Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
Replace "light" with "sausages" and this may work...

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Terror & Outrage Team (T&OT]

We Panic So You Don't Have To
  [vote for,

Here at Terror & Outrage Team we service the huge spectrum of founded and unfounded fears, from jumping spiders to nuclear holocaust. It all revolves around you!

From daily inconveniences we might overreact to like misplaced keys or the fridge left open, to truly horrific existential threats like global warming, asteroid strikes, and in-law visits, we’ve got you covered. In the event of things going sideways we assign a specialist to deal with the precise level of apprehension and/or outrage, to say nothing of panic, that would ensue. And the level of panic is guaranteed to replicate and replace your own, as if you had flipped out yourself. As distinct from services like Better Health, a service-on-demand that pairs you with some ‘professional’ who will talk you down and stroke your fevered brow, the customer service personnel at T&OT are not interested in placating anyone or finding solutions everyone can agree on. They start from a position of extreme disgruntlement and elevate their delivery to Hair-on-Fire as needed. After you, the client, are well-medicated and placed out of harm's way the assigned professional staff member finishes their warmup and launches the panic/outrage attack, leaving the client high and dry and looking for hard candies.

Our hair-trigger staff has been culled from the finest examples of over-privileged complainers in bank lines, DMV lobbies, Little League games, surviving victims of train crashes, earthquakes, no-knock warrants, and virtually anywhere a camera has recorded a melt-down with style and panache.

You can proceed on your regular day knowing that blood pressure has been raised, hair has been lit on fire, and you have avoided the aftermath and medical effects of being a dick. By subscription only. Not covered by insurance.

minoradjustments, Aug 22 2023


       I'm not entirely sure of something
pocmloc, Aug 22 2023

       Certainty is overrated. Jump in anyway. The consequences are avoided, so we can prattle on crassly, my little old codger.
minoradjustments, Aug 22 2023

       //I'm not entirely sure of something//   

       I am, but have forgotten what it is.
pertinax, Aug 22 2023

       This is so.... something.
whatrock, Aug 23 2023

       This is an outrage! By the way I have a member's card, that's 10% off, right?
Voice, Aug 23 2023

       Those pretending to feel the panic of those who feel that everything revolves around them really ticks off those of us about which everything truly does revolve.   

       You could save costs by doing this with AI. And then get more clientele from your ex-employees as the AI takes over their jobs.   

       If you don't believe this is workable, you could always employ an electric monk to believe that for you, just to spare some effort.
RayfordSteele, Aug 23 2023

       Could it be deployed in Russia and the Ukraine simultaneously?
pashute, Aug 24 2023

       For those who relish a more immersive experience, for a healthy extra charge we will skin the panic actor in the recorded video with the exact features of the client. Of course, this requires the actor to wear a day-glo green balaclava while they wig out, for the benefit of the video tech. This may lessen the effects of the wig-out on viewers and we'll try to make up for it in intensity and duration. But, conversely, it works wonders for the self-confidence of the panic actor! Just the sight of someone in a day-glo green balaclava is often enough to clear the room. Very satisfying for the client.
minoradjustments, Aug 24 2023

       |pashute| Simultaneously? Certainly! Put anywhere so harm underlines the expectation.
minoradjustments, Aug 24 2023


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