Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
(Rolling in flour, halfbaking my ass off)

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Scab Beard

Be king of the playground!
  (+9, -10)
(+9, -10)
  [vote for,

Rather than wait the apocryphal Royal Navy-mandated fortnight for your beard to appear, simply place your face into the custom-made mask (fashioned from the outside to look somewhat (but not entirely) like Liebniz), the interior of which contains a carefully mounted array of razor blades which, upon face-insertion, become microscopically agitated such that what would be on your otherwise shamefully hairless face, the "beard zone" is quickly subject to sufficient tiny lacerations that the whole zone is, once your face is removed the blood flow stops, thoroughly enscabbed, thereby providing the outside world with the appearance of beardage, without the potentially fruitless wait!
calum, May 08 2009

Beard Disposal Unit Bus Full of Flies
Discarded beards might be of interest to the friendly folks at BFoF [zen_tom, May 12 2009]

Gottfried Leibniz http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liebniz
Busy bloke. [DrBob, May 13 2009]

Choco Liebniz http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leibniz-Keks
Tasty biscuit. [Jinbish, Aug 17 2010]


       From a distance, this works. And has nothing to do with crossing picket lines.
normzone, May 08 2009

       Can the razor application area be customized for those of us that just have a couple problem areas?
MikeD, May 10 2009

       An excellent option for those who cannot grow a beard. When it peels off you can feed it to the dog, too.
tommyato, May 12 2009

       the name of this sounds so good.   

       cutters would love this
vfrackis, May 12 2009

       sounds like something the emo kids would LOVE!
penguin_tummy, May 13 2009

       could someone enlighten the ones not in on the joke (me)?
loonquawl, May 13 2009

       I think the joke is simply that there are some people who are not blessed with rampant facial hair, and, who despite giving themselves a full 2 weeks to grow what ought to be a generous, healthy "Navy Issue" beard, find themselves non-replete in beard-terms.   

       Such is the feeling of shame engendered by not being capable of the simple manly joy of being abundant in beard, that people might go to such lengths as to razor up their faces in order to promote the formation of a scab-based substitute - Here we identify an aspect of humanity that has, till now remained unexplored - and therin (for me at least) lies the nub.   

       I've got to admit, I didn't get the Liebniz bit. And I find these later annotations gleefully referencing self-harm a little uncomfortable.
zen_tom, May 13 2009

       I didn't get the Leibniz bit either. Even my extensive, five minute research of the Wikipedia page didn't throw up any clues. I suspect calum only mentioned him in order to confuse the issue.

[For this part of the annotation please set volume to 'Brian Blessed'] As a beardy bloke myself, I feel no pity for the beardless masses. Beardiness is a sign of great intelligence, artistic brilliance, sexual potency and extreme modesty, so clearly I must vote against any idea which seeks to mislead people into attributing such characteristics to the common herd.
DrBob, May 13 2009

       Cutters, being those that engage in self-harm don't, as I understand it, by and large cut themselves so that they can show the resultant scab-and-scar to peers and strangers alike as a sign of the self-harmer's hirsuit machismo, but instead because they are a bit low and can't find a different method (sport, drugs, gardening, sex) to make themselves feel better about themselves and accordingly, I do not agree with the assertion that cutters and fans of emo music would love the Scab Beard (particularly in the case of the latter because the mask comes as standard with earphones that play, when the mask is sported, into the ear of the sporter a loop of "Slave to the Rhythm" by Grace Jones, "The Gambler" by Kenny Loggins and Scooter's seminal "Back in the UK").   

       Having now had input from the halfbakery's own beautifully enbeardened sexual-dynamo renaissance man, I see the error of my ways in posting this idea and, as is only appropriate in the light of this manifest error, award it my own newly disdainful fishbone.
calum, May 13 2009

       Not in my world.
calum, May 13 2009

       Or mine!

But what about Leibniz, eh?
DrBob, May 13 2009

       //enscabbed// - that word alone is deserving of a croissant or two [+]
xenzag, May 13 2009

       Leibniz was a cutter, duh.
daseva, Aug 17 2010

       Echo and the Bunnymen sang about Leibnitz?
coprocephalous, Aug 17 2010

       The idea of enscabbing one's face to feign follicle forests? Fishbone.
Reminding me of Choco Liebniz. Croissant.
Jinbish, Aug 17 2010

       In the interests of preserving the natural beard, I must award a fishbone.
Twizz, Aug 17 2010

       The Leibniz bit, which I see that I never actually got around to addressing, was primarily because the cove had a gimungous noggin, big enough to fit another whole healthy human head inside, so the thinking being that if you stick your head in an enveloping Leibniz helmet mask you'll not look like you are inside a contraption but instead passers by will think to themselves "oh aye there's Leibniz in his dressing gown wot a lad" u.s.w. All very normal and no one will suspect its hairless baby faced you going to desperate lengths to look like Archibald Haddock. Sorry for the delay there.
calum, Mar 27 2018

       Just glue decomposing food to your face in a thick many- layered encrustation, everyone will assume the beard is underneath, until a real one pushes through like the first shoots of spring. Old food.. that’s what my beard was made of. I never got ill from chewing on it though. Which just goes to show, we make too much fuss about ‘fridges and good hygiene. meat, fish. Sometimes I even ate it through my nose if I sniffed hard. That’s always a goodie. (Or was that even food? )
DDRopDeadly, Apr 01 2018

       I’m not trying to date anyone on this here site so I speak the full truth
DDRopDeadly, Apr 01 2018

       The worst conceivable shaver in the world, eg a dyspraxic with parkinson’s disease, may well end up with a “scab beard” in the noble pursuit of beardlessness. Ironic
DDRopDeadly, Apr 01 2018


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