Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Jamie Oliver Must Die

Televised celebrity stalking
  (+38, -12)(+38, -12)(+38, -12)
(+38, -12)
  [vote for,

This idea is based on the project for a US network TV show that Bill Hicks was working on when he died: "Let's hunt and kill Billy Ray Cyrus." However, "Jamie Oliver Must Die" has been modified to be slightly less illegal.

The object of the show is that contestants must be filmed getting into positions where they could murder faux-cockney celebrity chef Jamie Oliver (or possibly his wife Jools and any of his spurious, straight out of drama school, paid to be his friends "mates" from his TV show The Naked Chef). Even if he didn't actually die, viewers would enjoy fantasising about his demise and seeing the ease with which unwanted celebrities could be disposed of.

Perhaps they might get him in the sights of a high-velocity rifle, or sprinkle an anonymous powder into his Sainsbury's Chilean Sauvignon Blanc, or dangle a demolition ball menacingly outside his posh flat. However, if Mr Oliver or his friends (his real friends like the posh birds from the River Side Cafe that is) or his dead-wealthy parents observed any of this, the contestant would be disqualified.

As long as none of the contestants got over-excited (the temptation would be great, I admit), I believe the pressure would be on Mr Oliver to be a good sport and not report anything to the law enforcement agencies.

There is a long tradition on British TV of celebrities being the victims of amusing practical jokes, for example Noel Edmonds's Gotcha Oscars. These generally involve public humilation by vengeful out-of-work actors in squirrel costumes, and the dupe appearing on TV afterwards to smile sweetly. Also forcing the famous to be debased and ridiculed are the panoply of comedy interviewers from Clive Anderson to Mrs Merton to Ali G.

Not to mention the slightly more recent tradition of celebrities being tricked on TV to endorse spurious anti-paedophilia campaigns by wearing T-shirts saying "This Is Nonce Sense" or demanding money to help east European elephants with their trunks stuck up their anuses, and the gulled celebrity threatening to sue but not actually carrying out the threat; all these make me believe it's a strong possibility for a youth-oriented channel.

Alternatively, if it's considered too dangerous to put members of the public in a position to maim the famous, we could allow slightly less famous/annoying celebrities to do the hunting. For instance, Sara Cox, Lisa Riley and one of the Appleton sisters out to get Victoria Beckham; or Richard Madeley, Lewis from Hollyoaks, and Paul Coia competing to see who could be first to plug Jeremy Clarkson. Naturally, we wouldn't have to track down Viscount Oliver every week; there is no shortage of other C-list celebs I'd be happy to see pursued.

pottedstu, Oct 01 2001

Jamie Oliver Gallery http://www.hairytongue.com
There is a whole gallery devoted to hatred of the mockney at this site [Redbrickterrace, Oct 01 2001, last modified Oct 05 2004]

SJG's Killer http://www.sjgames.com/killer/
This is a game were people try to safely "kill" other people in such a way that people are not arressted or shot. Players shoot people with bananas, for example. [Aristotle, Oct 01 2001, last modified Oct 05 2004]

amimoreirritatingthanjamieoliverornot http://www.femail.c...3579&in_page_id=711
A quiz. [angel, Oct 01 2001, last modified Oct 05 2004]


       pukka idea!

Add Tara P-T to that list and I'm yours for ever.
lewisgirl, Oct 01 2001

babychaos, Oct 01 2001

       I bet he couldn't cook a croissant as nice as the one I'm giving you, [pottedstu].
sdm, Oct 01 2001

       Croissant. But are you sure that we can't just shoot him?
DrBob, Oct 01 2001

       Englishman, the custard addition is interesting. It would be excellent television to see for instance Davina McColl track and encustardise Jane MacDonald, or have a psychotic, obsessive and unshaven Dale Winton empty several cubic metres of pink egg-based liquid atop Charlie "Janine Butcher" Brooks after several weeks sleeping rough outside her house as he tracks her movements, only to himself fall dead from a repeated breadstick assault led by Cilla Black and Chris Tarrant, who in turn...   

       However, there would be the danger that the addition of custard would trivialise the widespread popular revulsion the people of Britain and the free world feel towards Jamie Oliver.
pottedstu, Oct 01 2001

       I haven't seen croissants gravitate towards an idea this fast in a while.
sdm, Oct 01 2001

       Los Angeles sends the Croissant to The City
thumbwax, Oct 01 2001

       The only problem I can see with this idea is that it will require J.O. to be on television even more.
stupop, Oct 01 2001

       [T_E_A]: Personally, I've always considered Wizbit to be among Mr Daniels's least offensive ejaculations. Mainly because you don't have to look at the bewigged grinning eejit. Admittedly, he does sing, which isn't pretty, but only during the credits, and you avoid (a) the tameness of his magic show, (b) the self-righteousness of his general TV appearances, (c) the false showbiz bohomie he projects like a second-rate Bob Monkhouse, and (d) Debbie McGee.   

