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MaxCo. is very excited to have spotted a much-needed gap in
the ice cream market.
It has been brought to our attention that large tubs of
chocolate ice cream are used in an off-label context by people
who have suffered some grievous setback in life. Apparently,
the solution to many of life's
woes is to sit in front of the
television, with a tub of the aforesaid ice cream and a spoon.
Quite how this works is not clear to us here at MaxCo., but we
have noticed that the available brands of ice cream generally
have names which are completely at odds with the situation
they are intended to alleviate. "Ben and Jerry's" sounds
indelicately cheerful and up-beat (and what happens if you've
just been jilted by someone called Ben or Jerry??). "Carte
d'Or" promises (to those gifted with a little knowledge of
french) riches and joy totally at odds with the misery of the
couch-dweller. And who the fuck is Håagen Dazs, and why
does he spell his name in that stupid way?
MaxCo. is therefore launching its vast range of ice creams. All
of them are chocolate. All of them are exactly the same.
Except the names. You can now buy a half-gallon tub of "I'm
Better Off Without The Bastard With Chocolate Chips", or dive
into a bucket of "She's Welcome To Him And I Hope She
Catches Something With Brazilian Cocoa". Men can get elbow-
deep into "If She's So Fussed About Remembering Birthdays I'm
Better Off Alone With Plain Chocolate Chunks", get to the
bottom of a barrel of "Ikea Clearly Left A Fucking Part Out Soft
Scoop" or immerse themselves in "I'll Show Them Who's A Fat
Bastard And Maltesers".
Available only at the best stores everywhere.
Ideal beverage [8th of 7, May 14 2018]
||You still need a brand name even if you've got 50 names for chocolate flavour.
||For a brand, you could go for "My bucket". And why restrict to one flavour ? e.g. "My bucket of Raspberry Rift with FU sprinkles".
||[+] This idea could be picked up by Ronseal, of "Does exactly what it says on the side of the tin" renown, albeit more a case of "Eat in order to deal with a specific topic of remorse", so in some respect, more like one of those evil Greetings Cards shops. Perhaps next to the rows of gaudy and morose shelving in one of these shops, there could also be a freezer cabinet, offering gift ice-creams to be presented (perhaps to oneself) at times of specific enturbulence, or montage-inducing stress.
||//You still need a brand name// We were thinking of "I
Scream". We were going to go with "iScream", but we ran into
||It doesn't come with a dosage of melatonin, dopamine,
tryptophan, and tetrahydrocannabinol?
||No, but it has the expected amounts of theobromine and
||Unexpected amounts would probably be more beneficial.
||//we ran into legal issues.//
||Just crush them with your wallet