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Swap populations of Scotland and Northern Ireland

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Post-Brexit, when the populations of England and Wales are foraging for roots and bartering small children for tinned food, and Scotland has left the UK to pursue a glorious future built on the economic might of the crofting industry, we will be in an anomalous situation. The island of Ireland will have an EU country (Rep of Ireland) and a part of a non-EU country (Northern Ireland) and the island of Britain will also have an EU country (Democratic People’s Republic of Scotland) and the other part of the previously mentioned non-EU country (England and Wales). The logical thing to do then would be to swap the populations of Northern Ireland and Scotland to bring the EU and non-EU countries together each on its own island.

Such is the elegant logic of this proposal I can’t see anyone disagreeing with it.
hippo, Dec 02 2020

The Plantation of Ulster https://en.wikipedi...lantation_of_Ulster
"It seemed like a good idea at the time ..." [8th of 7, Dec 02 2020]

[link]






       Be not afraid ... consider the demographics, and reflect on the fact that it's been tried before.   

       Lots of aggressive, intolerant proddy jocks were shipped over to the Province <link> because of the dreadful infestation of bog-trotting Pope-hugging paddys*. It was called the "Plantation".   

       The blood was everywhere.   

       It still is ...   

       So the idea is to repeat the process on the assumption that history can't possibly repeat itself.   

       What could possibly go wrong ? (Apart, that is, from the absolute certainty of religiously-fuelled inter-community conflict, violence, needless** deaths, destruction of property, bitterness, resentment and a legacy of hatred and distrust passed down from generation to generation i.e. business as usual).   

       Do you want to know how it will work out ? Do you ? Well, here you are. Put on this bowler hat and Union Flag T-shirt and practice humming "The Sash My Father Wore". Now, just walk down that street over there ... it's called the Falls Road ... don't think of it as "cramming in", more "thinning out".   

       Oh, and it might help if you carry this net of oranges. The time ? Oh, five minutes to five... leave it half an hour, then time your walk to take five minutes so you're there at half past five, or 16:90 in local terms ...   

       "Next, let's go over live to the Celtic vs. Rangers match, where the score after three minutes is two falls, one submission, and a knockout ..."   

       *The use of such pejorative language does not in fact indicate any specific prejudice, merely a generalized hatred and contempt for all of them. It would be better if some of them were black as well, then there could be more bigotry for the same effort.   

       **It is undeniable that many of the deaths are in fact necessary, as otherwise the deceased will go on believing in the right God, but in the wrong way, and must be saved from themselves.
8th of 7, Dec 02 2020
  

       I knew someone would come along and spoil this idea with facts and details...
hippo, Dec 02 2020
  

       Oh, pardon us, do ... never let facts get in the way of a good idea, eh ?   

       There's so much irony here that you could run it through a Bessemer converter* and make it into enough steel to make, for example, a Peace Fence ...   

       All right, yes, it's actually a rant written with the specific intention of baiting and provoking [xenzag], but never miss an opportunity.   

       *More for the look of the thing and the industrial archaeology than for any other reason; the last commercial Bessemer converter shut down decades ago ...
8th of 7, Dec 02 2020
  

       Nah, they would botch up each others booze. Could the Irish make a decent Scotch? Could the Scottish produce decent Irish whiskey?
whatrock, Dec 03 2020
  

       Great idea. The Picts were the indigenous custodians of Ireland and Scotland before the snivelling Celts came along. The plantation went some way, but full repatriation of the entire population of Scotland to the land of their ancestors would complete the process of restoration. Even the Romans were terrified of the Picts, so once the process is underway it would be best for everyone else to stay well clear.
xenzag, Dec 03 2020
  

       Myabe start with some kind of twinning thing. Now that everyone's personal data is in the datacentres it should not be too hard to match people who either look very similar, or have the same name and date of birth, or are comically ill-matched opposites. First of all they get to have "twinned with..." appended to their name in all formal situations, later in informal ones too. Then their identities are gradually exchanged rather than fused so that they become their opposite twin without really noticing. That would save a lot of people moving but still have the desired outcome.
pocmloc, Dec 03 2020
  

       // the desired outcome //   

       Genocide ? Ethnic cleansing ?   

       // Great idea. ... Even the Romans were terrified of the Picts,... best for everyone else to stay well clear. //   

       Hmmm. seems that [xen] has a hidden craving for fire-and-the-sword "social reform" after all ... that gives a hint about the genetics at work there ...
8th of 7, Dec 03 2020
  

       Though I read it quite Swift-ly, the //elegant logic of this proposal// seems a very modest proposal indeed.
zen_tom, Dec 03 2020
  

       It's well known that "revolutions eat their own children"; this is just taking it to its logical extreme.
8th of 7, Dec 03 2020
  

       Bravo!   

       Next, let's do Beijing and Taiwan.   

