Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Laser cut pizza

add creativity to the slicing up of a pizza.
  (+25, -5)(+25, -5)(+25, -5)
(+25, -5)
  [vote for,

Instead of the greasy man standing behind the counter, dripping sweat into the pizza you are about to consume, as he slices it to bits; a laser cutting machine (similar to those already used for precision steel cutting etc.) cuts the pizza into neat, geometrically pure wedges. Accurate to 0.0125mm (1/2000th of an inch).

This avoids any lingering bitterness, bickering or argumentative language often used in pizza disputes.

Furthermore, you could set up the pizza store so that you emailed your pizza order through to the store. Attached to the email could be an AutoCAD (DXF) file containing the shapes/patterns etc. that you want the pizza to be cut into. An auto reply could be generated giving you an approximate time to pick up the pizza depending on how busy the pizza store is. This also reassured the customer that the order has been received.

This allows endless freedom of pizza cutting and allows the eater to have total creative control over the outcome.

cucaracha, Aug 14 2001

Domino's Pizza vs. Armor Plating http://www.ecst.csu...izza/pizzaburn.html
Cutting through a 1/4 inch mild-steel plate with an oxyacetylene cutting torch: 3 seconds. Cutting through Domino's Pizza from the crust side: 8 seconds. From the cheese side: 28 seconds. [jutta, Aug 14 2001]

Pizza Satellite http://www.halfbake...a/Pizza_20Satellite
A half-bakery classic - the pizza satellite delivery system. [Aristotle, Aug 14 2001]

Similar idea to angel's annotation http://www.absurdnotions.org/page24.html
Only analog. [Uncle Nutsy, Aug 14 2001]

Interactive Tangram http://www.tangram.i-p.com/
Manipulate your tangram-sliced pizza online. [mino, Aug 14 2001]


       Your AutoCAD file could also specify the placing of the toppings. That way your anchovies don't get mixed up with the pineapple except for the slice intended for the pregnant person. You could combine a 'normal' pizza with a dessert pizza (qv), like a Cornish Pasty, and know that each slice will be one or the other, but you won't get pepperoni and cherries on the same slice unless you want to.
angel, Aug 14 2001

       A slice of genius. This could also be installed in pizza satellite delivery networks (see link).
Aristotle, Aug 14 2001

       Using a laser to cut a pizza just seemed like overkill to me until I read on to the AutoCAD file part. Sheer brilliance, cucaracha. There are far more interesting shapes for pizza bits than plain old wedges. How about cutting the pizza out as a plan of a cuboid (what's the term? 'exploded' view? can't remember), so you could construct a 3D calzone?   

       A croissant from me, without hesitation.
Guy Fox, Aug 14 2001

       Much as I hate to butt in on all this back slapping, wouldn't a laser hot enough to cut pizza also char the edges to perdition?
gravelpit, Aug 14 2001

       Now that you've thought out of the box (pizza box in this case) go a step further...why use a laser when other cutting tools will do. What about high pressure, i.e., sand blasting tools, except in place of sand use corn meal. Another possible cutter attached to X-Y axis control arms for use with AutoCAD could be a retooled torch maybe even a nozzle using something as commonly available as natural gas. Laser is overkill, albeit cool. Day of the lightsaber is still a bit off, though. All this said, I'd order my pizza with lots of cool shapes like stars, moons, clovers, diamonds, hearts....
munkeylunk, Aug 14 2001

       The laser should be able to eliminate the phenomenon of cheese pull, where an unclean cut of cheese holds on to the rest of the pizza, causing all the cheese and toppigngs to pull off the slice.
EvoketheTiger, Aug 14 2001

       The laser should be able to eliminate the phenomenon of cheese pull, where an unclean cut of cheese holds on to the rest of the pizza, causing all the cheese and toppings to pull off the slice.
EvoketheTiger, Aug 14 2001

       I wanna know what can be done with my garlic bread.
-alx, Aug 14 2001

       As I understand, Laser cutting(of steel etc.) still uses compressed air, to blast through the oxidised material, much the same as plasma cutting. This might exagerate the cheese pull effect, (one of my personal bugbears). I am a traditionalist on the pizza wedge front, but love the autoCAD idea. I stand to be corrected.
March Hare, Aug 14 2001

       At the risk of sounding like a dick, I beleive that the water-jet cutting process requires the addition of long chain polymer molecules to the water to keep it stable at such high pressures. What about long chain cheese molecules?
March Hare, Aug 14 2001

       i think the cheese pull issue is a concern - this had been considered, but my conclusion was that it would be no better or worse than conventional cutting methods. i think cheese pull is generally caused by the mutual attraction of cheese particles - and is effectively a re-merging of the fermented curd. if there was any charring, it could only be a few microns worth. but the real proof of this is when dudes get sliced up or shot by a laser in the movies it looks like an ordinary gunshot wound.
cucaracha, Aug 16 2001

