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Telemarketer Discouraging Phone Answering Routine

"Strategic Air Command ICBM launch control base..."
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... is this a RED SEVEN? Repeat: is this a RED SEVEN? Please answer with launch code word sequence to initiate missile launch.

(Telemarketer) "Uhh, hi, you have been chosen to save up to 7% on energy saving windows, is the head of the household home?"

(You) Proper launch code word sequence confirmed. Inserting launch keys. Next code word sequence to launch missiles please.

(Telemarketer) "Uuum, I'm not sure I've got the right number."

(You) Correct launch code word sequence verified. Missiles away. Please shelter in place for expected counter attack. Good luck and God be with you. (click)

Now if the person calls back and says: "Ok, you're really going to have to move to get this 7% off deal. It's now a very, very limited time offer." hire that person to head your sales department immediately.

doctorremulac3, Dec 08 2017

The telemarketer revenge machine The_20telemarketer_20revenge_20machine
An earlier iteration, I especially like Seals approach. [Skewed, Dec 10 2017, last modified Dec 11 2017]

[link]






       "Hello, can I speak to the telephone services decision maker, please ?"   

       Try any of:   

       "Er, yeah ... maybe ... just a moment ... I think the paramedcs are still working on him".   

       "I don't know, I'll go and ask the arresting officer".   

       "No problem. I guess you speak Swahili, then ?"   

       "Of course you may, that's me, and I'm truly delighted to speak to you and bring the Lord's truth to you on this beautiful day that God has made for us all. Have you been saved for Jesus, brother?"   

       "Oh, we're so glad you called - the other lot cut off our service, just because we didn't pay them. Petty, I call it."
8th of 7, Dec 08 2017
  

       I always find that a cheery "fuck off" is remarkably ineffective.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 08 2017
  

       Maybe a creative background   

       - operating room in a hospital
- torture chamber
- orgy
- satanic ritual
FlyingToaster, Dec 08 2017
  

       All four combined maybe?
doctorremulac3, Dec 08 2017
  

       Your automated phone message should include something about tracing the call to its source, with the missiles targeting that location.
Vernon, Dec 09 2017
  

       "Hab SoSli' Quch ! "* is very effective, particularly when dealing with Ferengi, although not so good as "Your mother wears clothes and has tiny ears ! "   

         

       *Klingon for "Your mother has a smooth forehead ! ", a provocation used to trigger a fight to the death.
8th of 7, Dec 09 2017
  

       I tend to simply use this routine.   

       You: "Hi, if I decide at any time that this is in any way sales or marketing I'll simply hang up, now how can I help you"   

       I find that 90% of the time that produces the following response.   

       Caller: [ Click ]   

       But if it does get any other response from a telemarketer then you can respond with the following with a completely clear conscience.   

       You: [ Click ]   

       After all, they have been warned.
Skewed, Dec 09 2017
  

       Had a proud moment with a call a couple of months ago. Guy said he was calling to raise fund for some policeman's fund implying some link to the police. I said "Oh, my son's an officer with the (name of city not important) P.D. (Which is true by the way) What precinct are you associated with?   

       He said thank you and hung up.   

       Now as frightfully clever as my response was, a simple "Go fuck yourself." would have sufficed.   

       I'm actually pretty careful to not be disrespectful to legitimate telemarketers who are just trying to earn an honest, albeit annoying, living. However when somebody's obviously pulling some kind of scam I get a little ticked off.
doctorremulac3, Dec 09 2017
  

       //legitimate telemarketers who are just trying to earn an honest, albeit annoying, living//   

       No, they're not. They should all be shot, then burned, then shot again before being killed, preferably in public as a warning to others. There is no such thing as "legitimate telemarketing". My phone is not there to be advertised through.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 09 2017
  

       // They should all be shot, then burned, then shot again before being killed, preferably in public as a warning to others. //   

       It must be the Christmas spirit working its magic ; you're mellowing noticeably of late.
8th of 7, Dec 09 2017
  

       It is. I was going to suggest "and all their kinfolk".
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 09 2017
  

       //They should all be shot, then burned, then shot again before being killed,//   

       Sounds a bit extreme, I don't think it's necessary to shoot them twice.
doctorremulac3, Dec 09 2017
  

       It does seem a bit extravagant.   

       A steamroller, followed by a flamethrower, would be nicely entertaining.
8th of 7, Dec 09 2017
  

       // and all their kinfolk //   

       Their little dog too?
Skewed, Dec 10 2017
  

       Harsh but fair.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 10 2017
  

       No, not the dog.   

       The rest of their domestic and domesticated animals, yes; plus their servants, their neighbours, their friends, and anyone sharing their surname.   

       But the little dog shall be spared, taken to a safe place, and encouraged by a system of rewards to chase cats and bite the french.
8th of 7, Dec 10 2017
  

       Welcome to your cold call handling phone. When you answer your phone to a telemarketer you have many options.   

       Press 1 - to request their number which will be spammed after screening for premium numbers. Sub options include getting them to answer a 100 question survey.   

       Press 2 - To upload to YouTube a hilarious video of them trying to ask their questions whilst your phone hints at giving them an answer, but keeps delaying.   

       All told it seems quite easy to manufacture a phone that has various chaff and flare buttons for cold callers. Just a little gizmo that says "Mmmmm ?" every time there is a pause might suffice.
bigsleep, Dec 11 2017
  
      
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