       Both represent the *real* China, right?
UnaBubba, Dec 03 2020
  

       // The Picts were the indigenous custodians of Ireland and Scotland before the snivelling Celts came along //   

       Well, though it was previously thought that the Picts spoke a non-Indoeuropean language, it's now believed that they were just Celtic language speakers, and the idea that a Celtic identity has any historical or ethnic basis is quite shaky. There is, however, Yr Hen Ogledd, before the Irish came over, when the future Dal Riada was sort of Welsh, so maybe Scotland should be given back to them?
nineteenthly, Dec 03 2020
  

       Could be a mad hatter's tea party. When someone calls "move" each country has to move one country along.
pocmloc, Dec 03 2020
  

       Don't try that with the Germans; they move along, but keep what they've already got, too ...
8th of 7, Dec 03 2020
  

       [zen] //Though I read it quite Swift-ly// - Ha! - yes, indeed
hippo, Dec 03 2020
  

       What you should do [hippo] is have the idea discussed in parliament, get them to support making it the topic of a referendum, being sure to tell everyone that it's only on an *advisory* basis. After all what harm can be done, right? And, since it's explicitly going to be advisory, if a silly result is returned, we can just carry on and let common sense prevail. It's not as though simply asking the population to advise on what amounts to a technical detail could lead to years of economic chaos and generations of lost progress. Nobody would allow that to happen, surely! And, if the result is marginal, say 51.8 vs 48.2, we could just enact a kind of democratic fudge, no need to go full steam into the very most damaging and extreme interpretation possible. That would be barmy.
zen_tom, Dec 03 2020
  

       // democratic fudge //   

       Is that the one where everyone allegedly helps choose, and then you end up with a single flavour that no-one actually likes or wants, but is still enormously expensive and unsatisfactory ?
8th of 7, Dec 03 2020
  

       [zen] - that sounds like a sensible approach - what could go wrong?
[8th] - yes and, of course, everyone will say it's Someone Else's Fault
hippo, Dec 03 2020
  

       It's "Everyone's fault" and "No-one's fault" simultaneously.
8th of 7, Dec 03 2020
  

       Alternatively, you could swap most of the UK and Ireland, and simply leave Wales where it is.
RayfordSteele, Dec 03 2020
  

       Wales is being towed out to sea, then sunk by naval gunfire.
xenzag, Dec 03 2020
  

       Presumably the sheep and the steam railway locomotives have been salvaged, and are safe ?   

       On that basis, "Fire as guns bear !"
8th of 7, Dec 03 2020
  

       No-one likes the Welsh. They even hate themselves.
UnaBubba, Dec 03 2020
  

       "The welsh pray on Sundays, and on their neighbours the rest of the week ... "
8th of 7, Dec 03 2020
  

       Why not just swap the populations of England and everywhere else?   

       This will allow the English to once again rule the world, as is their natural right.   

       This will also allow all the foreigners to live in England for a bit; a benefit for which they will naturally be most grateful.
Wrongfellow, Dec 04 2020
  

       This idea reminds me of confining fissile material (freedom loving people) into a small space (small island). Also, this would considerably simplify the problem of where Irish-Scottish Americans should go on vacation when they long to leave the sunny West and bask in the wind-driven rain that once moistened their forebears. I only regret that I have but one bun to give.
sninctown, Dec 04 2020
  

       //Wales is being [...] sunk//   

       Et tu, [xenzag]?
pertinax, Dec 04 2020
  

       Don't worry. It's target practice for an even more cringe making little banjo twanking island of perpetual whingers - Ireland.
xenzag, Dec 04 2020
  

       Slightly more difficult, as the wretched place is soggy and mostly submerged already. It will be like trying to torpedo a bath sponge ...
8th of 7, Dec 04 2020
  

       If you play the right kind of "music" loud enough, the local village idiots begin dancing up and down in unison in their hobnailed boots, which should help with any submergence issues.
xenzag, Dec 04 2020
  

       Sadly, that practice is worldwide, with different names for "excuses to stomp on things with hobnailed footwear".   

       btw, there are no Morris dancers in Ireland. They were... kicked out.
FlyingToaster, Dec 04 2020
  

       // local village idiots //   

       Sp. "Entire population"
8th of 7, Dec 04 2020
  

       Apart from a few exceptions: Flann O''Brien and Belfast scientist John Stewart Bell, who proved Albert Einstein wrong. (alas both deceased)
xenzag, Dec 04 2020
  

       Albert E. was born in 1879, so would be 141 years old if he were still alive, so it's hardly surprising he isn't.   

       // Flann O''Brown //   

       You mean "Flann O'Brien", shirley ?
8th of 7, Dec 04 2020
  

       Ha yes. Pesky iPhone
xenzag, Dec 04 2020
  

       We will send you one of our iphoney improvement kits as a Christmas present. When you've used it, you can keep it for cracking nuts, and knocking in nails and picture hooks.
8th of 7, Dec 04 2020
  
      
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