Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Petrol-Driven Cheese Grater

Because hand-powered ones just aren't enough...
  (+9, -4)
(+9, -4)
  [vote for,

The Grater is hidden from sight, waiting, concealed behind the door of a wall-mounted kitchen cupboard. To those who are not aware of its presence, the cupboard would seem to be the resting place of many innocent dishes, but the only feature that sets the cabinet housing the Grater apart from the other cabinets is a small, iron chute, a span in diameter, descending from the cupboard floor, ending above the counter. The Grater is capitalized for dramatic effect.

So has been established the location of the Grater, now will be established the function; the Grater grates cheese.

The owner of the Grater is a person faced with a dilemma, a problem of how to spread a block of cheese over his tuna casserole. The owner of the Grater, as he owns a Grater, knows the solution to the problem. He quickly dashes over to his Grater-concealing cabinet and, with humble respect, opens the door.

He reveals the Grater. He gazes upwards in awe. He notes the Vespa-sized gasoline engine at the upper portion of the cabinet, shining in its suit of polished and well-maintained chrome, the lesser starter motor, and the hand pedal mechanism to generate the energy for it. He notes also the lower half of the cabinet and the machinery entwined in it as intricately as a spider's silken web; the silver windlass, the blower motor, the hoist rope, the elevator platform, the funnel below,the drop platform, and the magnificent row of gleaming, counterrotating blades, placed very near each other, each as sharp as a razor and as long as a scythe. The blades are hooded by an arched piece of steel.

The awestrucken user lowers the block of cheese onto the elevator platform and winches it up with the windlass, which emits a satisfying click every centimeter that it hoists. The elevator reaches the drop platform and lets off the cheese. He places plate under the chute and reaches up to the hand-pedal to start getting up electricity for the starter. He gives it thirty spins, and flips a red switch on the starter.

A tiny whirring starts, soon dwarved by the insane roaring of the engine, followed by the dazzling spinning of the blades at 7000 RPM. The exhaust is pumped up through a chute and released into the sky with a semi truck-style steam flap for the neighbors to see. Nothing else can by heard to the user, and he soon finds himself cackling maniacally in the uproar. He pulls a chain, which releases the platform on which the cheese is resting and it falls into the blades, being shreded into perfectly fine peices which are swept deeper into the machinery by the blades. Any rogue shreds are guided downward by the hood.

It is at this point that the blower motor is engaged, using a propeller to pump air out of tiny holes lining every inner surface of the funnel and chute. The cheese falls into the funnel and the thrust of the fan lets the shreds glide gently downward without sticking to the sides. The Grater's devices slowly stop and reset. The engine stops its roaring and slows; the windlass disengages and the elevator falls back to the counter. The madman's cheese grating ecstasy is almost over. A small pile of finely shredded cheese falls neatly into a pile on his plate. The blower motor comes to a stop and it is over.

He shuts the cabinet. He has his cheese. He has his casserole.

jellydoughnut, Aug 12 2006

Automatic Cheese Grater http://www.comforth...m/saecmagcapco.html
[DrCurry, Aug 14 2006]

Petrol powered cheese slicer http://images.amazo...ZZ_V1094233184_.jpg
Real men slice their cheese properly. [DrBob, Aug 17 2006]

I was thinking blades like this http://photos1.blog...26/1600/cheese2.jpg
[jellydoughnut, Aug 17 2006]

Sketch of Grater http://photos1.blog...6/1600/Cheese.0.jpg
Lower half of Grater with parts removed for better view [jellydoughnut, Aug 17 2006, last modified Aug 18 2006]

A Seussical version http://i52.photobuc...ttom/cheesesuse.jpg
[jellydoughnut, Aug 17 2006]

gas powered blender http://www.uncrate....-blender-000875.php
I was looking for one in particular that was powered by a 454-CI big block Chevy, seen in a magazine years ago, but this one is probly sufficient. [Hunter79764, Aug 17 2006]

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       He then spends two hours cleaning the infernal contraption. Oh, ok, a cheese covered bun from me.
Galbinus_Caeli, Aug 13 2006

       "Where's Jimmy? I thought he was next to the Grater. I wonder where he could be."   

       That was her last coherent thought for the night as she reconized the liquid dripping from the Grater as BLOOD. (cue music: Dun Da Dunnn!) Jimmy had been sucked up into the machine when reaching for a pepper from the pepperjack cheese he was grating when his sleeve got caught in the razor sharp blades spinning at 7000 rpm.   

       He was such a nice boy. They had fallen in love even after that silly little mess he'd made of things at the supermarket, what with the ludicrous conveyer belt and the spoons being attached to his face and all. Poor, poor Jimmy. Now Jimmy was dead, no more Jimmy. Jimmy should have stayed away from fast moving machinery.   

       Well, he won't be doing that again, you can bet on that.
NotTheSharpestSpoon, Aug 14 2006

       You are so dramatic [NTSS]. At 7000 rpm chances are the arm would have been ripped right off, saving Jimmy's life but requiring some stitches and a tetanus jab.
methinksnot, Aug 14 2006

       //Any rogue shreds are guided downward by the hood.//   

       I am not being dramatic!! Did you forget about the rogue shreds like, oh,I don't know, Jimmy's body?! I thought so.
NotTheSharpestSpoon, Aug 14 2006

       "A cheese grater powered by a petrol engine" might have gained a vote; the director's cut of War and Peace just gets ignored. I almost miss Jim.
angel, Aug 14 2006

       Why does my cheese taste of 2-stroke motor oil?
st3f, Aug 14 2006

       Arthur was an inquisitve lad. From a very young age he had started gleefully taking things apart with no knowledge or intent of ever putting them back together. This drove his parents to the very brink of their patience. First, they had discovered Arthur's baby monitor in a hundred pieces under his crib. Later, Dad came across the snow blower scattered across their back yard, and the neighbour's back yard as well.   

