Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Re-route your urethra

Why does the pleasure stick need to be a source of biohazard?
  (+15, -27)(+15, -27)(+15, -27)
(+15, -27)
  [vote for,

More complex than a vasectomy, but infinitely more effective and versatile. The urethra gets redirected somewhere else and the hole in the end of one's penis sealed shut. The penis can then be safely used for pleasure with no risk of bodily fluids being transmitted to or from your partner. Imagine the advantages! For the solitary practitioner, less money spent on tissues. Fellatio from partners squeamish about spunk is no longer a problem. And no more condoms!
Rant93, Sep 16 2001

Ole Olestra http://www.zug.com/pranks/olestra/
While we're on the topic of anal leakage... [sdm, Sep 16 2001, last modified Oct 21 2004]

surgery not necessary http://www.amazon.c...2609453#reader-page
try page 2 [rainbow, Dec 25 2005]


       Re-route urine and feces to the same place and call it a cloaca.
cypherpunks, Sep 16 2001

       Well, at least it would put an end to the seat up/down argument.
phoenix, Sep 16 2001

       You do realize, Mr. Rant93, that as a result of this operation you will not only be permanently sterile, you will also be unable to write your name or make smilies in the snow when urinating?
Dog Ed, Sep 16 2001

       But, Dog Ed, that's the beauty of it! You're not sterile, you just have a different outlet than "normal" (and who's to say what "normal" is anymore, right?) My guess is the rectum would be the most reasonable outlet. Jizz would have to be collected with a catheter in that case, I suppose. Sitting down to pee isn't the end of the world -- ask any woman. And making smilies in the snow is just a slightly more athletic task.
Rant93, Sep 16 2001

       It's good to see the euphemism "pleasure stick" is coming back into vogue. President Harding would be pleased.
The Military, Sep 17 2001

       If your pee were diverted to your colon, it would either:   

       1. drizzle out uncontrollably through your sphincter. Kind of like being on an Olestra diet [see link], or   

       2. store up until there is lots of pressure, then when you go to pee, (or is that poo? Let's call it poe, like the author –he would be proud,) you would manufacture one monumental blast of urine, or   

       3. mix with your poo. Every shit you ever do will be diarrhoea. I’m not a biology buff either, but is urine acidic? Would we experience a perpetual Ring of Fire?   

       Anyway, I can’t think of any other orifices I would willingly redirect my urine to, so I fishbone this idea for the same reason I would fishbone any idea in the vicinity of “Colostomy Bags for All”.
sdm, Sep 17 2001

       I hope you're happy [sdm]. I just poe'd myself. Now I have to go home and change clothes.
phoenix, Sep 17 2001

       The OutHouse Of Gusher
thumbwax, Sep 17 2001

       The Tell-Tale Fart.
phoenix, Sep 17 2001

       Thumb, phoenix: excellent.   

       But: remember, you would still have a bladder and its associated sphincter and be able to control when said anal leakage would occur.   

       Or one could always have a secondary "penis-like-thing" down one's leg somewhere. Aimable so no snowdrift need go without your john hancock (so to speak); wrappable so one's love juice need not leak on one's partner. Surgeons build fake peni all the time in f-m sexual reassignment surgery.   

       C'mon, let's see that croissant, dammit. This could work.
Rant93, Sep 17 2001

       If you re-routed your colon to your mouth, then you could literally be a sh*thead.
h4xor, Sep 17 2001

       I hear that sh*t! (beats chest)
reensure, Sep 17 2001

       Are there two guns in your pants - or are you just glad to see me?
thumbwax, Sep 17 2001

       Infection can still be passed through a scratch or broken skin...so unless you keep your doodah in a padded vacuum sealed bag the risk is still there.
Helium, Sep 17 2001

       YOU STILL NEED CONDOMS!!!!!!!!   

       It isn't just via semen that STDs are passed; besides, your partners' fluids can still be transmitted to you, and not all require mucous membranes for transmission. Getting genital herpes or warts requires no juice on your part. Having knicked yourself with your razor while shaving your pubes opens you to as many, if not more, infections of the STD and other kind than before. This is a nonsolution, especially for two other main reasons: 1. You wouldn't be able to hold it as well, as one sphincter would be functionally compromised, and 2. No more peeing standing up.   

       Really want to pee otherwise? Look into suprapubic catheterization.
djanaba, Sep 17 2001

       //suprapubic catheterization// …sounds like management lingo to me.
sdm, Sep 18 2001

       Now, I've got to take exception to this being moved to health:defecation. Just because one of the possible re-routes is the rectum does not make this idea about defecation. Maybe health:condom was not the best place for it, though I agonized over it for several seconds before putting it there. Maybe just health:other?   

