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I Speak Your Length In Tongues

old and new testament talking measuring tapes
  (+5, -1)
(+5, -1)
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I Speak Your Length In Tongues is the collective name given to two new measuring tapes.
The Old Testament tape is for measuring longer distances, and the New Testament tape is for the shorter measures. (ie less than 10 feet)

The big difference between these tapes and that of any other is that they speak out the distance in a commanding biblical voice (complete with appropriate references) when the lock button is pressed. Here's a brief description of how they work:
The tapes will only measure between the extended end point (0) and to the exact width of the device itself. Running the Old Testament tape along the length of a table for example produces this result: the voice speaks these words "the length given by the Lord is 2' and 5", which is the same size as the wooden angles used by Noah to reinforce the doors of the giraffe enclosure on his flood rescue ark"

New Testament tape produces similar Biblical references derived from that set of texts. e.g. length of the fishbones from the Loaves and Fishes feeding the 5,000 story.

The information is of course all stored in a comprehensive digitised data base that assigns a biblical equivalent to every measured value, and is delivered via a volume and tone contolled speaker.

Naturally there are equivalent measuring devices for other religions and for those like me who are total non-believers in anything, there are other references such as The Combined Writings of Flann O'Brien, Samuel Beckett and William Shakespeare. These create examples such as: "this is the same length as the handlebar width of Sergeant Pluck's bicycle in The Third Policeman"

xenzag, Jun 19 2022

Cubits https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cubit
ancient unit of length [Loris, Jun 19 2022]

Biblical and Talmudic units of measurement https://en.wikipedi...Length_and_distance
[a1, Jun 19 2022]

Even more https://www.biblega...le/Weights-Measures
[a1, Jun 19 2022]

Cubits? https://www.hindawi...anthro/2014/489757/
anthropological/short, or architectural/long? [a1, Jun 20 2022]


       //length of the fishbones// don't be giving us ideas now!   

       If it were "in tongues" then it would not speak anything coherent or comprehensible, just inspired babble.   

       Also how come it is speaking in English in your examples? Should be Hebrew and Aramaic surely? And the units should be cubits rather than feet and inches?   

       Also the idea of translating standard units of measurement into comparative ones is a well-worn trope in the "Feedback" page of New Scientist.
pocmloc, Jun 19 2022

       This is just silly. [+]
Voice, Jun 19 2022

       I know feet and inches are antiquated, and only currently used by old- age pensioners, wierdos and Americans - but they're not *that* old. Inches are first recorded in the 7th century.
As pocmloc says, you probably want to use cubits.

       Also, you probably want to round to 40 as far as possible.
Loris, Jun 19 2022

       All creatives use feet and inches.
xenzag, Jun 19 2022

       //creatives// sp. weirdos
pocmloc, Jun 19 2022

xenzag, Jun 19 2022

       //All creatives use feet and inches.//   

       Well, God apparently works in cubits.
You mentioned the Ark. Well, various bibles seem to agree that it was 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high. (Genesis 6:15)

       Those are the specs, handed down from on high.   


       Your hair is looking particularly bouffant today.
Loris, Jun 19 2022

       As I've stated elsewhere, the Planck length is ~1 E-38 miles, so physical items default to imperial. Light however is obviously metric.
RayfordSteele, Jun 19 2022

       //As I've stated elsewhere, the Planck length is ~1 E-38 miles//   

       But it's bad form to use large units for small things, when smaller units exist. Like you can't insist on paying for expensive things with tons of pennies, or buy a penny sweet with a hundred pound note.
If you /must/ use imperial, you should probably express it as fractions of a twip.
Loris, Jun 20 2022

       I guess this is pretty halfbaked by any measurement. +
xandram, Jun 20 2022

       We actually use these in modern Judaism. Even those who don't believe, and just practice the traditions and culture. At some stage, some people (sages) were obsessed with these numbers.   

       There was a Babylonian rabbi who used to nitpick and ask questions about what happens if one foot of the bird is in the enclosed area while the other leg is out, and he was thrown out more than once for that.
pashute, Jun 21 2022


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