Guilding the lily http://bdlilies.blo...sing-companion.html
[spidermother, Jan 03 2014]

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       It's about time somebody tacked a list of complaints to those self-important whackjobs' white lacquered door. Good luck dodging the hit squads.
Alterother, Dec 25 2013

       Isn't that what the Freezone is?
nineteenthly, Dec 26 2013

       Given recent health trends, a tremendous opportunity to make Hubbard relevant to the current generation exists for the brave soul who will write Dianetics for Diabetics.
theircompetitor, Dec 26 2013

       What's freezone? Also Paul Thomas Andersons movie The Master is a good start on how to begin reinterpreting L Ron Hubbards teachings
leinypoo13, Dec 26 2013

       Freezoners are the discontents of Scientology who reject the Org but continue to adhere to the belief system. I would see them as the Protestants of the movement.
nineteenthly, Dec 26 2013

       Wow, I was just satirically pointing out the $/knowledge aspect of scientology and since their belief system is essentially a secret product, that it could be copied, improved and sold for cheaper. but those freezone bastards released it open source.
leinypoo13, Dec 26 2013

       I've never really liked Hubbard - not since I found out how he treated his old mother.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 26 2013

       I wonder if there are any actual scientists who are scientologists, I doubt it.
leinypoo13, Dec 26 2013

       There are scientologists who play scientists on t.v.
swimswim, Dec 26 2013

       Scientology pretty much seems to disregard both the scientific process and before that the notion that anything inexplicable has a logical explanation that doesn't involve aliens, so no, from the lay perspective I doubt there are any real scientists in the scientology cult.   

       *I would apologize to any scientologist 'bakers, but A) I'd be surprised if there are any and B) scientologists are nutcases.
Alterother, Dec 27 2013

       I have never heard of a professional scientist being a scientologist. This may be because professional sciencing requires at least a modicum of intelligence. For similar reasons, there are relatively few professional scientists who admit to religion or any other form of superstition, although there are a few.   

       I would imagine that that sort of person is more likely to wind up in cosmology or mathematics than in, say, biology or chemistry.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 27 2013

       The unauthorised biography of L Ron Hubbard, 'Bare-Faced Messiah' (no idea how the author managed to avoid being sued) mentions a biologist who chooses to interpret the history of life account in the belief system (I would call it a religion) figuratively but I seem to remember he struggled.
nineteenthly, Dec 27 2013

       Thanks for the link Zeno, fascinating.
leinypoo13, Dec 27 2013

       An interesting proposal. Although I would call it Hubbub. Basically it's the L Ron Hubbard fanclub as far as I can see. He is a fairly well published paperback author. I still see his paper and hardbacks at bookstores in varying degrees of having been toilet readery. Scientology exibits a tendency of people to form fan collectives around individuals who have established a discoursive category. That L Ron Hubbard decided to institutionalize himself using a bit of applied sociology is an act of positivist scientological Comte-ian social physics. In a scientological sociological manner of speaking he is a god. The content of his religion is absurd, but he's a scientist because he engineered a social form around a bunch of senseless content as far as I can tell. So I'm not a scientologist except as an ironic declaration on a census form, and would certainly never pay tribute in any form to the L Ron Hubbard fanclub because I'm not a fan of his fiction.
rcarty, Dec 27 2013

       //he's a scientist because he engineered a social form around a bunch of senseless content//   

       That seems to be stretching the definition of "scientist" a bit far.
swimswim, Dec 28 2013

       Not in Comte's use of the term. He said social scientists, or social physicists would be gods. L Ron Hubbard definitely aspired to that status. If not a scientist then a scientician or a scientologist.
rcarty, Dec 28 2013

       Doesn't that make him more a social engineer?
nineteenthly, Dec 28 2013

       Well, a scientologist. Social scientists are not like usual scientists, and are not always easy to see. Sometimes they don't consider themselves social scientists. Marketers, media industry professionals, educators, police, web designers, musicians and actors, writers, cult leaders, even popular people, business executives are often social scientists, but it's a science that can be mostly intuitive without education, training and identity formation. Usually they will be working with people in a social capacity, but often in another capacity. My landlord is a social scientist because she manages a hive, or a building and places signs, and warnings in order to 'control' and better predict behaviour. She also utilizes surveillance and a building manager. In a manner she uses science to manage risk in the building. She could make a shrine in a corner and pray that every tenant takes care of the building, but instead uses a combination of social technologies signs, authority, surveillance to control and predict behaviour.
rcarty, Dec 28 2013