Rant93, Sep 19 2001

       So, exactly WHERE will you be ejaculating from?
mika1472, Sep 20 2001

       [trixie] I've seen photos documenting the process both ways. Shaft Nuveau may not get hard by itself, but a new structure has been added to (more kinda pulled and stretched out of) the body, re-routing the urethra. I'm sure there are some pix at or linked to http://www.bmezine.com. Many yukky pictures, so be aware.   

       Peni is funnier. Geez.   

       But: I think [djanaba] pretty much put the last nail in the coffin a while back. You're still not protected from herpes or warts. Only minimally useful then. We're just beating a dead horse (so to speak) at this point.
Rant93, Sep 20 2001

       djanaba - you shave your pubes? Bad idea, mate, it's nasty when the stubble grows back - all itchy and the propensity to be ingrown. Far better to wax. And sociable, too!
lewisgirl, Sep 20 2001

       UB, natural selection is a classic example of a hill-climbing optimization technique, and techniques like that are good at finding local maxima but tend not to find global maxima.
wiml, Sep 21 2001

       Route it to the tip of the big toe.   

       Wear open toed sandals, no socks and you can:
a. graffitise the walls
b. stick your toe into a convenient drain grating and relieve yourself.
Any takers?
neelandan, Nov 20 2001

       About "poeing" (what a luvly word! How does one pronounce it?) ... don't birds do this? I mean, you don't hear about birds urinating do you? Ever examined a lovely wet milky pigeon crap ... apart from the colour, I guess this is what the texture of "poe" would be like wouldn't it ... hmm ...
KiDDiE, May 01 2002

       Why does the pee have to be diverted to the colon? Can't you create a labia? I don't think it would be that hard.
ashibaka, May 02 2002

       Now my pinkie will have a purpose.
1kester, May 02 2002

       Without a doubt, i'd have my urethra redirected to my tear ducts.
BrianMaiden, Apr 15 2003

       ashibaka, what would labia do for pee?   

       1kester, your pinkie does have a purpose   

       I propose that the ureatha is completely left in tack since this isnt what gets you into trouble ( beside some women like to watch men pee and other bizar things )   

       it is the vas deferens that routs the semen to the ureatha I know this proposition is not as exotic but you have it half right,   

       why not install several valves, mechanical and check valves and route the semen into the bladder it could even include a small resivor to reduce seminal pressure when the bladder is under higher pressure then the semen could be disposed of in an usual process whithout jepordizing the ability for a man to stand up and pee I am sure that many men would miss the feel of the release of urine through ones penis
shad, Aug 05 2004

       Moving the urethra to the rectum would increase the risk of UTI's and Nephritis. Not a good thing long term. Aslo the surgery would be fairly major and not much of a laugh at all.
oneoffdave, Aug 06 2004

       <Stop me if you’ve heard this> An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are all discussing which of their three disciplines is most favoured by the Almighty. The electrical engineer pipes up first, citing the intricacies of the central nervous system. “The smallest of currents carried along the finest of wires”, he opines, “conveying pleasure and pain, sight, sound, taste, smell, storing and replaying vast amounts of information. It’s obvious to me that God is an electrical engineer.”   

       “Ah, yes.” says the mechanical engineer.”but have you considered the structure supporting it? The superbly constructed joints, the lightweight composite structural members, the use of levers, vibrating membranes, and lenses. The variety of different materials, each ably suited to its particular task. How can God be anything other than a mechanical engineer?”   

       “I’m afraid you’re both wrong.” Says the third member of the group. “To my mind, God can only be a civil engineer. Who else would route a wastepipe through a recreational area?”
egbert, Aug 06 2004

       I don't think it's only a question of where you will ejaculate from. There's also the issue of where you will be ejected from.
normzone, Aug 06 2004

       Never mind about re-routing; install a kinda cow udder with six or seven fully functional penises (perdon my french : pleasure sticks). Just imagine. I had this dream about having that and being invisible, while overflying the passerby and peeing all over them, with great precision, to their great annoyance. Freud, Freud.
finflazo, Aug 07 2004

       <Off Topic>
A couple of thoughts from my dear old biology teacher:
On the relative locations of the Ureter and the Urethra: "The urethra is the one that you pith through"
On men and women: There is a difference between men and women; a vas deferens.
gnomethang, Aug 07 2004

       Penis peeing purists post peevish passages--pooh poohing pioneering poster’s positively prodigious, postmodern pissing postulation. Prigs!!!   

       p.s. Please do not take offense at my posting--I have an illness--APD (Alliterative Personality Disorder). I am undergoing treatment with a new medication called "Prozaic". Wish me luck.
veryvermilion, Aug 07 2004

       Quite frankly I would not want my urine or semen rerouted through my arse imagine your on an airplane a man is sitting in a seat he moves over for you you sit down- the seat is WET (roflmao) this would not bode well for hygeine and public health and trust m there ARE some pretty perverted people out there.   

