Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Penetrative porn

Like a ninja of porn, or a sexy ghost sliding through your bedroom wall
(+1, -1)
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Being a healthy young female porn user who likes a flutter ‘down below’ at least five times a day, you can imagine my frustration when I spent a few days at my mum and dad’s for Christmas last year - only to discover they had a powerful porn filter installed in their WIFI connection. (The default setting of course: Mum and dad would rather spend the rest of their short lives in a porno desert than let the Sky guy think they liked looking at bare bottoms. But it raised the question, a revolting one to think about, but a question nonetheless- how were mum and dad getting their own Jizz jollies? I knew dad had spent a lot of time recently carefully restoring an old zoetrope of a man mounting a horse- surely it couldn’t have been... adapted?)

Anyway, put that out of your head, and consider instead me hunting voraciously for monster cock movies, boner-thons and cum extravaganzas, but finding all I could get were a few horrible and very still pictures of penile surgery, a lot of chlamydia bar charts, and some sex offenders on death row. (Was the ISP trying to throw a bucket of cold water over me? Well, it was working)

Being decidedly non-technical I didn’t know where to start to get this embargo lifted, short of asking mum and dad, which was clearly out of the question. (They are both prone to heart fibrillation). Even using my own initiative and googling “ how to get around a porn filter” only landed me back at the dreaded blank screen, (the Shield was as cagey as an old school ma’am) and face to face with a Christmas of cold turkey.

And then I remembered! The SPECIAL PORNOGRAPHIC EMERGENCY RESOURCE TANK (SPERT)! Set up for just this kind of emergency! SPERT is special, as the first letter tells you. SPERT is an emergency resource tank. (Which means it’s a website, but T was better for the ackronym.) SPERT is a not as good as the transporter beam in Star Trek, but more practicable and far ruder, bringing delicious eye candy through impenetrable barriers to where you need it most.( Actually, it’s more like the time transporter in Terminator, as they are nude.) Given a choice between SPERT and other things beginning with capital S like Scientology, I know I’d pick SPERT any day.

If you’ve ever seen so-called bistable imagery like the famous illustration “what’s on a man’s mind” attributed to the great Sigmund Freud, you’ll know how SPERT works.

For anyone who hasn’t seen it, it’s a picture of Freud’s face in profile, innocuous enough at first glance. But look only a little harder and suddenly “fwwooargh!” - you see that the top part of Freud’s head is made of a reclining nude lady and his eyebrow is actually fashioned from her fluffy pubes. Can you see where this is headed? Well, famous though it is, this pen and ink picture alone is hardly enough to get the juices cascading, but a little bit of technical wizardry later, the portrait of Sigmund has been updated, so that the lady on his forehead is not just reclining, now she is getting plenty of hard-core attention from a man on top of her. And no mere line drawings but fully fledged live action video, with actual porn stars. (Or it could be hentai I suppose) This makes Freud’s forehead look a bit odd when you look at it now, with all this action going on in front of his nose, leading to his pince nez falling off and his eyes popping out of his head. In fact he doesn’t look much like Freud anymore, more like hmm.. a Clingon twitching quite a lot? But who cares? The main thing is computers can’t see the porn: they can only see the dear face of Freud/Worf! Break open the brandy butter! The Sky Barrier is broken! And that’s the story of how Christmas was saved.

DDRopDeadly, Nov 30 2017

Not The 9 O'Clock News, "The Ayatollah Song" https://www.youtube...watch?v=8iPgOBoqsaQ
Apropos hippo's quote. [DrBob, Feb 05 2018]


       You may want to google " bubbling ", which is a form of artistic interpretation similar to what you describe.   

       Basically all but the bare bits are blocked out, allowing the viewer to imagine that they're seeing more than they really are.
normzone, Nov 30 2017

       I did look up bubbling, so far only found being the skill of “weeing in ones own mouth” - I need to try harder obviously. I mean I need to look harder for your kind of bubbling
DDRopDeadly, Nov 30 2017

       Your idea is interesting, IT and I give your anno a bun. But it is an invisible bun, as you said “ balls “ about my stuff before, and anyway I don’t know if you can bun an anno
DDRopDeadly, Nov 30 2017

       //Jesus H Christ This is filth, utter utter filth//   

       Those very words have been written here more often than you know.   

