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Lathed Christmas Trees

Less exciting than it sounds
  [vote for,

Ho ho ho.

The combined efforts of several industries, including metal refining, press-forming, spot welding and powder coating have managed to produce near-perfect Christmas tree holders. The example in the Buchanan household is a sort of vertical cylindrical cup supported on three ornate legs. The base of the Christmas tree sits in the cup, and three screws then clamp the tree radially.

Sadly, arboriculture has not kept pace with developments in Christmas tree holder technology. The stumpy end of the Buchanan tree is quite inconsiderately non-cylindrical.

This leads to difficulties.

Would it be too much trouble, therefore, to run the bottom ends of all Christmas trees through a device which (a) makes them evenly cylindrical and (b) reduces them to the nearest whole-inch diameter? Then, the tree holders could be produced in standard diameters to snugly accommodate one's chosen yuletide tree,

MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 08 2012

Not related Xmas tree ideas http://webecoist.mo...ve-christmas-trees/
[JesusHChrist, Dec 09 2012]


       What about the xylem? The phloem? I am concerned that your intemperate lathing would damage xylem and phloem, rendering the tree unable to quench its thirst from the water reservoir which is a componentof that tree stand. Your tree would dry out and be much less able to withstand the home-made light-strings and smoldering butt-ends which might be flung about the household.
bungston, Dec 08 2012

       You could however grow the trees with a clamp around their trunk which would keep a standard diameter easily enough.   

       // I am concerned that your intemperate lathing would damage xylem and phloem, rendering the tree unable to quench its thirst//   

       It would not damage the xylem or the phloem - it would obliterate them.   

       However, what we are looking at here is a 15ft piece of treeery which has been sawn off at the ankles, stuck in a lorry for a couple of days, driven to a Christmas Tree Emporium, and propped up against a wall on concrete slabs for the better part of a week.   

       Frankly, I don't believe that such a traumatized tree is going to be imbibing anything, xylem or no xylem, with the exception of a deep draught of irony at the thought that Christmas is meant to be a celebration of birth.   

       There is probably a market for a Christmas tree pressurizer which can deliver water to the stump at a pressure of several thousand p.s.i., to overcome the air which will have infiltrated the xylem. Such a device would also be capable of launching the tree to a considerable altitude when the clamps were released after Christmas.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 08 2012

       //Maybe just drill a small hole and provide a spike at the bottom of the cylinder//   

       There would be some fearsome stresses involved, both on the spike and on the tree, which might split if it were trying to lean to one side with the rigid spike inside the bored hole.   

       Moreover, a Christmas tree with a hole drilled in the base looks less engineeringy than one with a beautifully lathed base.   

       I do like the screw thread idea. I suspect that growing a tree in such a clamp would entail some fearsome forces, but the thread could be carved after the fact.   

       I honestly doubt that a cut tree stood in water takes up anything much, with or without its outer layers intact.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 09 2012

       It's not Christmas yet.
pocmloc, Dec 09 2012

       Maybe it would be more in the spirit of christmas to soak the base of the trunk in superheated steam for a few hours, softening it to the point where it could be molded into the desired shape.
bungston, Dec 09 2012

       //I suspect that growing a tree in such a clamp would entail some fearsome forces// Not really. A band of steel a few mm thick can easily restrict and shape the growth of a tree trunk. It's something of a myth that growing trees can exert very large forces.
spidermother, Dec 09 2012

       Have you been growing square trees again?
TomP, Dec 09 2012

       Was that a lucky guess? I did try to grow a square poplar once. It blew over before it was finished (I learned that you have to guy them), but the bottom section was square.
spidermother, Dec 09 2012


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