Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
Expensive, difficult, slightly dangerous, not particularly effective... I'm on a roll.

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The Sober (Iron) Maiden

... Or the trouble with Irish key vending.
  (+8, -2)
(+8, -2)
  [vote for,

Behold in all her glory, the latest creation from those who brought you the "Steering Wheel Car Kitchen" and the "Vending Menace" comes the SOBER MAIDEN!

Standing just over 7-feet tall and weighing no less than 70 stones, this imposing oracle of sober driving safely watches over your car keys and other valuable items as you do your world-famous impression of your former college frat brother, Stephen Twigg.

With a measly tribute of $5, the SOBER MAIDEN gracefully opens her arms to reveal a small, personal safe-box and offers you a computer-generated receipt. After your night of partying, simply return to your patron saint of lost car keys, enter-in your personal box number and whisper into her ear permission to return home. Breathalyzer-type BAL receptors in the statue's ear match legal limit with frat-boy party technique to determine if you're sober enough to deserve your keys again.

Whisper unto the goddess sober pleasantries and you will be rewarded with your keys and a randomly-generated blessing of good fortune. However, if you've angered the sober goddess by blowing hot BAC numbers, this humble servant of the bar fly becomes a foul-mouth, berating, red-eyed dervish all the while dialing you a complimentary cab ride home.

If you happen to be one of the lucky cab-ride rookies, simply return sober to the pub the next day and retrieve your goods for an additional $5 or equivalent tip.

Statues are ready to ship in the image of The Virgin Mary, Aphrodite, Medusa, Fat Viking Opera Singer Lady or Shiva. Submit your own figure and for a nominal fee and let our sculpting professionals make YOU into you own pub's patron saint!

Letsbuildafort, Jan 14 2008

Similar - less intimidating. http://www.no-dui.com/event1.htm
Breathaylzer example. [Letsbuildafort, Jan 14 2008]

perhaps like this? http://boojog.co.uk...ducts_large/548.jpg
[saxman, Jan 15 2008]

Steve Harris http://upload.wikim...arris_30nov2006.jpg
Imagine giving HIM your keys. [Letsbuildafort, Jan 15 2008]


       Seven of Nine ! Seven of Nine !   

8th of 7, Jan 14 2008

       Phenomenal (+)
MisterQED, Jan 15 2008

       It seems good, apart from the $5 part which spoils it all completely [-]. Nobody will voluntarily spend $5 for a statue to take their keys and possibly not give them back.
vincevincevince, Jan 15 2008

       What to stop you getting one of your sober friends to whisper in her ear ? ?
Brett-Blob, Jan 15 2008

       Voice recognition.
8th of 7, Jan 15 2008

       [8/7] I'm sure you've heard it before but 8/7 doesn't go into 7/9. At least not cleanly.   

       Sorry - I'll leave now.
DenholmRicshaw, Jan 15 2008

       Make the statue in true form to Iron Maiden via a mannequin of Steve Harris, if you fail the Breathalyzer-type BAL receptors you'll be on the blunt end of a bass guitar.
skinflaps, Jan 15 2008

       // 8/7 doesn't go into 7/9 //   

       You think we don't know that ?   

       <very big collective sigh>
8th of 7, Jan 15 2008

       I'm down with the Steve Harris idea.
Letsbuildafort, Jan 15 2008

       //What to stop you getting one of your sober friends to whisper in her ear//   

       The sober friend then drives? I fail to see the problem. [+]
Noexit, Jan 15 2008

       If they were really your friend at any rate. If they spring your keys and let you drive outta there, the burden of liability would fall upon your pal instead of the establishment or host of the party.   

       However, I am no legal expert - TV or otherwise. I may be grossly mistaken.
Letsbuildafort, Jan 15 2008


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