       I do not vote so no need to worry.   

       This is a good idea and original to but I wouldn't want my piss reouted through my rectum.   

       Plus I don't approve of surgery, have you ever watched one of those surgery shows? All that slow tedius slicing and dicing make me shrivel up on the couch and get extremely aggitated. I can stand blood no problem with blood it's just all that precision cutting through flesh. And seeing surgeons taking a bonesaw and grinding away at bones is rather DISTURBING I can't even stand it when I have to get a cavity filled anymore *shudder*.   

       I'm thinking why not re route the urethra to the nipple? Easily cleaned and easy to aim (kind of disturbing as well but it's my best guess) men don't have any use for nipples anyway so why not?   


EvilPickels, Aug 09 2004

       What [shad] said. Nice lateral thinking there. Edward de Bono would be proud of you.
spacemoggy, Aug 10 2004

       Redirect it out of your big toe... :) If you were wearing sandals and had to pee, stick your foot in a bush... (hmm, so many puns...)
Juggalo4Eternity, Dec 24 2005

       this will undoubtedly take the 'money' out of the money-shot...
Jkolmar, Dec 25 2005

       This was the idea which jumped out and grabbed at me, the first time I looked through the halfbakery. Of course, then I just had to sign up. A group of people who can stand still and not shudder at this sort of ideas will surely take kindly to my odd ideas, was my idea.
neelandan, Dec 26 2005

MikeOxbig, Dec 26 2005

       I think there's extra room in the scrotum that could facilitate a processing mechanism. One that could dehydrate the mixture and send it in pellet form. + for you Rant93.   

       (note: pearl necklaces would still smell like crap)
Wyrick, Dec 27 2005

       What if you were in the woods and had to pee? Would you rather pull down your pants?   

       If you do that you will completely take the masculinity out of using the urinal. DONT TAKE OUR URINALS AWAY!
Jscotty, Dec 28 2005

       SIDE EFFECTS-the following is not suitable for children under the age of 18(unless accompanied by a parent) and those of us with a weak stomach.   

       First of all I suggest a tripple stitch job on the original re-route; In the midst of a hard on the stitching can rip back open resulting in one big personal water rocket(or semen/blood rocket).   

       If masturbating when rocket went off, your hand may have serious dickburn and everyone in the room would be at risk. Hopefully you were not looking down...a very embarrising engraved statement would be in your tombstone. Such a death would make Steve Irwin's fatality seem life natural causes.   

       If you were having sex (heterosexual), the girl could be seriously injured any where from the g-spot to the back of the uterus depending on the blast. She'll have to wait until her cycle revolves before your penis is ovulated out.   

       If you were having sex (homosexual), the rocket would leave internal bruisings in the sodomized individual appearing as a tattoo of the world's tallest mushroom. If you were saving up a years load of semen in your vas deferens, than the blast could be so powerful it would propel your penis through the humpees colon and into his stomach. This is where your penis would be half digested and later thrown up...such brutality would definitely deserve a reach around and a couple hours of cuddling for comfort, well atleast enough to get through "Brokeback Mountain".   

       So gentlemen, before Marcy convinces you into such an operation consider the tradeoffs.
Phaedrus, Sep 13 2006

squeak, Sep 14 2006

       Yeah, I don't know what he's on about either. Blood rockets? Has the man (if indeed he be) no concept of elementary biology?
zen_tom, Sep 14 2006

       Come again?
Dub, Sep 14 2006

       Reading about strapping a todger to the torch ... um ... the other way around, or so ... brought back remembrances of this excellent idea.
neelandan, Nov 21 2008

       This is a real variant in some people's genitals.
nineteenthly, Nov 21 2008

       the fact is that the two systems work very well together and when medical necessity or deformity messes with the situation really painful problems arise. Urine acts as a disinfectant for the genitalia in both men and women and in cases of prolonged "clean" catheterization fungal infections are common. More of a "fetish" than any real improvement in Q/L.
WcW, Nov 21 2008

       True. It's also often the result of oestrogenic substances. Though it doesn't affect me, someone _very_ close to me has an unusual reproductive system and it's no joke.
nineteenthly, Nov 21 2008

       "better life through chemistry". if Frankenstine's monster rapes a child it's pitchforks and torches. When frakenchem rapes a few thousand childern we feel shame and guilt, blame ourselves, and pretend like nothing is wrong.
WcW, Nov 21 2008

       Wow, this is a horrible idea. You must be on hallucinagenics or something. Do you see rabbits running backwards too fellow? Don't jump off a cliff! ....[-]
quantum_flux, Nov 21 2008


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