       Using science and furthering scientific knowledge seems like a key distinction. By the former definition, yes, LRH might be considered a scientist, as would just about anyone who uses any form of objective, evidence-based decision making.
swimswim, Dec 28 2013

       Now that some evidential standpoint for the meaning of social scientist has been established we can discuss 19th to late mid-20th century positivism and social order and the basic function of 15th century woodcuts as the hermeneutic medium of reality semiotics.   

       In addition super-accelerated pragmatism as the sole determinant of truth-power and the machinations of state socialist hyper industrial capitalism and the entire global cultivation of semiotic proof-power truths.
rcarty, Dec 28 2013

nineteenthly, Dec 28 2013

       Well if he studied and made his religion analogous on some level with other stable social structures that exist in science fiction, organized society, and other religions. For example building an analogy with mormonism would definitely keep his spaceship alive through time. Surprisingly that's like doing something crazy and pointing out its like something in a popular and long lasting TV show or movie. But the shrine is also a communication tool communicating to the reciever that the prayermaker has prayers ands wants them answered by higher authority and you should act in the wisdom of that higher authority.
rcarty, Dec 28 2013

       //I wonder if there are any actual scientists who are scientologists, I doubt it.//   

       Scientology doesn't take the 'scien-' part from 'science', but simply uses the prefix to mean 'knowledge' to denote that the apparent purpose is that its members will gain knowledge of themselves and the world around them - it is literally supposed to mean 'the study of knowledge'.   

       //So I'm not a scientologist except as an ironic declaration on a census form//   

       Since you find the content of Scientology to be 'absurd', it seems likely that you will also question the validity of this fanclub being so controlling of its members and the extent of the extraction of money from them. It is well documented that if one member of a family chooses to leave the 'Church' that they must be immediately cut-off forever: never seen nor spoken to ever again; I know a family who was split up by similar means. Such practices are generally not supported by most who think it to be a 'fanclub' of 'absurd' beliefs.   

       If you have this view, it is therfore highly irresponsible and dangerous to claim allegence on official documents in the name of irony. Your submission of such a statement on a census form bolsters the 'Church's' claim to be a genuine religion (is it fair that the fanclubs of other writers have none of the benefits associated with official recognition of 'religious' status?) and allows them to use your apparent addition to their numbers to claim a right to hold greater sway over people the world over.   

       Having said all that, it should be mentioned that they have many folowers who find their gained knowledge and training of the mind to be genuinely useful in everyday life, and they have had some significant success with reforming drug addicts, though it could be said that they replace one addiction with another. It is only at the very high levels of the 'religion' that such lunacies as their creation myth are revealed to members (after many very expensive courses), and even then, they believe that should the unprepared hear such things as the story of Xenu, they would very soon die of pneumonia.
TomP, Dec 31 2013

       I think you're all ascribing far too noble motives to the clowns at the top end of scientology. Take a hard look at it and you'll realise it's an outgrowth of Heinlein's (Stranger In A Strange Land) religion as a tax dodge. Cruise and the other high office holders are simply laundering money through a "church" they can control.
UnaBubba, Dec 31 2013

       That's the most believable thing I've ever heard said about scientology.
Alterother, Dec 31 2013

       Im not so sure its that cut and dry. Unless Cruise is acting like a lunatic all the time, but is really sane, and its just to be PR for a massive ponzi scheme that him and only a couple others are aware of. Only a preclear SP would think that.
leinypoo13, Dec 31 2013

       They're professional actors, [leinypoo]. They can be whatever they want to be and we wouldn't know the difference.
UnaBubba, Jan 01 2014

       Agreed. If Cruise can move me near to tears as Klaus von Stauffenberg he could probably sell me any lie, maybe even a whopper like 'Mission Impossible 2' (there is no way a Beretta M9 will fire more than once after being buried in wet sand!).
Alterother, Jan 01 2014

