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Testicular extortion squad

Emergency standby squad to relieve testicular torsion
  [vote for,

OK, this is a bit of a mind-dump of a thought i've been trying to dislodge from my head for a while.
Testicular torsion is a serious problem when it happens. In recent weeks, my sleep has been disturbed by continual thoughts of twisted vasa deferentia. I therefore propose that there be big black vans hanging out on street corners with "TESTICULAR TORSION SQUAD" displayed in large friendly letters on the side. When a scrotal emergency occurs, the sufferer or a friend alerts the service with a panic button and the van rushes down the road with blues and twos, breaks down the door and hurries to the scene. Once in position, they scan the afflicted scrotum, attach a detwirler and untwist the bollocks.
They are funded entirely privately, threatening not to untwist the testicles or even to retwist them if people don't pay up. This makes them a testicular extortion squad too.
nineteenthly, Jun 11 2009

(?) Youtube: Jam Bad Doctor http://www.youtube....watch?v=llL2cOw4VyM
I'm somehow reminded of this. [zen_tom, Jul 04 2009]


       Wow. I have never worried about that, ever. Until now.
phoenix, Jun 11 2009


       There is a vas deferens between torsion and extortion.   

       I can differentiate them at a glans.
nomocrow, Jun 11 2009

       Until you added the extortion element, these guys were sounding very much like the RNLI, but for balls. Perhaps the RNLI could learn a thing or two from this.
calum, Jun 11 2009

       Damn, [nomocrow], I can't top that pun. Guess I fail the testes.
normzone, Jun 11 2009

       This service would provide some poor sod with extreme happenis, I'm sure. [+]
MikeD, Jun 11 2009

       Yes, and it would make a "wizz" noise. I also want helicopters and i'd like to point out that it would also mean half of us could sleep securely in our beds provided we had a brown paper envelope stuffed with grubby notes on the bedside table set aside for such an eventuality.
nineteenthly, Jun 11 2009

       Meatust so well in the future.   

       (Okay, it's a stretch.)
nomocrow, Jun 11 2009

       This reminds me of a comedy sketch, with a doctor and a well-dressed man. The doctor is cupping the other man's balls. He says "Should I cough, Doctor?", to which the doctor replies, "No, just tell me you Swiss bank account number".
coprocephalous, Jul 02 2009

       Yes, i think that's from Not The Nine O'Clock News. Good call, i'd forgotten that.
nineteenthly, Jul 03 2009

       Thanks, [zen_tom], it doesn't get much better than that. I have to admit, it is occasionally tempting to behave like that, but it would probably only work in the NHS.
If we're going with that, it might be advisable to sow fear, uncertainty and doubt with big scary posters depicting gangrenous testicles and maybe something like a TV licencing scare campaign, along the lines of:
...followed by a shot of a latex gloved hand knocking loudly on a door before the screen fades to black accompanied by a whizzing noise.
nineteenthly, Jul 04 2009

       Will they have detector vans ?
8th of 7, Jul 04 2009

       Yes they will, and they'll use terahertz radiation to spy on our scrota while we sleep.
nineteenthly, Jul 04 2009

       So the tinfoil hat won't be enough any more ? Even the gonads will have to be wrapped in shiny, crinkly aluminium foil, and connected to ground with a cable ?   

       That's kind of disturbing (and, in many circumstances, highly inconvenient)
8th of 7, Jul 05 2009


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