Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Mummy Smoker Home Unit

Cremation is so 20th century
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Just like the funeral industrial complex’s cremation furnaces, the Mummy Smoker delivers a perfect char every time. But that’s not all! The Mummy Smoker Home Unit can be set for everything from a NovaPro Total Ash Job to a Bentham Smoke-&-Pose, the latter being very popular with philosophers and intellectuals.

The price for a traditional Pickle-&-Plant is exorbitant, what with boxes and limousines, and a formerly affordable Budget Burn-&-Urn is going out of sight. What happened to the family plot? Uncle Reg out back next to Rex the Alsatian and Baby Louie was kind of comforting and handy for paying respect. What happened was the Health Department and Police, in cahoots with the Funeral Industrial Complex, the Cemetery Combine, and the Gravediggers’ Cabal. Break free of the tyranny of Death! Kinda.

Die at home and that’s just the beginning of a very disappointing process. Not for you, of course. God forbid there was something a bit off about your demise and you might spend a month or two in a cold drawer. Not cold for you, of course.

Eliminate the middle man! Dress, appoint, coif and pose your loved one right at home in the perfect position and attitude, and forever fix that memory in reality, albeit somewhat drier and semitransparent. The unit breaks down for easy storage and is ready in minutes when needed. A perfect Bentham S-&-P takes 5 days assuming all goes well and takes about 40 lbs off the usual appearance but can be compensated with costume and location. {In very rare situations the subject is left too long in the MSHU and becomes “Doritified” or Guanajuatoed (link).}

My personal choice is to be Applewood Smoked-&-Posed at my computer in my terrycloth robe, finishing off the last half of a croissant and deeply engrossed in the process of adding an idea that escaped me in life.

minoradjustments, Feb 09 2024

Uncle Morty gone wrong https://en.wikipedi...mmies_of_Guanajuato
Pay up or dry out. [minoradjustments, Feb 09 2024]

[link]






       I always thought exposure excarnation was a superior method. Low impact, low maintenance, the all round sustainable eco-friendly solution.
pocmloc, Feb 10 2024
  

       I heard recently they're running out of vultures for that.
pertinax, Feb 11 2024
  

       Ravens, seagulls, mice, rats, flies, its a free for all.
pocmloc, Feb 11 2024
  
      
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