       Whenever I see L Ron Hubbard, I'm compelled to read I Ron Hubbard as if some sort of weird solipsistic declaration, somewhat like Being John Malcovitch. Overall, scientology demonstrates a social phenomena that accounts for the existence of so many denominations of churches and churches themselves. To some extent it proves to me that the Roman Catholic church really exists to monopolize the tendency of people to join strange existential cults, and makes a normalised, mainstream one that's cooky enough, and righteous enough for almost anyone. Although the serious conflict between opposing existential cults sort of highlights the failure of that effort.
rcarty, Jan 01 2014

       Nah, hes just nuts, its no different than any other religion, it provides structure, purpose, and absolves you of personal responsibility (if you just do what you're supposed to). And is a bunch of good practical advice mixed with nonsense. Problem is that their particular brand of nonsense is easily disproved, but by linking the nonsense as cause and effect with the practical advice it creates the impression that it works in the users mind.   

       The good practical advice that scientology "teaches" is reinventing the wheel but packaged in a militaristic acronyms. An engram was proposed before Dianetics as a spot in the consciouness where a representation of an external entity exists, which has since been shown to be true (Brittany spears nature paper). The 'reactive mind' is what Buddhism is all about overcoming and becoming of aware of your own thoughts as a means of self therapy. 'Auditing' is just another type of therapy from what I can tell (ironically since they hate psychiatrists).   

       But it works to some extent and so people will generally believe anything they get a reward for believing. For Cruise, he probably wants to just wants to save the world but is too lazy to become a researcher.
leinypoo13, Jan 01 2014

       If scientology takes over it will be normalcy and you will be nuts.
rcarty, Jan 01 2014

       The same statement can be made of any form of lunacy. Doesn't make it any less nuts.
Alterother, Jan 01 2014

       Have you read the history of psychiatry?
rcarty, Jan 01 2014

       A little bit, but I focus my efforts primarily on contributing to it.
Alterother, Jan 01 2014

       I like to keep my contributions strictly to the history of madness.
rcarty, Jan 01 2014

       Same thing. When was the last time you had a shrink who wasn't just as nukking futz as you are?
Alterother, Jan 01 2014

       //I'm compelled to read I Ron Hubbard as if some sort of weird solipsistic declaration//   

       Ha! When I saw my dad's copy of 'Calculus I' as a child I thought it was a rather pompous name for an autobiography.   

       As for L Ron Hubbard, it's telling that the satanists eventually found him too evil and kicked him out. He was a manipulative, self-aggrandising, plagiarising liar. In short, a psychopath.
spidermother, Jan 02 2014

       You have to admit that suit of his 'was' pretty schnazzy though, in a futuristicy kind of way.   

       Ok... just so I've got this straight.   

       Step one: Achieve enough fame to hob-nob with some celebrities and wealthy individuals.
Step two: Hypnotise inner cadre of said wealthy charismatic individuals. "When I snap my fingers you will awake feeling refreshed, spiritually reborn, whole... and, oh yes... compelled to donate." <snap>
Step three: Use celebrity and appearance of power to sway many followers to build pyramidal base of ladder climbers to potentially hypnotise later, (if needed)
Step four: Profit.

       Is that about right?
I just want to make sure. Y'know, for... for science.

       Step five: Periodically, when enough people want to murder or indict you, slink away to a new hidey-hole, leaving your 'friends' and family to face the music.
spidermother, Jan 02 2014

       Well now that's just guilding the lily.   

       The Lily Guild is a great place to let your talents blossom.
swimswim, Jan 02 2014

       <whispers> I heard that if you don't pay your dues they make you push daisies though.   

       Therefore, to be possess'd with double pomp,
To guard a title that was rich before,
To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,
To throw a perfume on the violet,
To smooth the ice, or add another hue
Unto the rainbow, or with taper-light
To seek the beauteous eye of heaven to garnish
Is wasteful and ridiculous excess.

       -Shakespeare, King John (Link).
spidermother, Jan 03 2014


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