       Today was by far the worst. Mother came into the kitchen, savouring a grilled cheese sandwich, and when she opened the Grater cabinet door she was shocked to find a pile of shiny metal parts, greasy gear assemblies, tangled hoist ropes, and a pool of light-duty motor oil. Arthur had dismantled the Grater. Mother muttered under her breath "Why didn't I get the extended warranty?" as she took Arthur by the hand and placed him in the patented child restraint system.   

       The child restraint system was a velcro bodysuit designed to fit the child. The bodysuit would then allow the child to be stuck to a "web" of bungee cords that extend from floor to ceiling, with the child anchored in the centre, safe from harm, out of mischief, and well within view.
Canuck, Aug 14 2006

       All I need now is some automatic cheese. [+]
zen_tom, Aug 14 2006

       This is really grating.
baconbrain, Aug 14 2006

       Sounds to me like you've been watching too much Fargo.
DrCurry, Aug 14 2006

       + //he soon finds himself cackling maniacally in the uproar// I would too!
Zimmy, Aug 14 2006

       I wish I could have thought up a more descriptive title, as automatic chese graters are already baked, but I was imagining something along the lines of a wood chipper with less torque and sharper blades.   

       [phlish], if you're trying to grate bree, you really don't deserve any. Soft cheese is not for grating, but spreading.   

       (illustration pending)
jellydoughnut, Aug 15 2006

       The CheeseMaster 125?
But, wait! Not only is The Grater a master of cheese, look what it does to Apples, Pears, Onions, Potatoes ... You name it, It'll Grate it! (just look what it does to this aluminium can!)

       [jellydoughnut] I'm not confident that Automatic Cheese Grater in the link will really grate semi-soft cheese. I saw a review that indicated it was absolutely great for parmesan, but not as good for softer stuff.   

       I have a hand grater that works mechanically by the same principle, but cheddar gumms up the rotating grating bit.   

       AND... If you act now we'll throw in the electric cleaning element! Just take the element, screw it into the threads on the food chute, add a cup of vinegar, a tablespoon of baking soda, two quarts of water, plug it in & viola! In 20 min's unplug and empty. Your CheeseMaster 125 is Clean as the Cleavers!
Zimmy, Aug 15 2006

       Two CO2 canisters on either side of the cabinet. They are activated and used up as the Grater is working, instantly cooling, hardening, and blasting any cheese off the funnel/chute. It also makes the cheese harder for better shredding. Just wait for cheese to warm up and return original consistency at room temperature and replace canisters.   

       How about that?
jellydoughnut, Aug 15 2006

       Clever, [jelly].
baconbrain, Aug 16 2006

       You forgot the ear protectors for the sonic boom from the blade tips.

2 x pi is just over 6 and 6 x 16 is 96 so if the blades are 16cm long, then 2 x pi x r comes out at 1 metre. At 7000rpm then the ends of the blades will travel at 7000m/s substantially greater than the speed of sound in air which is about 340m/s
hippo, Aug 17 2006

       [+] for a fun idea. I want one. However "hand pedal" makes no sense.   

       Handle = hand operated   

       Pedal = foot operated   

       hand pedal = hand AND foot operated? Someone who has a hand in place of a foot operated?   

       Also, when you spin it, where is the electricity stored? why not have a cranking handle or pull-starter?   


webfishrune, Aug 17 2006

       Err, DrBob, your link is to an image of an electric chainsaw so how can it be a petrol powered cheese slicer?
webfishrune, Aug 17 2006

       I thought it was a breadknife.
st3f, Aug 17 2006


       Sorry, I probably used the wrong word for it. I was thinking of those pedals used on personal pedal powered watercraft, but that would be turned with one's hands.   

       I'm not to good with matters of circutry. When I wrote it, I assumed that electricity could be stored somewhere in the generator. Maybe a capacitor. If I'm wrong, I'd change it to a pull starter, which I also thought about.   

       Sonic boom, eh? That should be fun...enhance the cheese grating experience. Even so, I never specified that the blades were a meter. I imagined about the length of a scythe blade, not the scythe staff.   

       Great link, DrBob.
jellydoughnut, Aug 17 2006

       I'd hate to do away with the star of the show, but wouldn't the energy gained from thirty cranks of the hand operated foot pedal be enough to shred the cheese without the IC engine?
egbert, Aug 17 2006

       Sshhhh!!! You'll take all the fun out of it. Sure, thirty cranks *could* do the job, but then why would we need the engine? Bet you nver thought about that!
jellydoughnut, Aug 17 2006

       //Sonic boom, eh? That should be fun.//   

       At that speed I would imagine you would make cheese puree, or melted cheese.   

       I reckon add some gearing, slow it down a bit. Also, choose a smaller motor. Maybe a 6cc model aircraft motor or maybe even smaller would be plenty. They have enough torque, I know, when I was young one took a chunk out of my hand! - A big, hospital-requiring chunk. I almost severed the main tendon to my thumb. If I had done I would have lost all movement in it!
webfishrune, Aug 17 2006

       [webfishrune] A 6cc engine with plastic blades did that?
Zimmy, Aug 17 2006

       [webfishrune]- Jimmy? Are you my little Jimmy? He lives, he lives! Oh blessed be the saint of bread rolls, he lives!
NotTheSharpestSpoon, Aug 17 2006

       If you're looking to puree the cheese, this might do... [link]
Hunter79764, Aug 17 2006

       Illustration (links).
jellydoughnut, Aug 17 2006


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