       The correct punishment for Paul Daniels would of course be to make him disappear. Either that, or put him in a straightjacket, encase him in ice, ram several swords through him, dangle him from a tall crane, and set fire to his hairpiece. Now pick a card, you Tory bastard! And there's always the possibility that bankrolling Debbie McGee's new career as a ballerina will lead to bankrupcy, desititution and a job change for him as a male prostitute/gigolo.
pottedstu, Oct 01 2001

       bejesus, I'd forgotten about Wizbit. How frightening.
lewisgirl, Oct 01 2001

       I don't think I've seen a better idea on 1/2B. It's simple, it's fun for all the family, and best of all, it'll make Jamie Oliver too scared to make public appearances!   

       An altenative could be in the style of Capture the Flag 1st person shooters or Laser Quest. Take an irritating celeb and set them loose in the countryside. Then take say 5 members of the general public in two teams, one team of 3 has to shoot the celeb with a paintball gun, while the second team of 2 has to protect the celeb (although in the case of J.O., I can't see anyone wanting to be on this team). If a member of the hunting team gets shot by the protecting team, they're out of the game.   

       Probably needs some work, I've only just come up with it.
CoolerKing, Oct 01 2001

       yeah, let's take him paintballing and gang up on him at point blank range. Hey, let's do that for the next UK halfbakers' Convention!
lewisgirl, Oct 01 2001

       We should make him drink balsamic vinegar until his innards burst - and then run his corpse over with a fleet of scooters.
Redbrickterrace, Oct 01 2001

       How about wittling his bannisters to a razor edge. Then next time he slides down...
DrBob, Oct 01 2001

       Just because

(a) I'm nice,
(b) I don't watch too much TV so I don't run the risk of celebrity overexposure (What's the matter with you all? You don't have to watch Jamie Oliver),
(c) His recipes actually work and are pretty tasty,

I'm not going to croissant this idea. I do wish he'd avoid the mockney stuff though.
On a positive note I watched a Bagpuss video yesterday with my daughter. Brilliant children's TV - inventive and funny, with genuinely enjoyable music. I'd don't know why I'd never seen it before.
hippo, Oct 01 2001

       I can vouch for the fact that hippo really is nice.
DrBob, however...! That innocuous little sentence made me wince. And I think you meant whittling
lewisgirl, Oct 01 2001

       I stand corrected.
DrBob, Oct 01 2001

       How could one possibly argue with this idea? I say we initiate this as a full-scale Great Mockney Twat Hunt, targeting specifically all those would-be diamond geezers and pseudo-guvnors - Mr Oliver, of course, but also Handy Andy, Johnny Vaughan (Oh, how the mighty have fallen), etc.. Any celeb that uses the word 'cushtie' without having been born within the sound of Bow-Bells deserves a damn good thrashing, to my mind. I hesitate to encourage violence, but really... the more I hear the words "nice one, my son", the more I start to twitch.   

       I've grown rather fond of Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee since Louis Theroux's programme on them though. I thought they came across rather well.
Guy Fox, Oct 01 2001

       [hippo]: I have no problem with Oliver's recipes, I agree that they are pretty tasty. I just wish we didn't have to see so much of the most un-"pukka" mockney the world has seen since Dick Van Dyke.   

       A mate works for Sainsbury's and recently all their staff got asked how the company could be improved. He initiated a mass "get Oliver off the ads" campaign.   

       Also, when the man's on every frickin' advert break, it's pretty hard to avoid him.
CoolerKing, Oct 01 2001

       This would effectively be would be a celebrity TV version of SJG's Killer (see link).
Aristotle, Oct 02 2001

       Nooooooo, take him off the ads but leave him on the telly for a bit. He's a cheery little chappy.
Miss Weston Smith, Oct 02 2001

       I believe that's part of the problem.
-alx, Oct 02 2001

       Two words: Gilbert Gotfried.   

       The only problem is that the temptation to REALLY pull the trigger would be WAY too much to ask anyone to resist.
mwburden, Oct 03 2001

       Looks like my paintball TV show idea has already been baked only without Jamie Oliver as the target. X-Fire is pretty much what I described as far as I can see.
CoolerKing, Oct 03 2001

       Good news: there will be no fourth series of 'The Naked Chef'! Apparently, young Jamie has (finally) realized that people find him annoying, and also has made enough money to open his own restaurant.
angel, Oct 03 2001

       JO's own restaurant, shit that's a scarey thought. Mockney waiters... Puts you off your food just thinking about it. Send in the Krays! Train all the minor celebs as gladiators then sit back and watch them hack chunks out of each other before being finished off by the lions. (Hope I haven't posted this twice - computer's being an arse and confusing me!)
sven3012, Oct 03 2001

       <aside>angel: You made me so happy. So far today I've got rained on by a magic personal rainstorm, found a rotten apple in my rucksack, found my car insurance company is run by idiots (and I've not even got a car yet), had to hold 20 minutes just to ask my credit card people why they've *not* sent me a bill (long story), had a stale sandwich for lunch, my toilet won't flush, and I still need to phone my landlord to moan about my washing machine not working. But hearing the Naked Chef is no more makes up for it. If he can stop those Sainsbury's ads also.   

