Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Quis custodiet the custard?

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St. Joan of Arc arc lamp

The light of the world
  [vote for,

New from BorgCo, in a range of sizes from 200mm to life size, this new source of illumination is a must-have home accessory* for every true-born** anglophobic gallic git***

On a sturdy, heavy base**** stands a figure of a young woman (lovingly injection-moulded in Genuine Simulated Plastic-effect stuff) dressed in medaeval armour, holding aloft in her right hand a sword, and grasping in her left hand the staff of a banner emblazoned with Fleur-de-Lys on a blue ground.

The tip of the sword and the head of the staff are close together, and conceal carbon electrodes. When switched on, a brilliant light is produced by the electrical discharge between them.

Note that this discharge emits damaging amounts of UV radiation, capable of causing both skin burns and blindness after even modest exposure.

Comprehensive safety data and instructions are provided - printed in Flemish. As this would require the purchaser to interact with a non-francophone Belgian to obtain a translation, the chances of them being read by the owner are minimal.

*As long as the home lasts, that is. These things are a lethal electric shock and fire hazard.

** i.e. actually has some idea of who their father might be.

*** Yes, tautology. They're all anglophobic gits, but it needs saying.

**** Heavy partly because it contains the arc-generating electrics, but mostly because it's packed solid with Thermite.

8th of 7, Oct 18 2016


       You should gift the first one to a deserving party, over there. Whom?
whatrock, Oct 19 2016

       Hélène Carrère d'Encausse would be first in line.
8th of 7, Oct 19 2016

       Open carbon-arc lights are rather smokey, thanks to atmospheric oxygen. Also, the carbon electrodes need to be feed-able toward the arc, since they are slowly "used up" inside the arc itself. Without a feed-mechanism, the distance between electrodes will increase until the arc cannot be initiated when the lamp is turned on. That outcome might affect your evil plan....
Vernon, Oct 19 2016

       Also available: Vin der Graaf - an exclusive French wine with a high-voltage spark generator in each bottle
hippo, Oct 19 2016

       Can we expect additional light fittings, for example, paying tribute to the Irish hero Phil O'Ment? Or to the present day members of great South American nations - the Incan Descent bulb?
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 19 2016

       Please send one to 725 5th Ave, New York, NY 10022. Top floor. Or bottom. Doesn't matter which.
RayfordSteele, Oct 19 2016

       No problem, but we'll need a credit or charge card number to bill against before we ship.   

       // That outcome might affect your evil plan.... //   

       Be assured, there is indeed a feed mechanism to maintain the arc gap.
8th of 7, Oct 19 2016

       Well, we're not supposed to bun titles, but "St Joan of Arc Lamp" tickles my arse a bit, so [+], though I didn't picture something quite so self-immolative, just a translucent statue with one of those fake-fireplace "flame" generators inside.
FlyingToaster, Oct 19 2016

       Like :-)
xenzag, Oct 20 2016

       // I didn't picture something quite so self-immolative //   

       If you could determine the authorship of the post without reading it, you would have.
8th of 7, Oct 20 2016

       Jacobite's Labber: Featuring a kilted Scotsman, holding aloft a set of bagpipes, two pipes of which are slightly elongated. Through these prominent pipes is passed a high voltage current such that sparks are initiated at the base to travel upward as the gap widens between the two. At the same time, for Scottish purposes, the refrain of "Awa, Whigs, Awa" is gently played by means of a piezo-electric speaker glued into the base, these objects d'art are given away free on receipt of a fully stamped card issued by the twin authority of Tenant's Super and Buckfast Abbey, stamped under the close and watchful eye of registered off-license proprietors.
zen_tom, Oct 20 2016


       How about a tribute lamp for that much- overshadowed contemporary of Malcolm X, Ellie D?
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 20 2016

       Oops, that should of course have been ladder - I can't even begin to figure out how I managed to misspell that so outrageously badly - I'm not even going to change it.
zen_tom, Oct 20 2016

       There once was someone who owned aluminum,   

       And glass and transformers and also some,   

       electrics and tin   

       which made such a din   

       When an arc generated ozone effluvium.   

       So a bun
mylodon, Oct 25 2016

       Someone who had carbon and copper,
And a clever high frequency chopper,
Took transformers and clamps,
And made his own lamps,
And the arc that they struck was a whopper.
8th of 7, Oct 25 2016


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