       Hey, who cut the cheese?
thumbwax, Aug 16 2001

       [cucaracha] Oh, well if you've seen it in the movies it must be scientifically accurate. We'll talk some more when I get back from Isla Sorna.
gravelpit, Aug 16 2001

       Large Fiorentina with Penrose tiling please.
hippo, Aug 16 2001

       I would like mine cut and rearranged into a moebius pizza, so that I can have toppings on both sides please.
PotatoStew, Aug 17 2001

       Yup, gotta love the CAD plans for the pizza. How about cutting it into a puzzle shape, to be assembled by the consumer? Note that an eximer (sp?) laser could be used to cut the pizza. Short pulses would vaporize without charring. Similar to the lasers used for eye surgery.
JustinGough, Aug 17 2001

       I immediately thought of high-pressure water jet cutting when I saw this half-baked idea, but who wants a soggy pizza? How about a high-pressure tomato sauce cutter?   

       I also like the .dxf file showing the placement of toppings. Anyone ever been to a printed circuit board manufacturer and seen the pick-and-place machines? I'm getting hungry for the perfect pizza just thinking about it.
MotoMannequin, Aug 19 2001

       Oops... sorry waug. You're right, of course. That's what I meant, I just said it very ineptly. Gotta brush up on my Moebuis-speak.
PotatoStew, Aug 19 2001

       bother! Count me out, gents. As former pizza cutter extraordinaire, I can assure you all that the highest point of my evening (aside from tips) was cutting random, dissimilar pieces of pizza, sometimes you'd get 9 pieces, sometimes 13, with cheese-pull and all, as fast as possible, and doing it in front of the other employees. I was really, *really* fast, and I'd make sure to have one perfectly centered drizzle of greasy sweat on every piece. Then we'd all laugh about the poor guy who gets to eat it. hahah... such fun we had.
absterge, Aug 19 2001

       Can I get a Klein-calzone?
wiml, Aug 20 2001

       Of course, we could make them tall, thin, cylinders with a slight slope... the Leaning Tower of Piz-<hook round neck drags Guy Fox off stage-left>
Guy Fox, Aug 20 2001

       Someone once asked Cecil Adams what the purpose of the Leaning Tower was. It was supposed to be, and actually is, a bell tower.   

       Someone else suggested they should remove the bells and put in a clock instead. Why? "It's no good having the inclination if you don't have the time."
StarChaser, Aug 20 2001

       [JustinGough: How about cutting it into a puzzle shape, to be assembled by the consumer? ]   

       I like this. If applied to the 'slab'-type pizza (e.g. square or rectangular, rather than round), you could go one better, and cut them into tangrams (see link).   

       Rearrange your pizza into a dog, a sailboat, a cat...   

       Variable-size shapes might be a problem for equitable distribution, but given the pieces are 1/4, 1/8, 1/16 etc. of the total pizza some interesting distribution options present themselves.
mino, Aug 24 2001

       [mino] in regards to the tangrams. all i can hear when i imagine this are the words "stop playing with your food" spoken harshly by thousands of unsuspecting parents who have lived in a age when pizza was too good to play with, and was devoured immediately. this is a deep and insightful sociological critique. thank you master.
cucaracha, Aug 24 2001

       Fab idea, maybe the delivery boy on his bike could carry a portable laser cutter. He or she would have to pass strict exams though to obtain a licence to cut with such a laser wand. Could be a dangerous tool in the wrong hands, needs strict regulation. Would need to use a specially made portable Pizza jig for accurate cutting. I doubt the free hand method would guarantee the precision required to cut within 0.0125mm (1/2000th of an inch) accuracy. Colour co-ordinated safety goggles and protective clothing should be a serious consideration as part of a corporate themed uniform.
DaveSt, Aug 24 2001

       Eliminate the sweat and you've lost the 'secret ingredient.'
RayfordSteele, Feb 15 2002

       I think that the cheese pull situation could be neatly solved by simply increasing the power and width of the laser beam. If you cut through the pizza and the bottom of the box at the same time, the cheese drips out through the bottom of the box instead of congealing back together again. Of course you might want to make sure that the "drainage slits" do not traverse the entire length of the box to prevent the pizza falling through the bottom.
dangerousdan, Feb 16 2002

       Would there be some sort of program used during the ordering process by which you could enter in important factors such as: Who wants what toppings; What toppings can border other toppings; How much of the pizza gets topped with what (likely by amount each person pays in).   

       It's not so much for me though, I'm a plain cheese man.
cpt kangarooski, Feb 16 2002

       Hmm... I came up with a design awhile ago for cutting large pizzas into 24 or 30 pieces in such a way that no acute angle is less than 30 degrees, but every piece has the same area and the same amount of crust (note: not all pieces are the same shape nor the same length). Wonder if this system could cut it?
supercat, Feb 16 2002


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