       Nice quiz too. I'm a little dubious as to its validity, because it doesn't find me annoying. But then again it never asked questions like "Are you capable of delivering a 10 minute rant against any celebrity whatsoever at the drop of a hat?" or "Do you tell the whole Internet about how your friend Rachel keeps leaving the toilet seat up, driving her flatmate insane?" Or are those endearing habits of mine?</aside>
pottedstu, Oct 03 2001, last modified Oct 04 2001

       the big-tongued bastard's back on telly next week! Hurrah!
love of carnage, Oct 04 2001

       Horrid. Tonight on TV, Jamie Oliver *and* Jim Davidson were on Parkinson (UK chatshow). When I briefly channel surfed over, Jamie was telling a hilarious "Ain't foreigners crazy" anecdote in prime 1970s chatshow style. Naturally, Jim Davidson, everyone's favourite foul-mouthed racist wifebeater turned top family entertainer was lapping it up. I actually hate Davidson far more than Oliver; JimD is evil but JamieO is merely misguided. Jamie O's new hairstyle is also hilariously funny. It takes the "bed head" style to new extremes of mess, though it's not quite as mullet-tastic as his previous do. Kill me now, also.   

       (Insert tasteless joke about hijacked plane crashing into BBC TV studio and Osama winning Nobel Peace Prize here.)
pottedstu, Oct 06 2001

       yeah, you'd think his butler would hand him a brush first thing wouldn't you? i'm so sorry i missed 'parky', as i would have loved to felt those veins on the side of my head throb with vigour!
love of carnage, Oct 11 2001

       Personally you're all right pukka tossers who in a kitchen couldn't tell the difference between a spoon and a saucepan at least Jamie has combined qualities of looks, cooking, personality and cleans up for himself which is more than i can say for most of you blokes out there!!!! Quit slagging off someone who is always gonna be better than any of you low class common scum i'd like to see you all get off your arse's and write three best selling books and a big hit in america we'll be waiting to see the results but doubtful it will ever happen in our lifetime
pukka, Jan 09 2002

       [pottedstu, and most other people here] Watching television isn't compulsory - instead of masochistically watching people you know you don't like and then coming here to whinge about how painful it was for you, just turn it off.
hippo, Jan 09 2002

       To avoid Jamie Oliver, the only solution is (1) Don't watch commercial television, because he's in half the adverts. (2) Don't watch the BBC because he's in half the trailers, and most of the programs. (3) Don't open a newspaper or magazine because his cheeky grin's within.
pottedstu, Jan 09 2002

       I like this one!!! Get rid of the mockney cubba tongued arse-greasing toe-rag!!!
Turkish, Jan 09 2002

       Personally I think Jamie Oliver is great, but there are a lot of "celebrities" that do give me the irrits.....my solution....turn off the tv, mute the ads, or skip the pages.........life is too short to waste negative energy on someone or something you can't control....
Dax, Jan 10 2002

       Flambe the mockney fool....
veitchy, Jan 10 2002

       [admin]: spam removed.
mrbiscuit, Oct 03 2002

       You talking to me, UnaBubba?   

       All I did was *think* that neither "Jill" nor "Dando" is a word...
Loris, Oct 03 2002

       The people who I feel genuinely sorry for are the Individuals who are so hard-strapped for cash that they decide to seek employment as a "Jamie Oliver Hired Mate", (Note: there's quite a high turnover in the Sainsbury's "Lifestyle" Adverts).   

       It would be nice to see one of them disappear half -way through a Cooked Breakfast and Oliver follows them through into the bathroom with a plateful of untalented Bacon and eggs to find they've Disembowelled themselves as ameans of coping, then Oliver says " never mind my old Apples and Pairs, I'll give the Agency a Tinkle Tomorrow, plenty more where you came from me old malarky.
the dude's assisstant, Aug 25 2003

       >for example Noel Edmonds's Gotcha Oscars   

       didn't noel edmond get dupped by that comedian <forgot name> about a deadly new drug called cake, he didn't seem to happy - miserable twat. add noel E to the celebs to be (nearly) killed
wobbly, Aug 26 2003

       lovely jubbly. However i think the game show should be structured the other way round.J.O tries to poison us by licking his fingers then mixing the salad. Ohh i forgot.. that already happens.
phlegm, Oct 18 2003

       Ok. As if there weren't enough reasons to hate this twat, here's another. I saw today a book published by him called Jamie Confidential. It's a standard story of his rise to fame. The content, fonts, graphics, design and style of the book have been shamelessly nicked from Anthony Boudain's acclaimed "Kitchen Confidential". Now Anthony Bourdain is a guy I respect, a true character and individual. A real gourmet chef who's seen it all. It charts his rise from potwash to Executive Chef and the tale is told in relentless fashion with sharp dry wit, vicious humour and a real edge. I am insulted that this gobby shit has so blatently plagarised the work of a REAL chef. One of the reviews on the back cover of Kitchen Confidential states : "Exposes Jamie Oliver for the choirboy he is...." Nuff said, really.
rinse, Aug 06 2004

       Good idea except replace 'Jamie' with 'Andy' and 'Oliver' with 'McDowell'.
not_only_but_also, Oct 08 2004


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