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Instant Bullshit Detector

A phone app that assists with streetside swamp-thing avoidance
  [vote for,

You know when you're chatting to an imperfect stranger - someone who unfortunately manages to grab your attention on the street and whom you unwittingly stop to greet and then strke up a conversation with - and that little prickle of intuition - let's call it conscience - begins to niggle at you, telling you to cease and desist because this person is trouble, and you magnanimously ignore the niggling and go on chatting because you think you might be somehow doing them a favour by taking an interest in their affairs, and also, quite selfishly you imagine this conversation might just turn into a friendship?

Only to realise later that you were fooling yourself and need to run a mile to avoid their sordid clutches.... Ever had that happen and wanted to kick yourself afterwards?

Well, now you can save yourself from bruised legs with the IBD - Instant Bullshit Detector. It is a phone app that detects bodily signals like heart rate and temperature, so that when the 'niggle' gets to fever pitch and you have ignored all the obvious bodily cues to cut the engagement and retreat, it sends a vibrating pulse that if ignored for more than a minute becomes a small electric shock, - delivered through the charging port, - which if ignored or not felt becomes a larger shock that can pierce through clothing and purse etc so that you know beyond a doubt you're in danger of being bullshitted by some kind of swamp thing disguised as an interesting human being, and you can say, "Oops my phone is giving me an IBD alert!" and proceed to run innocently, and safely, away.

If the swamp thing happens to catch up with you and ask what the hell an IBD alert is, you can fob them off by telling them it stands for 'Irritable Bowel Disorder' and then dive into the nearest restroom and slam the door, hoping they aren't waiting outside.

If you suspect they are, there's an additional feature to the app that has an extended mix of grotesque bowel sounds on it, that are guaranteed to deter even a swamp thing.

Edie, Apr 26 2024


       //It is a phone app that detects bodily signals like heart rate and temperature//   

       I think you mean "It is a smart-watch app that detects [...]"   

       I'm pretty sure my phone doesn't know my heart rate, nor my temperature, whatever app you install on it.
pertinax, Apr 28 2024

       Watch this space.
Edie, Apr 28 2024

       How much? I could do with a new one, the needle on mine has become permanently stuck on bulshit for years now, amd I'm not not sure if that's because it's broken or if it's still working.   


       For instance right now it's banging itself in an annoying and constant manner against the far right side of the gauge, the half that's a really bright red, as if it's trying to go smash right through it, got really agitated when I started reading this for some reason ;)   

       It's beginning to smoke a bit now.   

       Getting a bit hot too, I'll just go drop it in a glass of water to cool it down.   


       What sensors come as standard with a smart phone that allow it to detect these things (heart rate body temperature etc) in others or are you shipping the app with plug in sensors to attach to the subject?   

       Maybe consider using visual cues garnered from the camera, perhaps in combination with voice analysis through the speaker, though given the problems a lot of our image recognition AI still has identifying individuals one might be a little cautious of trusting the results as anything more than a gimmick or toy.   


       Not to mention that all those cues (both those that can be garnered by visual and auditory means and those that can't) have all been amply demonstrated by decades of experience with more traditional lie detectors to be far too individual in nature, circumstantial and context based to be trusted as an indicator of anything, people get nervous or what-have-you for all sorts of innocent reasons (and practically all of them can mean something else entirely anyway, elevated heart-rate etc can just as easily mean he just got in from a run, just finished banging his misses or is having a stroke rather than embarrassment or nervousness) and habitual liars tend not to get nervous when lying.   

       Which is why they're not admissible in courts, they produce far too many false negatives and far too many false positives for too frequently even with a well trained and experienced operator.   

       In short, it's for all practical purposes more of a pseudo science than an actual science and about as useful as phrenology, which is to say it's not really.   

       All it really boils down to is is the users opinion gussied up with with a few extra bells and whistles to give it a veneer of reliability beyond that of an un-gussied opinion that it does't really have, and you're seeking to rely on the bells and whistles without the user opinion .. sounds good! what can possibly go wrong? ;)
Skewed, Apr 28 2024

       My IBD alert system didn't respond much as I read the above [Skewed] and I'm not sure if that's because it's broken or if there's no BS there to be detected, but my intuition says "run for the hills!" ...so it's debatable.
Edie, Apr 29 2024

       //My IBD alert system didn't respond much as I read ... but my intuition says "run for the hills!"//   

       As expected .. there are two very good reasons [ponders] no, three very good reasons for that   

       1. Your IBD isn't switched on, it's that little blue button on the left, give it a flick.   

       2. You don't have an IBD you're just pretending you do, imaginary IBDs are even more notoriously unreliable than the real thing, which is unfortunate really, because they're the only model currently available.   

       3. You're trying to use the wrong equipment to detect what your intuition is telling you ..   

       It's not BS you're sensing, that's annoying poorly socialised arsehat your intuition is alerting you to ;p
Skewed, Apr 29 2024

       Ah, the blue button! No wonder I was bemused. I'd been using the red one. Now all is back to normal and I'm sensing BS all round . Someone on the TV just tried to sell me a hat for my rear end, and I (almost) bought it.
Edie, Apr 30 2024

       Doing heart rate is easy and baked. The camera senses small color changes. I have that app.   

       A b.s. detector would have to understand something about your whole personality, both relaxed and under different stimuli to have even the remotest clue.   

       I can largely tell when people are intentionally lying to me or whether they believe their nonsense. It's called being old.
RayfordSteele, May 03 2024


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