       Have you considered just taking a USB stick with you when you visit your parents?
MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 30 2017

       p.s. I meant to plug into your computer.
MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 30 2017

       THANKYOU MB //being decidedly non technical // I didn’t think of that. Then suddenly I did think of that. And discovered I had an iPad which didn’t accept these sticks
DDRopDeadly, Nov 30 2017

       My gut is telling me that DD is not female.   

       Sp. Klingon   

       Carry on ...
pertinax, Dec 01 2017

       Damn, and I was so sure I could pass as a woman and a Trekkie! How hard could it be? But cover blown. And they say Sherlock never existed
DDRopDeadly, Dec 01 2017

       You shouldn't have yielded so easily. I was enjoying the lack of continuity in your gender, like some kind of split personality disorder, but a charming one.
mitxela, Dec 02 2017

       I began to worry how you were mentally flipping my gender back and fore, mitexla, causing me to strobe into a virtual hermaphrodite, like an abstract version of IT’s porn feed. This had to stop for your own sanity. And your dude-wife was getting upset
DDRopDeadly, Dec 03 2017

       Ps I was just being silly mitxela, about you having a dude- wife (in case I offended you. ) Hopefully I didn’t but, you know.. these long online silences..   

       You know when people are not around and a little email bounces back “so and so is not in the office”. You could have this in annos so nervous people feel reassured. Like “mitxela is not around right now but he’s almost certainly not offended by any thing you could have said, you lovely person.”
DDRopDeadly, Dec 03 2017

       and.. OH HELL .. to all you hermaphrodite dude wives,I didn’t mean to imply people must be offended by being called blurred lady-dudes. If only we could all please ourselves like you can
DDRopDeadly, Dec 03 2017

       Sorry... just .. sorry to everyone. Except the Ayatollah
DDRopDeadly, Dec 03 2017

       {Adjusts turban, strokes beard}
pertinax, Dec 03 2017

       Ayatollah this was a bad idea.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 03 2017

       In my gut there is an endeavor.
Of bacteriums who wish for forever.
Yet none of this fakery,
In this half bakery
Just a shitload of bad puns, whenever.
mylodon, Dec 05 2017

       <NTNOCN>"Oh Ayatollah! Won't you Khomeni closer?" </NTNOCN>
hippo, Dec 05 2017

       This idea almost got me in trouble at school the other month.   

       I was in a web development class, and I suggested to the instructor (for that's what they're called at this school) to load up the Halfbakery as an example. This idea was listed on the frontpage, and he closed it as soon as he noticed. Fortunately, the purpose of the example had already been served. Actually, I got off really easy—a few classmates went to the site to see what the problem was, but I don't think they stuck around at all, and now they probably think it's a porn site.   

       Anyway, you need a VPN—tell your parents you need it to connect to your work/school network—or an iPad Camera Connection Kit, which enables connection of lots of USB things to an iPad, not just cameras (though I think that was only made for the 30-pin iPads, but [IT] seems to have an alternative that might work for Lightning iPads, not just iPads Pro).   

       And I don't think your idea would work (and neither would bubbling or steganography or two-part images, if the filter creator felt like blocking them). Porn filters, AFAIK, usually just have a manually created list of blocked sites rather than using AI to recognize what you're looking at. (If they used AI only, they would be bypassable by HTTPS.)
notexactly, Feb 03 2018

       How about a little garter belt with attached USB stick, loaded with favourites. The mind is a powerful instrument.
wjt, Feb 03 2018

       There isn't Lightning to Ethernet, or even Lightning to Thunderbolt? (I don't know how the latter would work, because Thunderbolt is based on PCIe, but it would be cool in a meteorological way. Thunderbolt to Lightning would be feasible, I imagine, but that's backward.)
notexactly, Feb 03 2018

       ... and exciting.
wjt, Feb 05 2018

       //Mum and dad would rather spend the rest of their short lives in a porno desert than let the Sky guy think they liked looking at bare bottoms.//

Granted that the scenario is entirely fictional but even so, anyone who is using Sky for their internet connection is clearly already living in a desert of the imagination so I doubt that they would even know that there is such a thing as filtering. You judge them too harshly, these fictional parents of yours.
DrBob, Feb 05 2018


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